"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for May, 2015

I Want You to Want Me

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I’d love you to love me
I’m begging you to beg me
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I’d love you to love me

Cheap Trick

The Hunter and I are working on our relationship. He is battling his insecurity which morphs into jealousy. He was relieved during the reading of my posts that I too battle with times of insecurity as well. The problem with his insecurity is that it transcends into thinking that I could potentially sleep with any man I cross paths with. That is no Bueno.

I have told him that this toxicity will destroy our relationship. I have told him that if he slut shames me and thinks that lowly of me, then we will be finished. I have told him that he needs to keep that crazy in a box and away from us. That’s how I describe it – putting the crazy in a box.

We all have our craziness and as I hear more about the Hunter’s past, I understand how this has developed in him. This doesn’t mean that I think I can fix it. The jury is out on that. I don’t know if I can stick around as he tries to turn himself around. I don’t know if he is willing to fix himself, because at the end of the day we all know that only people who really want to change can do so and all that heavy lifting has to be done by the person changing.

I won’t delve into the Hunter’s past because that is his story to tell, but suffice it to say, his experiences with women, going all the way back to his mom, have highs and lows with more lows than highs. I am not saying that to paint him as a victim. He has contributed to the problems as well. The Hunter has treated women poorly in the past. He has also treated them well and been shat on so it goes both ways.

Right now he is emotionally needy. He wants to connect with me often throughout the day. Yesterday I had an exhausting day. It started with an early breakfast and went through a series of meetings, phone calls and never-ending demands of my time. I scarcely had a moment to go to the bathroom much less regroup. I also had a horrible time with my memory which freaked me the fuck out. My mom and grandmother had significant dementia, so having a bad memory day is absolutely terrifying for me. I see how my memory is fading as I age and it is terrifying. That’s a post for another day.

In any case, I get home and I am exhausted both mentally and physically. I barely get a second to regroup. I go upstairs to change and the Hunter volunteers to give me a wonderful shoulder massage. It was great, but I needed to immediately change clothes and walk the dog. Then dinner is ready, so we sit down to eat. The kitchen needs to be cleaned and since the Hunter cooked, I clean. Finally 2-1/2 hours after I walk in the door, I get to relax on my patio and have a moment of quiet zen. Sigh. Then the Hunter wants to share a beautiful song with me. Lovely, but where is my time? He gets concerned because he can see that I am humoring him. I tell him that I just need to unwind and veg for a bit. He gives me some much needed space for about an hour. He’s horny and wants sex, but he can clearly see that my head is not into it. He ends up tucking me into bed early and that was the best thing he could have done for me.

But that left him horny and I wake up this morning with the Hunter telling me that he jacked off twice last night. Sorry, dude, but welcome to a relationship. Sometimes I cannot satisfy every need. It’s great that he craves me and wants me. I crave and want him as well, but sometimes I need space. I have more to write about this new “us”, but for now this will do.

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Second Curve Ball

I left you, Dear Readers, with the cliff hanger of another curve ball in my relationship with the Hunter. My apologies in this lack of writing, but the short work week and other things have left me with no time to think deeply much less write. I am writing this as I wait for a callback from a cantankerous midlevel manager of a demanding client. I am reminding myself “think of the outcome that I want” but that makes me think evil thoughts, so I simply am telling myself to play nice and make friends.

In any case, what was the second curve ball? I started reading this blog to the Hunter. He doesn’t have access to it, but he asked if I would read posts that mentioned him. I started at the beginning with our New Year’s Eve and over the course of a day long road trip we worked through the blog thru April. I ended it there with the rule that a minimum of 30 days between a post and the reading. It was a wonderful bonding time for us. He said that I had nailed it and he agreed with my description of the events. He was touched with my stream of feelings and thoughts on our relationship. There were times he had tears and times where I had to stop because I was choked with emotion. It has been incredible.

Then we have had the days after this revelation and the Hunter coming to terms with this extreme deluge of emotion from me. As they said in the Spiderman, “With great powers comes great responsibility”. First of all, I don’t read him any reader comments. I do this because the purpose of sharing these posts is to talk about my thoughts and feelings. I also don’t want the discussions between the Hunter and I to digress into other’s opinions of our relationship. It’s not that I don’t value your comments, believe me, they are very important to me, but he and I need to stay focused on us. Make sense?

The other aftermath of this revelation is the Hunter processing this information. It has been incredible for his ego. He occasionally asks if I am going to write about something or if I have written this week. Friends are concerned that knowing he will be reading the posts, I will somehow filter my words. I am hoping this won’t happen. I need this blog as an outlet to process my feelings, thoughts, etc. If I start filtering my words, then the thoughts and feelings will log jam inside me. Not a good thing.

What I have learned about myself is that I do have a problem expressing myself to my loved ones. I am wary of confrontation, I want to please people and have them love me. I haven’t come to terms that people can disagree with me and still love me along with the big one that my feelings need to come first and foremost. Wow, that’s a big one. I do better writing about my thoughts and feelings than expressing them. For an articulate, verbose professional woman, I become tongue-tied and silent when loved ones probe into my feelings and thoughts on tough issues.

The Hunter is still fighting jealousy and insecurity issues. Unfortunately my therapist is apparently in the midst of changing offices, so I have sent her an email but haven’t found a phone number to call. Shit. I really need to talk to her. I’ll write more about his issues because I am out of town for the better part of next week at a conference and he is already nervous about it, but for now, just know that I learned another valuable lesson: my secrecy will only hurt relationships, not help, so I need to use my words whether written or spoken to advocate for myself.

By the way, in the element of time, I am giving up on the song intros. I’ll probably get back to them, but for now, you get me, unfiltered.

Curve Ball

The Hunter just threw an impressive curve ball on Saturday afternoon.  The cynical side of me is carefully analyzing the situation because that part of me thinks he may be playing me.  First, the curve ball.

He called me mid-afternoon and politely inquired if I was home. I was running an errand and told him I would be returning shortly. We meet at home and he tells me this could either be a long or short discussion. Okay…..he launches into a spiel about something I had texted him on Thursday when shit was breaking loose. I had sent him an excerpt from a book I had just finished. The book was a business one about productivity (I wrote about it here).  Here’s the quote:

When an unsettling event occurs, pause before reacting.  In that pause, ask yourself a single question: what is the outcome I want? Instead of reacting to the event, react to the outcome. Here’s the hard part: you react to the event because it’s asking you to react to it. But just because the event catalyzed your action doesn’t mean it should determine it. How you react can and should be determined by the outcome – by the future you want to create.

Wait a minute, he read and processed that?  He continued that he thought about that and it made a lot of sense to him. He decided that he wanted us to stay together, however, he wants us to go to couples counseling.  Yes, he is volunteering to go to counseling with me. I was stunned by this request. Now, granted he wants to go to fix me, but to be able to get him into therapy would do him a world of good.  He is willing to see my therapist which would be great because she can handle him.  I have a lot more to think and write about this. It opens a Pandora’s box of things I have not discussed on this blog about me and the Hunter, mostly about his past. He has some demons to lay to rest. If this is my chance to see if he can do some work to continue his growth, I am thinking of considering it. First, I need to put together a list of conditions with consequences for not following through with the counseling.

I asked him if he would participate and he agreed. I asked him what if the counselor showed him things he neede to change.  Although he thinks this is about me, he said that he would be open to learning how to improve himself.

He also looked me in the eye and gave me a sincere and humble apology for both the “shitty moral value” statement and the user comment. I told him that those two did it for me.

Interesting. Very interesting. I called my girlfriend. She was as stunned as I am. WTF. This man is full of surprises. But, Dear Readers, he keeps throwing curve balls and I may end up hitting it out of the park.

It Has Gone From Bad to Worse

Oh boy, Maggie has destroyed the remnants of this relationship with an atomic bomb. He asked if I had anymore secrets so I told him I not only have a blog but a community similiar to Facebook who I chat with. I told him that I chat with some of you off the blog sites. I offered to print out sections so he could read it. He’s not interested. He is so furious that he will be moving out this weekend. Apparently I am full of secrets and not the open person I claim to be. 

I will need to spend some time alone after I extricate myself from this relationship and think about what I really want in life. I will need to think about what I did.  He said that I used him.  I sadly have to face the fact that, yes, I did. I am embarrassed by the hurt I have caused another person.  My powers of destruction are evidently strong. 

Sometime in the night, the Hunter had climbed into my bed.  He wanted to snuggle. I let him sleep there.  In the morning he told me he was so horny last night, and he could have gotten laid within 2 hours of a couple of calls. He said that he wanted to fuck but it wouldn’t change anything. I had pretty much decided that I wasn’t going to fuck him if we were breaking up. I deserved more respect. He put my hand on his dick and balls.  Then he overplayed his hand and said something about my shitty moral values. I got out of bed, washed my face and walked the dog.

Perhaps I do have shitty moral values. I need to look at my propensity to keep secrets from loved ones. He is furious because I claimed to be so open yet I have all these secrets. I told him that the blog is my diary and where I work through all the things I want to process. If people find it, so be it, but nobody knows who I am, where I live, etc.  I told him that we regularly debate telling lovers about our writings. 

At the end of the day, I do have to admit that, yes, I used him. I used him as a test for a LTR, for living together, for sex and a host of other things. But then again he used me too – for a great place to live, for sex, for helping him better himself and become the man he should be. He was always loving and giving. I thought I was also, but apparently a few secrets are a deal killer with him. Sigh. Everyone is flawed, I get that. I was accepting of his, but he couldn’t accept mine. 

It’s gonna be a long weekend because now I am stuck here. If he’s moving out, I need to stick around. It’s 8 am, is that too early for a drink?

Is This a Sign?

  

I Won’t Give Up on Us

Well, I won’t give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I’m giving you all my love

I’m still looking up

And when you’re needing your space

To do some navigating

I’ll be here patiently waiting

To see what you find

‘Cause even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We’ve got a lot to learn

God knows we’re worth it

No, I won’t give up

Jason Mraz

It is a rough time. My tears have finally started flowing. I cannot make any headway with the Hunter. He is firmly entrenched in ending our relationship. This morning as he got ready for work, he climbed into bed and wrapped me in his arms. He had slept on the couch again, so I eagerly thought this was a good sign. I rolled over and sleepily said, “Baby, I love you.”  He leaped out of bed and said he was late for work.  

A couple of hours I texted him: 

Was I dreaming? Your hug early this morning gave me a ray of hope. I love you – I hope we can work thru this. 

He replied: 

No. I’m sorry should not have done that. I woke up feeling bad, I had a real bad headache and just had a moment of weakness. It won’t happen again. I’m sorry  did not mean to mislead you.

Shit – really?  I asked him this evening what that was all about. He said he liked how I had nursed him during his last headache and he wanted to be comforted, but he realized it was a bad idea. Sigh. 

One of my girlfriends suggested introducing some drama since thus far I have been calm, pleasant and kind. Interestingly enough it did draw him in to talking. 

I pulled out all my stops when I got home and was endlessly trying to reason, apologize, blame. When one tactic didn’t work, I backed up, adjusted and tried another. Tears, slamming my bedroom door, pleading, apologizing, bringing up things he had done. Nope, he’s firmly decided. I surrendered for now because he told me I was starting to sound like the Other Woman and blaming him. I immediately apologized and told him my stomach was upset, so I was cranky. Now I am sitting in bed listening to music and determining my next step.  I think it’s time to circle back to pleasant. 

My drama did draw him to my closed bedroom door twice. He sat on my bed while I was in my reading chair. I told him the real story behind my affair early in my marriage. I told him why I had gotten fat. I told him that I got mad during our initial conversation on the patio because he was laughing, so I felt he was mocking me.  He apologized for that. He told me that he has cried too and that this has been the best relationship of his life. I have called him stubborn repeatedly and told him I am also stubborn. 

After his second tap on the door and the Other Woman comparison, he has left. I don’t know where. I had sent him the above song via text. My numbness has worn off.  I am hurting and the raw feelings are started. He said tomorrow he is going to find a place to live. The clock is ticking. 

One question, Dear Readers, do I fuck him? I am debating the pros and cons. That may be the next post. In the meantime, I am spending the evening with Reese Witherspoon and Cheryl Strayed watching Wild.  Raw fim suits my raw mood. 

Careless Whisper

I’m never going to dance again
These guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it’s easy to pretend
I know you’re not a fool
I should have known better than to cheat a friend
A wasted chance that I’ve been given
So I’m never going to dance again
The way I danced with you

Oh Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind
Ignorance is kind
There’s no comfort in the truth
Pain is all you’ll find

Wham (featuring George Michael)

What have I done? Is he over-reacting? I think he is, but perhaps it is not for me to say. Our relationship is over according to the Hunter. I am stunned and disbelieving. A wise friend is counseling patience and calm. I am sitting at a restaurant drinking a glass of wine & pondering my situation. WTF happened, you ask? Good question – I am still putting the puzzle pieces together.

Last night I was out later than usual. I was at a city council meeting hoping they would approve my contract and they did. I strolled in the door happy as a jay bird. We had won that business and I scored another win earlier that day, so I was riding high. The Hunter was not.

He is sitting outside in a full blown snit. “You know what you did”. My mind was racing. I thought he had discovered this blog. Shit, I think I would have a hard time coming to terms with someone writing about me albeit anonymously.

Let me digress for a moment. The Hunter recently discovered the joys of an iPad and he had been logging onto his FB thru my app. I was a bit trepidatious since I have the WordPress app and Google Hangout on there, but I figured he wouldn’t snoop and his computer skills are minimal. Who knew FB would be my demise?

He went into my profile and found DB in my Messenger. Shit. DB is an old high school friend that I haven’t seen since high school. He and I have sexted in the past, but this came to a full stop once I got involved with the Hunter. This didn’t stop DB from sending me harmless flirty messages about watching me have sex with the Hunter, him daydreaming about me sucking his cock, etc. The Hunter said he read it all, but if he really had, he would have realized I was being s good girl. OK, good in our world. DB was sexting or flirting heavy and I was deflecting but not putting a full halt to it. The Hunter accused me of cheating. Holy shit – over some texts? Are you kidding me? It was nothing to me but harmless flirting that stroked my ego. Even DB admits that he is harmless and not going to pursue this because he has a girlfriend in real life.

The Hunter is hurting oh so bad. I think he is over-reacting but then again I am not on the receiving end of this drama. His texts today were angry and betrayed. I tried apologizing but stepped back because I really don’t think I was being horrible. What devastates me the most is that I have hurt, perhaps irrevocably, a good man who has been open, honest and caring. What a shit I am. It’s hard to realize how callous I have been.

Now it is Day Two. Last night I ran some errands so he could come home, shower and relax without having me there. When I got home he was out on the patio smoking. He had nothing to say to me. I went inside to watch a little TV but after 45 minutes, I gave up and went back outside. He told me it was over. Really over. I tried to gently argue my case but he would have nothing of it. For the second night in a row, he slept on the couch. Our weekend plans are cancelled. I cannot reach him. I am lost.

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