"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Under Appreciated?

I remember when it all first began
We were tight right from the start
It wasn’t long before you came on strong
Trying hard to win my heart (trying to win it)
I played hard to get but I couldn’t help
But give up my heart in the end
You were thoughtful
Careful not to hurt the relationship

Ooh, I feel under appreciated
Now girls help me out
If you know what I’m talking about, I said
Ooh, I’m feeling under appreciated
For all the time and effort
I have put in this commitment

Christina Aguilera

*I chopped up Christina’s beautiful song a bit taking out some stanzas out of sequence.  Her song nailed it, so take a listen*

I expected more from those that love me. Mothers Day arrived and my son took off to school early in the morning with scarcely a good-bye. He may have been annoyed. I was sick with a migraine the day before. We skipped some of the things I thought about doing, but he had made no plans for us. My daughter called but her gift still hasn’t arrived as of Tuesday. The Hunter got a nasty migraine on Sunday, so after a visit to his parents, he was down for the count. Sigh. I secretly wanted more love from everyone.

The Hunter and I are entering new territory as our relationship lengthens. He’s not on his A game in bed these days. We have had some romps that have made me think “Hmmm” to myself. Lately it has been quicker and more dick in vag with less clit play. Interesting (and not in a good way).

I think the Hunter’s Sunday migraine was brought on by a Cialis he took. We had sex, he came quickly and then had a bad headache and not in the head that I was hoping. Headaches are a side affect of Cialis and he took a strong dose.

Then last night the sex was … different. He was more demanding, rougher and then he melted in guilt & shame when he saw that I was a bit taken aback. At one point he was fucking me really hard. He was standing and I was on my back with my legs up.  He was driving deep and after a couple of thrusts, I called Uncle. He continued without acknowledging and went harder. That spooked me a little and he saw something flash across my face. He said I looked scared. Possibly. I was surprised he wasn’t being immediately considerate.

We laid side by side and snuggled. He told me that sex the first part of our relationship was all about me and my satisfaction with his needs coming second. He said I didn’t initiate until recently. This all came as a surprise to me and although I beg to differ, I held my tongue. He felt guilty for spooking me. He was still feeling guilty today. He was in a raw, aggressive mood last night.  I suggested that I peg him, so I fucked him which released some of that tension for him, however, I went unsatisfied.

Between my kids and the Hunter’s self-involvement, I am feeling under-appreciated. Perhaps I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do. The Hunter attentively took care of me Saturday with a coffee, cold cloth for my head, Tylenol.  My daughter called on Mothers Day and yesterday just to chat. My son got me a loving card, awesome jewelry and was texting with me tonight. Those are the positives.

The negatives are my son planned nothing (do young college men ever plan?). He left without a Happy Mothers Day and I don’t think he is keen on the Hunter living with me. My daughter couldn’t get her gift to me on time.  I saw all these friends on Facebook having marvelous Mothers Days and I got jealous because I was doing nothing. This was compounded by my next-door-neighbor having a loud, boisterous party honoring my neighbor who is a grandmother. I use to have those parties.

I had to turn around and nurse the Hunter Sunday afternoon after visiting his parents. His migraine was as bad as mine. He confessed to me that he got stoned on Saturday.  I knew he had smoked during the day, but later he confessed to walking to a nearby park later Saturday night while I was sleeping off my migraine to smoke some more. Last night he was scrapping resin out of his pipe in desperation for a high. He was trying to score some pot to no avail. His usual dealer has quit, so he doesn’t have a new source. This has put him on edge.

I know that quitting smoking, whether cigarettes or pot, is not easy. I know that  oftentimes people stumble before they are successful.  I know that nagging doesn’t help. My Ex smoked, so I have lived with a habitual quitter. It isn’t easy for either the Quitter or the significant other.  Last night the Hunter was poking around about how I felt about him smoking. I finally told him that I felt like he was continuing to probe just to draw me into telling him that he should stop and that he fucked up.  He admitted that perhaps that was true. I replied that I wasn’t going to go there and that quitting is his business.  My job is to support him whenever I can.

Today he came home down and out. He was still feeling guilt from last night even though in my mind it was over. He had apologized so time to move on. I had made plans to hang out with a girlfriend so he was on his own this evening. I came home to find him asleep, un-showered in bed with a slight dinner mess in the kitchen. He’s outside all day. He has to shower in the evening. Now I get to sleep with that. No bueno.

I realize everybody gets into a funk. I had a bit of one yesterday with a Kardashian marathon to throw my brain into a comatose state, so I get it. Tomorrow (today as you read this) I get to sit him down and chat. Talk about his versus my perspective of our sex life thus far, his guilt, his smoking. Sigh.  He continues to voice his deep love for me. I asked him last night at one point if he was unconsciously sabotaging things. That got him thinking. Me too.  Ah the joy of relationships.  Even with all of this, I am in a great mood. I’ll be writing another post about crossing something off my bucket list. I feel energized about kick-starting my business development. There is a lot to be happy about. Yep, I am an eternal optimist.


Comments on: "Under Appreciated?" (9)

  1. The Woman Invisible said:

    Another eternal optimist here with you. Sorry about Mother’s Day, I experienced the same sort of let down. It’s not an easy holiday.
    I think the talk is in order. I wonder if some people grow complacent and need reminding? Is the hunter still helping with stuff around the house? Is he falling into too much of a habit routine? If so, it’s too soon for that. I think you just need to remind him why you got involved in the first place – keep up the heat, Hunter!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, on the Mother’s Day front, I just have to keep reminding myself that a lot of FaceBook posts are just fantasy land and not an everyday reality. That helps keep the jealousy of other people’s lives in check. I will actually be posting something both here and on FB that is guaranteed to even the jealousy score.

      As for the Hunter, we talked at length this morning. He is going through strong withdrawals and like all addicts, now that he’s sober (his words), life is sharp and clear in terms of lost ambition, etc. This will get its own post once we finish today’s discussion.

      Suffice it to say, he has taken his foot off the gas pedal. I think perhaps some can be attributed to his sober battle and some is just getting into a comfort zone. Trust me, I have a lot to say no think about this. I’m not done on this topic.

      In the meantime, the sun is shining and I am having lunch with a dear girlfriend. My life is very, very good!


      • The Woman Invisible said:

        I’m the same way about facebook and have to remind myself it’s not reality! Unfortunately, I still stalk R a little bit and that’s the worst of it for me – so I really try not to do it.
        I’m not very familiar with an addict and I am sure there are very specific peaks and valleys they must got through and this isn’t easy on you – I love how you are able to put it in perspective that he is looking for you to tell him to stop when he frankly needs to tell himself.
        Always love your insight and posts!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Aw shucks! Thanks!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry to hear things have been on a bit of a downslide lately. But I know you’ll address things and get everything shipshape! That’s what you do

    Liked by 1 person

  3. When I started reading your post, I thought of my Mother’s day experience last year, when the kids were at their dad’s and supposed to come to mine for the day, but one decided that there was nothing to be grateful for in this particular mother, so didn’t come. I must say it was difficult, but I decided not to let it dampen my spirits and ruin my day, because the other kids hadn’t done anything to deserve a sad and angry mom. I have good memories of it looking back, so maybe you’ll have that next year too!

    As for the Hunter: I am thinking that much of what you describe is due to the withdrawal.
    I must say that your reaction reminds me a bit of how my ex reacted to my depression.
    I agree with you that you shouldn’t be responsible for his getting clean, nor for his failure to do so. But you do have to be supportive. And this means giving him time.
    So whether you stick with it or not is going to be just as much a picture of where he is at with your relationship as where *you* are at.
    Are you ready to give him some time to sort his shit together and get clean, or will you be too impatient and wanting things to stay the way they were in the first months? Are your own reactions maybe just a sign that you are getting tired of this relationship? Did you try to observe your feelings on this?

    Again, as with everything in a relationship, I think it takes communication and patience.
    Good luck with both 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh I am super patient about him getting clean. What I was trying to say was that I will never nag or criticize him when he stumbles in his efforts to get clean. I am very supportive but I find that being too inquisitive or helpful can backfire. We shall see!!

      Thanks for your thoughtful insights. Happy belated Mothers Day!

      Liked by 1 person

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