"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for April, 2015

I Do (Cherish You)

All I am, all I’ll be, everything in this world
All that I’ll ever need is in your eyes, shining at me
When you smile I can feel all my passion unfolding
Your hand brushes mine, and a thousand sensations seduce me ’cause 

I do, cherish you for the rest of my life, you don’t have to think twice
I will, love you still, from the depths of my soul
It’s beyond my control, I’ve waited so long to say this to you
If you’re asking do I love you this much, I do

In my world before you, I lived outside my emotions
Didn’t know where I was going, ’til that day I found you
How you opened my life to a new paradise
In a world torn by change, still with all of my heart, ’til my dying day

I do, cherish you for the rest of my life, you don’t have to think twice
I will love you still, from the depths of my soul
It’s beyond my control, I’ve waited so long to say this to you
If you’re asking do I love you this much, yes I do

If you’re asking do I love you this much, I do
Oh, I do

Mark Wills

My daughter got engaged this weekend in a romantic setting and her now fiancé surprised her by having me and my Ex join them and his family for a celebratory dinner.  It was an expensive, unexpected trip, but the joy on her face when she saw us was priceless. Details on the weekend will follow, but suffice it to say that seeing their love melted my heart and gave me hope for all of us.

I am all warm, mushy and horny.  The Hunter got out of work early so we can spend some quality time together. We have been apart three nights. Details to follow on that as well.  I will be making up for lost time!

Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot

Ole ole, ole ole
Ole ole, ole ole

Feeling hot hot hot
Feeling hot hot hot
Feeling hot hot hot
Feeling hot hot hot

The Merrymen

I have learned another lesson as I continue on my journey of sexual reawakening. It is an incredibly important one about oral sex.

Last night the Hunter and I were getting frisky. I was giving him a blow job and he was telling me how he wanted me to mouth the sides of his penis. Apparently I nailed the technique because he swung me around so he could go down on me. The Hunter began eating me when suddenly a not-so-pleasant burning sensation rapidly began over-taking the delicious feel of his mouth. Holy shit – the jalapeño pepper from dinner!! Yep, he thinks perhaps it came from his goatee. I don’t really give a fuck where it came from only that it was now on my poor, sweet pussy.

I begin laughing and clambering away from him. He asked what’s up and I am gasping about the jalapeño. He starts laughing too and tells me that his dick is pepper-free. He starts fucking me and I am hysterically laughing. The burning subsided a bit but I was wrestling to get away, so he had me pinned down and all this made for a very fun romp.

My poor pussy was tingling in a burning sort of way for the rest of the evening. I took a shower and applied coconut oil on it. Neither did much good, but at least I tried. This morning I am fine, just a neurotic sense of a tingly burning in a vague way…

Now I just got off the phone with the Hunter and was updating him on my pussy. He came up with a twist that he wants to try tonight. He wants me to peg him a little to get him really aroused, then I will touch the jalapeño with my finger and rim him — not penetrate him, just rim him. Then I’ll eat him. He said he was getting hard just thinking about it. I am game so long as that damn pepper is nowhere near my pussy. His mind is constantly coming up with new ideas…..

Bind Us Together With Love

Bind us together, Lord, bind us together
With cords that cannot be broken
Bind us together, Lord, bind us together
Bind us together with love

Bob Gillman

What is true love? Yesterday I listened to an example of true, romantic, long-term love during a sales podcast by Zig Ziglar. If you are in sales, you have heard of the Master Salesman, Zig Ziglar. I listen to his podcasts in the car frequently and I love them. Zig grew up in Mississippi and has the drawl, rhythm and story-telling prowess of a Southern Baptist preacher. Since I grew up in the South, I consider this my spiritual moment because Zig was a very devout man. I digress, let’s talk about Zig and his wife, Jean.

I’ll put the link to the podcast that the end of this post, but Zig starts out with some gentle pokes at his wife. He calls her the Red Head during these podcasts, but at home she is Sugar Baby. That right there tells you something. He said she is in the MasterCard Hall of Fame and bought herself a car that gets 19 malls to the gallon. I love corny humor like that.

Then he gets serious. They have had “54 honeymoons” and 27 years of it were difficult due to money issues. He had some tough times when the power was turned off, the car was given back to the dealer – real serious problems. But not once did Red Head do anything other than encourage and believe in him. She would say, “Tomorrow will be a better day.” He clearly gives her full credit for being a major part of his success.

What are the keys to their success? He had a couple of great tips.

  1. They never called each other dumb, stupid or say “that was an idiotic thing to do”. They always respected one another.
  2. They always have quiet time together just the two of them.  A cup of coffee in the morning with nothing special to talk about — just spending time with one another.
  3. He recognizes that men and women are different. He said that women resent it when you ignore them all day and then give them “that” hug when the lights go out at night. Here is a conservative Christian man telling people that you need to court women in the front yard, the front porch, the living room, etc. You need to hold their hand and put your arm around them. You need to tell women that they are beautiful and do things for them. He gave the example of always opening the car door for her. He said she is perfectly capable of opening the car door and does it quite well, but he opens the door to remind him how special she is to him. AWWW.
  4.  Zig said that the greatest thing a woman can do for man who is down in the dumps is to come onto him strong. Make him feel irresistible and it will set him on fire. Zig was doing a lot of hinting about great sex and how to get it. I found it absolutely utterly charming.

At the end of the day, it is about respect, kindness and consideration by both. If you want a 10 minute respite from the world, listen to my man, Zig.  Oh, and no video link.  I thought I would be asking for trouble to link to a Christian hymn….he, he.

Money Changes Everything

Money changes everything
Money, money changes everything
We think we know what we’re doin’
That don’t mean a thing
It’s all in the past now
Money changes everything

Cyndi Lauper

Money. We all know that money can do great or it can destroy. I have never been really poor, but I have felt the bite of an empty wallet and bank account many times. My profession earns me a very comfortable living, but I have to stay sharp since it is all commission. It can be feast or famine.

Yesterday I worked on finishing my taxes. As I was going through some financial records, I realize how lucky I really am. There are my dinners, hair salon appointments, waxing, massages, trips, clothes. I have a really nice life, but I am ready to cut back. I need to overhaul and rein back my spending, so I can plan an exit strategy from this rat race.

Money has always been a bit of an issue for me. I had no role models or advice on how to handle it. Neither one of my parents was knowledgable about managing it. When I went through my Mom’s papers after her death, I found years of angry correspondence between her, my dad and my stepmom. It was all about money. My Ex was no better. His father was a “boom and bust” entrepreneur. They had very wealthy times and not so good times, so he had no idea how to properly manage money.

During our marriage, paying bills would put him into a funk, so I took over that job which resulted in me handling 90% of the financial matters in our household. I participated in the 401(k) plans that were offered, however, I should have added more. But I am a spender and if I am sad, I have a tendency to cure it with a bit of retail therapy. Since I was unhappy in our marriage, retail therapy was a constant solution.

When I moved out, I took very little with me. My Ex was the primary interior decorator so I wanted a clean start. With my new place, I have been careful about what I purchase, but over-spending still creeps in. I have had my best earning years lately and I have no savings to show for it. It has gone to furnishing this place, trips, sending my son off to college, clothes as I shed weight and who knows what else. I have found myself hiding or avoiding the money conundrum. When you have two strong wage earners, you can get away with that to a certain degree. Now that I am flying solo, I have to face this head on. This brings me to my discovery today.

The Hunter is deep in the woods as I write. Sitting on the kitchen counter is his pay envelope with his pay stub. Curiosity got the better of me, so I looked. He has told me what he makes, but he wasn’t accurate. He makes less than he said. I make about seven times his salary. Yes, seven times.

We have worked out our finances here. He buys the groceries and other household incidentals. I pay for the rent, utilities, cable, etc. I would be paying that anyway. However, he is a red-blooded, Alpha male, so when we go out, he wants to pay. This creates a bit of a problem. That means that my usual Saturday night trendy dinner is no longer viable since it will consume almost half of his weekly pay. Vacations or quick weekend trips are tricky because 1) he gets very limited paid time off and 2) the cost involved – he wants to pay. This explains, in my mind, why we spend a lot of time at home. He doesn’t have the cash.

I can write an entire post about the Hunter’s perspective and history with money, but today is about me. Suffice it to say, that 1) he has been dead broke and briefly homeless. 2) he freely admits to being a bad money manager 3) I am learning frugal tips from him constantly.

I am making plans to rein in my overhead even more over the next couple of months. As I wrote here, I am letting my housekeeper go. Next will be cable TV. I have some business expenses that my firm has agreed to begin paying directly. My goal is understand and lower my monthly expenses, so I can begin saving again. I need to control my money rather than have it controlling me. At the end of the day, I only want to work in this rat race for another decade, so I need to make it count.

In the meantime, it will be interesting to see if money becomes an issue in my relationship with the Hunter. Time will tell. I think the vacation situation will be most problematic. I do love a long vacation at the beach…..

Crazy Train

Crazy, but that’s how it goes
Millions of people living as foes
Maybe. it’s not too late
To learn how to love, and forget how to hate

Mental wounds not healing
Life’s a bitter shame
I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train
I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train

Ozzy Osbourne

I am an emotional waterworks sometimes. Last night I was sad. Simply sad. The Hunter came home a bit later than usual and plopped down so we could chat. I have to give the guy props because before he took his shower or did anything else, he sat down and dealt with me.

I was a trifle anxious about this conversation. He had been incommunicado all day since my phone call to him before lunch and two texts. Normally our day is filled with back and forth – quick check-ins by phone or text. I enjoy his communication so to have none was disconcerting. His last text said, “I will do what I think is right for me.” Downright ominous, right?

My mind was racing and I was over-thinking everything before he got home. We talked about the week. I apologized again. Then he confessed his over-thinking. He thought perhaps I was chatting/flirting with someone else. He put it gently in a context of an escalating conversation, but he thought that was what I was alluding to when I sent him a text apologizing for being a shitty girlfriend.

My, my — that caught me completely off guard. He may have seen a Google Hang-Out message that morning from a friend that was completely innocent, but I don’t know. I know it was up on my locked phone screen when I woke up, so the possibility is there. Yes, I have now fixed that. In these situations, I don’t like to ask questions when I don’t know the answer. Plus this friend is just that – a friend. Unbeknownst to the Hunter I have several guy friends who are checking on me. Some are local. The others are simply friends – I never dated them and we have remained in touch off and on throughout the years. I digress.

We talk and clear the air. He’s fine, but I am not 100% OK. Something is bugging me. I am thinking about a conversation we had on Thursday night. The Hunter had posted a photo of bacon-wrapped baked potatoes on FB. He asked me if I had seen it. He then told me that he had friended a girl who was friends with the Teacher. He had chatted with her. She was reluctant to engage with him, so he explained he just wanted to be friends and he wasn’t hitting on her. He told her he was interested in her cooking posts. She has a culinary-type job so she posts a lot of recipes.

I immediately am wondering if he is flirting. He likes a stealth approach. Look at me for crying out loud. We were hiking buddies and FB friends for months. I have to tamp down my crazy side because I don’t want him to feel like he can’t tell me things like this. I cannot allow jealousy to creep into this relationship — it will destroy it. I now realize I have my guard up and I am worried about him cheating. I have denied him a threesome and he’s got an extensive history of cheating. I do know that his cheating began as a result of dysfunction in his relationships, but then it morphed into simply having as much sex as possible. He has reassured me numerous times that I am more than enough for him. I need to believe him.

It didn’t help my fragile psyche when he said he was going to run by the sporting goods store after dinner. I asked if he wanted company and he said No. I was hurt. We made dinner and off he went. Maggie cleaned up the kitchen and got ready for bed. On a Friday night? I crawled into bed after 10 minutes of TV and cried. Actually bawled for a few minutes. WTF.

I was hurt. As tears are sliding down my face, I analyze why the waterworks. It’s because I am hurting. The slap on the ass and his lack of intimacy that morning, his lack of communication during the day which created a feeling of distance, his apparent lack of trust with me, this new FB friend and then he’s alone at the store on what could have been a fun outing for both of us plus he’s hunting all weekend. It all added up to me feeling hurt and rejected. Plus my crazy side is entering the mix with whispers of suspicion and jealousy.

The Hunter comes home, poor guy, to a weepy woman in bed. He is immediately loving and concerned. Then he pulls me out of bed and says that I must come downstairs. He got me a present. He actually got me two. The first was a camo baseball cap. Silly, but fun. The second present is a fishing pole so we can go fishing together.

Then he pulls me into his arms and asks me what is wrong. Really wrong. So it all spills out of me. How I felt a bit used when we romped that morning and he slapped my ass before trotting off to get ready for work. “But baby, I was running late for work. I came back and kissed you several times.” I told him I understand, but I need a quick snuggle particularly since this week has been tough for me. I tell him how his sudden lack of communication hurt dreadfully. I need reassurance.

Then I tell him I feel slighted about not being invited to run to the store. I followed with I thought he was mad at me. This week he had twice mentioned taking me hunting and now that was off the table. I was hurt. I went on to say that I want him to hunt and have his Me time. It’s important for both of us, but I just felt hurt and it was stinging because I felt it was repercussions for being bitchy earlier in the week.

He wraps me in his arms and pulls me close. That was never his intention. In his mind, we had cleared the air and he had no issues with me. His lack of communication was intentional to keep me on my toes but he never meant it to hurt me so much. He profusely apologized. He said he knew I was busy with work and couldn’t go hunting so he didn’t mention it so I wouldn’t feel pressured. The store run was just him wanting alone time. It was all a misunderstanding.

He went on to say that our previous chat when he first got home made him feel good. We can clear the air and talk without anger entering the conversation. Earlier that evening we dissected the Wednesday night reality bust. He asked why I wasn’t working in my office so I wouldn’t be bothered. I told him I wanted to watch my only TV show. OK. Then he explained that he felt I wasn’t truly listening to him. I had put my show on pause and looked up from my laptop, so why would he think that? He explained that he offered to wait until I was done, but I insisted that he tell me then, however, he felt like he only got about 50% of my attention. I learned a valuable lesson with him – if he is volunteering or offering something it is because he truly means it, SO LET HIM DO IT. I was trying to please him by giving him immediate attention but I wasn’t doing it well. He would rather wait and have 100% of my attention. Shit, is this what mature adults do?

He finished packing up his gear. These hunting excursions are day trips. He leaves at 4:00 am and should return mid-afternoon. Then he repeats it on Sunday with Teacher. Earlier this week he promised to take me to a fun, waterfront restaurant that is a bit of a drive. Since he will be tired, I volunteered to drive. Let’s see if he follows through. I have been home a bit too much and need to stretch my legs but more importantly I need to clear my head. I have to keep my crazy tapped down. He’s a good man with a checkered past who has only been honest, caring and good to me. I better not fuck this up. Plus make-up sex last night was great – I am a lucky girl.

The Bitch is Back

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
`Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

Elton John

I can be cruel. I can be snippy. I can be difficult to live with. These are the lessons I learned about myself this week. I am not sunshine and roses 24/7/365. The question becomes can those who love me deal with the moods of Maggie? That’s a good question and it remains to be seen if the Hunter can surf my emotions.

This week was an intense one work-wise. I have hard deadlines, tricky negotiations, meetings all over town and a To Do list that has only grown exponentially. The Hunter has now seen me at a stress level I would consider about a 7 in a scale of 1-10. Wednesday night was a particularly ugly one. I burnt dinner to a crisp – don’t even ask – I can’t remember ever doing that. I was working and watching my only reality addiction, Survivor, when he walked in the door around 8:15. He had been out in the forest scouting for an upcoming hunting trip this weekend, so he was in a great mood.  I was fine with all that, but when he walked in the door, I was not warm, sweet, loving Maggie. I was work-oriented, focused, don’t-interrupt-me Maggie who apparently is not fun to deal with. He asked me to order a pizza since I burnt dinner, I obliged but a bit grudgingly. He didn’t like me on Wednesday night.

Thursday was a bit better, but the Hunter was moody. He woke up late, was still not happy with the night before.  We patched things up during the course of the day because I recognized that I was difficult. Then I had an issue with my housekeeper of 16+ years. I had asked her to show up earlier than 3:00 because that means she is at my house as late as 7:00 and that’s generally disruptive for dinner, the Hunter coming home to shower, etc. She didn’t show up earlier. I asked her to start coming only once a month, so she increased her price by 20% and wouldn’t give me a specific day. Then she left and I saw all the things she didn’t get done in her four hours that should have been done. The Hunter and I talked about it. He was actually great on this topic. I decided, without his input, that I don’t want a housekeeper. My place isn’t that big, we aren’t that messy and I would rather save the money. I have been thinking about this for about a year.  His immediate reaction was to ask what chores I want him to take on. I loved that – he’s ready to be a true partner.

We had great sex on Thursday night. It was fun, relaxing and satisfying. Then on Friday morning, even though he’s not too much into morning sex, we romped a bit. I think he’s doing this because I had been pulling out the vibe a couple of mornings this week, so he mentioned that perhaps he’s not satisfying me enough. Another sign of insecurity perhaps? In any case, he fucks me for about 10-15 minutes, slaps me on the ass and heads to the bathroom to get ready for work. No cuddle, no kiss – WTF. I felt a bit used. So when he called me for the second time before 7:00 I was a trifle snippy. I was sleeping, with a bit of a headache. Now his feelings are hurt. Sigh. I called to apologize and he doesn’t want to talk about it while at work. Sigh again.

This also goes back to a brief conversation we had last night. He hinted about the threesome again. How he had to crank down his freak side. How our marathon sex sessions have waned. How he won’t mind-fuck me anymore because if his sexual tales won’t come to fruition, then he doesn’t want to spin those tales anymore. Topic closed, no more discussion. I didn’t like that. I didn’t like the complete closure of a conversation topic and I didn’t like the fact that we were discussing this while stoned. But since I have been a bit intense this week, for once I had the good sense to shut up and let it rest.

This week has been one of settling into a relationship and learning how to ride the waves of an ever-changing dynamic of living with someone. I have to consider that the Hunter had a not-so-good week also. Driving home from work last night, he was rear-ended on Thursday, the weather is getting hotter so his job is harder since he is outside all day. His girlfriend has been cold and snippy and he hasn’t done anything to cause this, he’s only the recipient of that nastiness. Tonight will be interesting. Can we reconnect? Oh yeah, I’m working this weekend and he’s hunting. Reality is intruding in our haze of lust and love so it will be interesting to see how we move through this…

Would I Lie to You?

Would I lie to you?
Would I lie to you honey?
Now would I say something that wasn’t true?
I’m asking you sugar
Would I lie to you?

Eurythmics

The Hunter and I frequently ask one another a question meant to develop a better understanding and intimacy.  My questions are based off a New York Times article about 36 questions that will cause a couple fall in love.  I wrote about this earlier.  The Hunter is far more creative and comes up with his own questions.  Here is our exchange this week on one of his questions.

The Hunter:  If you have the ability to change one thing about your boyfriend/girlfriend what would it be?

Maggie:  Wow. Good question. Are you ready for brutal honesty? You leave the toilet seat up sometimes. But seriously I have a blunt answer but I don’t want you to get upset, just think about it.

The Hunter:  Ok go ahead.

Maggie:  I would change the fact that you were a serial cheater. I don’t expect perfection & I know that 40% of marriages have some form of infidelity, plus I am no angel myself. It does flit thru my mind on rare occasions that leopards don’t change their spots…but I love you & know that we have strong, open communication so I’m OK.

The Hunter:  Wow! I’ve never been called a serial cheater. Lmao! Maggie, you’re plenty woman for me. You do something no other woman has done for me. You never say no! And we can talk about anything. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.

Maggie:  Awww. I was concerned on how you would take that. OK. What would you change about me?

The Hunter:  I would add another pussy and a dick, and put tiny little hands inside your ass to grab my dick when I fuck you.

Maggie:  LMAO. Ewww – really? I would be some genetic mutated freak, but wait a minute, think of the money we could make from porn….

I knew that he would want to discuss my answer further, so I simply gave him the room to think about it and sure enough the next evening he brings the subject up again.  The Hunter has been very open about the fact that he did cheat.  He was laughing because he had never been called a serial cheater.  He said he had been called an asshole cheater, a goddamned cheater, but never a serial cheater.  The Hunter gently reminded me that I am no angel either.  I agreed.  I did cheat in my marriage, but I was young when it occurred and afterwards I never strayed. I pointed out that how we cheated was different.  I also said that, to me, cheating meant that something was missing from the marriage.  It was a symptom of some larger issue.

I reminded him as I mentioned in my text that 40% of marriages/LTR experienced infidelity.  With that high a statistic I was realistic about the odds.  Perhaps I am somehow giving him a hall pass by telling him that I know that the odds are against us for 100% monogamy, but as I told him I will be hurt nonetheless.  The Hunter said that he has quashed his freaky side and tucked it away, so I have nothing to worry about it.

My girlfriends are of the opinion that a leopard doesn’t change its spots.  In my text above, I used this analogy with the Hunter.  He says he’s not a leopard.  So although I have given this man my heart, my head still cautions me.  He was married twice and lived with his son’s mother for five years so his track record is poor, but the Hunter claims that he has grown and learned from the wrong that he did.  Time will tell.

I know that the Hunter struggles with bouts of jealousy. He asked me if I am in communication with any of the guys I was dating prior to him.  I told him that BG had texted me about two weeks ago with an invitation to a basketball game.  I went on to tell the Hunter that I declined the invitation and the next invitation for some “no one needs to know” sex.  I also told him that BG is now deleted from my phone.

One night this week I had curled up in bed early  to read and comment on blogs with my iPad.  As he approached the bed, I closed the screen and kissed him.  He crawled into bed and I could feel his coolness.  Something was wrong, so I asked him what was up.  He asked me why I close my iPad screen when he approaches me.  I told him one reason, but not the other.  The hidden reason is that although he knows I keep a private blog as a diary, he doesn’t realize that it’s also a public, anonymous blog that I share you with, Dear Readers.  Many times I am up on WordPress reading, commenting and writing.  The other reason and the one I told him is that when he approaches me for attention I want to give him my undivided attention, so electronic devices are closed and put to the side out of respect.  Now I leave the screen up so he can glance at it as I put it aside, but this is giving him glimpses of my blog and my WordPress reader.  I value my privacy on this blog, so I may have to revisit this with him. For now, he is reassured and not seeking any additional information.

Living together and relationships remind me of the ocean — constantly in motion with ever changing moods.  So far it has been smooth sailing, but as I continue to say, time will tell.  Enjoy the video — it’s the Eurythmics at their best.

 

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