"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Madness

Madness, madness, they call it madness
Madness, madness, they call it madness
It’s plain to see
That is what they mean to me
Madness, madness, they call it gladness, ha-ha

Madness, madness, they call it madness
Madness, madness, they call it madness
I’m about to explain
A-That someone is losing their brain
Hey, madness, madness, I call it gladness, yee-ha-ha-ha

Madness

The Hunter and I made a bold move this week. Due to unforeseen circumstances, we decided to escalate our relationship to a new level….he has moved into my place. At this point, Day One, I am fine and am not freaking out nor is he, but we both acknowledge the possibility that one or both of us will be freaking out in the coming days, weeks or months ahead.

This came about because his roommate had a psychotic meltdown a couple of days ago. I saw the texts, heard the phone call, saw the Facebook posts myself and realized that the roommate is mentally unstable. To make it more dramatic, the roommate owns a friggin’ arsenal, so the Hunter was not feeling comfortable about the situation whatsoever. He’s known his roommate for many years, since high school. The result was the Hunter having to call the police to be there in order for him to safely pack up and leave, not a pretty situation. The Hunter’s son and girlfriend helped him move out, so I met them last night during the move. Great kids and they are intensely curious about me, the oldest woman and first gringa the Hunter has ever called his girlfriend. I can write a whole post about that dinner.

Now I have someone else living in my home. This will be interesting. Surprisingly, we both feel good about this and I am not having second thoughts/regrets/pangs of anxiety or whatever. I am just simply cool and comfortable, albeit unwilling to tell my kids and family at this stage. I also realize that this is absolutely fucking nuts to let this guy move into my home, but I really like having him around and I miss him dreadfully when he’s not here. He’s simply easy to be with and he doesn’t pressure me to entertain him. I actually willingly want to do things for him, which is interesting unto itself because for years I had no interest in doing much of anything nice for my Ex. I guess I should add that to my list of things I did wrong in our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I did nice things for my Ex frequently but either a) they went unacknowledged or b) he criticized what I did, so I wouldn’t go out of my way for the Ex.

Let’s go back to today and the Hunter. We are still bumping along in our communication and relationship. We have learned that whenever one of us feels uncomfortable or hurt by the other’s words, we need to stop and discuss it. Monday night was a classic example. Monday was before the whole roommate drama began. The Hunter was over and cooking dinner (oh, yes, I am so getting accustomed to this). We were discussing how long he would be staying with me this week and next; obviously the moving in decision had not even begun. I pulled out my calendar and told him that I had two evening business events next week and that I would prefer him to stay home. He quietly took it the wrong way and within 10 minutes, I could feel waves of negative energy pouring off him.

I asked him what was wrong and he said that when I told him to stay home those evenings, he felt like I only wanted him around for sex. Wow, talk about role reversal. I explained my reasoning which had to do with my Ex.

When I was married, any evening business event was a negotiation with my Ex. I would tell him well in advance and ask him to deal with the kids (i.e. pick-up, dinner, etc.). My Ex was so fucking annoying about this. First he would say it sounded OK, but only if something didn’t pop up for his work, so he wouldn’t commit which made it difficult for me to commit. I later learned to just ignore his waffling and move ahead with my plans. He would keep me on pins and needles all day with me occasionally making contingency plans just in case. Then when I headed to the event, he would be asking me when I would be getting home, does he need to pick up the kids, feed the kids…you get the picture – in his mind I was still responsible for all of these things and he was just doing me a huge favor by allowing me to go to a work event. Good grief. I always felt a bit torn, anxious and on a curfew when I went to an evening work event. It was miserable and I could never get it fully resolved even when the kids were able to fend for themselves. Imagine the negotiations I had to go through for “me” time or doing something with my girlfriends.  With that background, I have no interest in having someone waiting for me to get home while I am at a business event, so I wanted the Hunter to be at his home those evenings in order to alleviate that anxiety in my mind.

Back to present day quandary, after the Hunter explained his perspective, I reassured him that he was wrong and explained the above. I managed to do it with only an initial gulp of possible tears and as I continued to explain, the tears faded and I got through it intact. We both had an “ah ha” moment of understanding, the air was clear and we were back to status quo. That alone was very interesting to both of us, so we paused and discussed that as well. I am so relieved and pleased that both of us are using our words to express our feelings and thoughts to the other, who is listening without judgment. It gives both of us an opportunity to gain a better understanding of the reasoning behind our actions and words.

In the meantime, we will be spending the weekend getting organized. I wasn’t ready at all for the Hunter to move in. We are figuring out where his stuff will go and right now my office is the principal target. It’s a mess, so I have a lot to do. I also am having a little territory angst because this is my work space.  I need to work through why I am having some minor pangs. We also have to figure out the financial aspect of this. He wants to give me full rein of his finances and I promptly said, “no way, that’s too soon”, so we will be working through all through that as well. I have some ideas on how to handle this, but it does not involve me having access to any of his bank accounts.

If you had asked me a month ago, what the odds would be that I would be living with someone, I would have said a million to one. Once again, I am wrong. Oh so wrong….

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Comments on: "Madness" (9)

  1. This car is moving very fast. Better make sure your high speed driving skills are up to date. 🙂

    Like

  2. I am so happy that you are able to look at this and understand it. I’m also happy that things are going so well for you guys (hugs)!

    Like

  3. I love this. I love it because life forced you to make a move that you both sound ready for, even if you didn’t know it.
    The fact that you miss him when he’s not around speaks volumes!
    I am sure that there will be bumps, but from what you wrote about Monday night, it looks like you have the skills to negociate them.
    Enjoy!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. […] We’ll call his son “Nino” and his girlfriend, “Chica”. I met them for the first time on the night the Hunter moved in with me. It was an eye-opening experience for them and one that bemused me […]

    Like

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