"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Crazy Train

Crazy, but that’s how it goes
Millions of people living as foes
Maybe. it’s not too late
To learn how to love, and forget how to hate

Mental wounds not healing
Life’s a bitter shame
I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train
I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train

Ozzy Osbourne

I am an emotional waterworks sometimes. Last night I was sad. Simply sad. The Hunter came home a bit later than usual and plopped down so we could chat. I have to give the guy props because before he took his shower or did anything else, he sat down and dealt with me.

I was a trifle anxious about this conversation. He had been incommunicado all day since my phone call to him before lunch and two texts. Normally our day is filled with back and forth – quick check-ins by phone or text. I enjoy his communication so to have none was disconcerting. His last text said, “I will do what I think is right for me.” Downright ominous, right?

My mind was racing and I was over-thinking everything before he got home. We talked about the week. I apologized again. Then he confessed his over-thinking. He thought perhaps I was chatting/flirting with someone else. He put it gently in a context of an escalating conversation, but he thought that was what I was alluding to when I sent him a text apologizing for being a shitty girlfriend.

My, my — that caught me completely off guard. He may have seen a Google Hang-Out message that morning from a friend that was completely innocent, but I don’t know. I know it was up on my locked phone screen when I woke up, so the possibility is there. Yes, I have now fixed that. In these situations, I don’t like to ask questions when I don’t know the answer. Plus this friend is just that – a friend. Unbeknownst to the Hunter I have several guy friends who are checking on me. Some are local. The others are simply friends – I never dated them and we have remained in touch off and on throughout the years. I digress.

We talk and clear the air. He’s fine, but I am not 100% OK. Something is bugging me. I am thinking about a conversation we had on Thursday night. The Hunter had posted a photo of bacon-wrapped baked potatoes on FB. He asked me if I had seen it. He then told me that he had friended a girl who was friends with the Teacher. He had chatted with her. She was reluctant to engage with him, so he explained he just wanted to be friends and he wasn’t hitting on her. He told her he was interested in her cooking posts. She has a culinary-type job so she posts a lot of recipes.

I immediately am wondering if he is flirting. He likes a stealth approach. Look at me for crying out loud. We were hiking buddies and FB friends for months. I have to tamp down my crazy side because I don’t want him to feel like he can’t tell me things like this. I cannot allow jealousy to creep into this relationship — it will destroy it. I now realize I have my guard up and I am worried about him cheating. I have denied him a threesome and he’s got an extensive history of cheating. I do know that his cheating began as a result of dysfunction in his relationships, but then it morphed into simply having as much sex as possible. He has reassured me numerous times that I am more than enough for him. I need to believe him.

It didn’t help my fragile psyche when he said he was going to run by the sporting goods store after dinner. I asked if he wanted company and he said No. I was hurt. We made dinner and off he went. Maggie cleaned up the kitchen and got ready for bed. On a Friday night? I crawled into bed after 10 minutes of TV and cried. Actually bawled for a few minutes. WTF.

I was hurt. As tears are sliding down my face, I analyze why the waterworks. It’s because I am hurting. The slap on the ass and his lack of intimacy that morning, his lack of communication during the day which created a feeling of distance, his apparent lack of trust with me, this new FB friend and then he’s alone at the store on what could have been a fun outing for both of us plus he’s hunting all weekend. It all added up to me feeling hurt and rejected. Plus my crazy side is entering the mix with whispers of suspicion and jealousy.

The Hunter comes home, poor guy, to a weepy woman in bed. He is immediately loving and concerned. Then he pulls me out of bed and says that I must come downstairs. He got me a present. He actually got me two. The first was a camo baseball cap. Silly, but fun. The second present is a fishing pole so we can go fishing together.

Then he pulls me into his arms and asks me what is wrong. Really wrong. So it all spills out of me. How I felt a bit used when we romped that morning and he slapped my ass before trotting off to get ready for work. “But baby, I was running late for work. I came back and kissed you several times.” I told him I understand, but I need a quick snuggle particularly since this week has been tough for me. I tell him how his sudden lack of communication hurt dreadfully. I need reassurance.

Then I tell him I feel slighted about not being invited to run to the store. I followed with I thought he was mad at me. This week he had twice mentioned taking me hunting and now that was off the table. I was hurt. I went on to say that I want him to hunt and have his Me time. It’s important for both of us, but I just felt hurt and it was stinging because I felt it was repercussions for being bitchy earlier in the week.

He wraps me in his arms and pulls me close. That was never his intention. In his mind, we had cleared the air and he had no issues with me. His lack of communication was intentional to keep me on my toes but he never meant it to hurt me so much. He profusely apologized. He said he knew I was busy with work and couldn’t go hunting so he didn’t mention it so I wouldn’t feel pressured. The store run was just him wanting alone time. It was all a misunderstanding.

He went on to say that our previous chat when he first got home made him feel good. We can clear the air and talk without anger entering the conversation. Earlier that evening we dissected the Wednesday night reality bust. He asked why I wasn’t working in my office so I wouldn’t be bothered. I told him I wanted to watch my only TV show. OK. Then he explained that he felt I wasn’t truly listening to him. I had put my show on pause and looked up from my laptop, so why would he think that? He explained that he offered to wait until I was done, but I insisted that he tell me then, however, he felt like he only got about 50% of my attention. I learned a valuable lesson with him – if he is volunteering or offering something it is because he truly means it, SO LET HIM DO IT. I was trying to please him by giving him immediate attention but I wasn’t doing it well. He would rather wait and have 100% of my attention. Shit, is this what mature adults do?

He finished packing up his gear. These hunting excursions are day trips. He leaves at 4:00 am and should return mid-afternoon. Then he repeats it on Sunday with Teacher. Earlier this week he promised to take me to a fun, waterfront restaurant that is a bit of a drive. Since he will be tired, I volunteered to drive. Let’s see if he follows through. I have been home a bit too much and need to stretch my legs but more importantly I need to clear my head. I have to keep my crazy tapped down. He’s a good man with a checkered past who has only been honest, caring and good to me. I better not fuck this up. Plus make-up sex last night was great – I am a lucky girl.

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Comments on: "Crazy Train" (12)

  1. I need to take notes maggie! I seriously have alot of thinking to do in terms of communication and reassurance because I feel the same way.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. While admittedly I got sidetracked at the thought of bacon wrapped baked potatoes, I got back on track.

    I’m pleased so much that you guys are able to talk through things and work through it. And have good makeup sex. All of those things, the communication, the honesty – I think they are good signs. I’m glad you were able to tell him everything and that he was responsive.
    xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The Woman Invisible said:

    I just read the last 5 posts and caught up….isn’t it crazy how our own insecurities play on us? Our worst fears sabotage us? I think it’s amazing you took the time to think through what was happening and then had an opportunity to talk through it – I don’t think I have any idea how to do that. I’m glad that the air was cleared and there was great make-up sex. I’m listening and learning from you darling! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, if he hadn’t gone to the store I wouldn’t have had the alone time to sort out my feelings. Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I definitely have a learning curve here.

      Liked by 1 person

      • The Woman Invisible said:

        I think you are doing amazing….and it was so cute he brought you home presents. I think he is learning too. I also think that your radar is on high alert and it’s not something to just brush to side…still keep a close eye, the cheating is a tough one to swallow.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I was very touched with the presents. We have several fishing spots in a short bike ride from my home, so he has been itching to go. I was charmed that he wants me to join him (I really enjoy the zen quiet of fishing).

        Having my radar turned on is a delicate balance. If it is on too high of an alert, my paranoia kicks in. I think rather than look for outside factors, I need to focus on our relationship. If he’s happy, he probably won’t stray and even if he does it would only be for the sexual pursuit and conquest. It remains to be seen if I could live with that.

        BTW, thanks for going back and reading the previous posts – I was flattered! Kisses!

        Liked by 1 person

      • The Woman Invisible said:

        Flattered – don’t be silly – you know how much I learn from you?!!!

        Like

  4. sigh…I really hoped this turn all right for you…

    Liked by 1 person

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