"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for March, 2015

Nightmares

When the darkness creeps in,
I feel my nightmares watching me.
And when my dreams are sleeping,
I feel my nightmares watching me.
Oh, oh, oh!
I feel my nightmares watching me.

Ed Sheeran

This weekend was a busy one for me because I had to work most of it. I host an annual hospitality tent at a lovely local festival. We distribute about 100 tickets to friends, family and even customers (LOL). My boss was out of the country, but regardless, the bulk of the work rests with me on this day.

I guess that Sunday’s festival had me on edge also because I awoke Sunday morning due to a nightmare. I dreamt an awful dream about my Ex. It was a ridiculous dream where he had all my clothes in a hidden closet and only when I began furiously screaming at him, did he reveal the secret closet which also held my deceased mother’s clothing, my kids’ clothes along with mine. His father, who has been dead for 20+ years, was alive in this dream. I awoke furious and emotional. As I silently cried for a few moments (tears of anger and hurt), the Hunter woke up. “What’s wrong, love?” I told him it was a bad dream and I can’t talk about it yet, but it doesn’t involve him. He pulls me tight, strokes my hair and lulls me back to sleep. I’m a lucky girl.

The reason I dreamt of my Ex on the morning of this festival is that last year he ruined the day for me. He managed to humiliate me and put friends in the middle of it all. It’s a story worth telling, so sit back and read on.

Last year at this time, we were finalizing our divorce. I knew that my Ex was dating someone already. I hadn’t really tried very hard to hit the dating circuit. I was happily enjoying my singleness and my son’s final days of high school. I wanted to get my son off to college and spend some time alone.

This hospitality event is actually funded by one of my biggest clients. They are very, very generous with me. We had completed a big project that had taken a great deal of my time but had given me the biggest payday of my career which enabled me to leave my marriage on my terms. Naturally my Ex hated this client for those reasons and others. Last year was our third year at this festival. My Ex had helped me out at the first one and didn’t attend the second, so I didn’t know if he would show up or not, but I was unconcerned. I should have been concerned…

During our marriage, we had very, very close friends, R& F. F had dated my Ex in college and they remained friends afterwards. I knew that R&F would end up with my Ex at the end of the day, but they were always nice and cordial to me. F even called me crying when I filed for divorce saying that they wanted “joint custody” and didn’t want to choose. Yeah, yeah, my counselor warned me about friends like these. In any case, a couple of weeks earlier I had chatted with F and mentioned the festival. The night before the festival, F called and asked for tickets. I eagerly agreed. She was also bringing her 80+ year old mother, who can be a pain, but whatever.

Festival day arrives and I am walking up to the entrance to greet them and give them their tickets. I get a text from a colleague, “Your Ex is at the tent”. I glibly think, “Oh, F&A must have told him they are coming so they will spend the day together.” I am not too worried. My Ex joins me at the gate and we see F&A approaching. My Ex turns to me and says, “I just want to let you know that my girlfriend, Olga, is also coming along with the Putins.” WTF. The Putins are next-door neighbors of F&A with Mr. Putin being a client of my Ex’s. The Putins also brought along other family members, so all together there is a group of about 8 – 10 people including F&A, my Ex and Olga.

Let me clarify the situation: The Putins and F&A live about an hour away. They all carpooled down together. My Ex got tickets for the Putins and his girlfriend. F&R mooched free tickets off of me for themselves and the bitchy elderly mom. Seriously?! This shit is going down during my WORK event? F&R never warned me of this as good friends should do for one another. I am blindsided by all of this. Lovely.

I quickly rally. I greet everyone with hugs. Distribute my tickets, make sure everyone has tickets to get in and then make excuses of needing to get back to my guests. I bolt back to my tent. Sitting at my tent are my boss, my colleagues, friends, prominent members of the community. Now I have this new entourage of people are about to join us…. I am fuming because my Ex knows I will not pitch a fit in front of people. I announce to everyone that my Ex will be joining us shortly with his new girlfriend, need I say more? My girlfriends rally and lock down. They declare they aren’t leaving. My boss and colleagues quickly drink all the beer so we don’t have to share. I love how they take one for the team – LOL, but it helped because I wasn’t about to be hospitable.

The afternoon was just embarrassing. The bitchy elderly mom is dumped off at my tent. The Putins, F&A, my Ex and Olga enjoyed the festival and then sat down at my tent at the end of the day. Ugh. I overhear my Ex telling R that one of the tents and some of the chairs are “his” and I took them. If he wanted to be petty, those items were all gifts from my kids. The entourage was hanging around wanting to say hello to my son who was scheduled to show up at the end of the day to help me break down the tent. I refused to call him because I was so mad, so I kept telling them that he’s delayed. They ended up running into him in the parking lot on their way out. My son asked why I didn’t have him come earlier, so I had to tell my son that I didn’t want him there because I was so pissed off.

The whole day just clarified who my friends were and what a douche my Ex was (and still is). I spent that evening tired, in tears and incredibly hurt. My girlfriends sent me texts of support because I just couldn’t talk to anyone. It sent me scrambling for an emergency session with my counselor so I could digest it all. I realized that my Ex was doing this, perhaps subconsciously, because it involved that particular client. What an asshole.

What was even more insane was that F stopped by my place the next day because she and her daughter were in the neighborhood. She had never seen my new place and wanted to check it out. She thought everything was hunky dory between us. I confronted her gently about the previous day’s events. I asked her why she didn’t give me a heads up? She had no explanation other than she didn’t know the Putins and Olga were going until that morning. “ Yeah, right,” said my counselor. Interestingly enough all of F’s Facebook postings of the event had pictures of the Putins and my Ex – none of me. That tells a story in itself.

With all of this soap opera drama taking place last year, I went into this year’s event with a bit of trepidation. What if my Ex attended this year? Would he and the Hunter cross paths? No wonder I had a nightmare! I am surprised I didn’t have more, but what a difference a year makes. Tomorrow I’ll tell you about meeting the Hunter’s sister and the Hunter meeting some of my girlfriends.

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Father to Son

A word in your ear, from father to son
hear the words that I say
I fought with you, fought on your side
Long before you were born

Queen

I am going to circle back today to tell you about meeting the Hunter’s son and girlfriend. We’ll call his son “Nino” and his girlfriend, “Chica”. I met them for the first time on the night the Hunter moved in with me. It was an eye-opening experience for them and one that bemused me endlessly.

They pulled in and began unloading all of the Hunter’s belongings. I asked Chica if she wanted something to drink and we made ourselves scarce so the men could unload without our interference. We chatted and I quickly found common ground with her when I discovered she went to the same high school as my kids. She’s an articulate, bright girl and I liked her immediately.

Then the men came inside, so I finished getting dinner ready for everyone. The Hunter had discovered my crockpot the day before and was fascinated with it, so he used it to make a wonderful pot roast that was included tons of veggies. It smelled divine and tasted great. The Hunter had predicted that his son wouldn’t eat it because he was a picky eater. Never under-estimate your kid’s ability to prove you wrong because Nino sat down and ate what was served without a murmur.

I am great with the small talk, so I led the conversation through a couple of topics and focused on school. Nino doesn’t like school and is attending college reluctantly. Chica is doing well and has a chosen a great major. The Hunter lapsed into patriarch mode and was telling his son the importance of education (something he didn’t focus on in his youth and now regrets). On a couple of points I agreed with the Hunter and a couple I didn’t, so I sided with Nino. I later told the Hunter I did that on purpose and I hope it didn’t upset him. Why would I purposely disagree with a parent? In order to more quickly warm up the son. When I side with the son over the parent, the son sees a comrade. Yes, all part of Maggie’s plan to conquer the family. Fortunately the Hunter didn’t mind my strategy.

In any case, the most amusing part of the evening was when Nino discovered my age. I mentioned it during a conversation. He realizes that I am older than his dad, so he turns to his dad and says, “You are dating a cougar!” I laugh and am undisturbed, but the Hunter had a moment of fluster which was hilarious for all of us. All in all it was a great first meeting. The next day Nino called his dad and mentioned that the fact that I am the first gringa that the Hunter has ever dated. He is intrigued with me.

All kidding aside, as I get to know more about the Hunter, the more I see his integrity. When he got Nino’s mom pregnant, he was with her at the abortion clinic. Right at the moment they called her name, he decided that he wanted to be a father and persuaded her to have Nino. He lived with her for the first five years raising Nino. Then they split, but he remained very involved with Nino to the point of taking full custody of him at age 10 and raising him ever since. His love for his son is palpable and their relationship is close.

Now I just need to get Nino comfortable with coming over to our place whether I am home or not. He is a bit shy and reluctant, but I’ll subtlety work on that. It will make his dad happy and that, in turn, will make me happy as well. Next up will eventually be meeting the Hunter’s semi-estranged sister and her family. That will be fascinating….

Don’t Look Back

Don’t look back, ooh a new day is breakin’
It’s been too long since I felt this way
I don’t mind ooh where I get taken
The road is callin’, today is the day
I can see, it took so long just to realize
I’m much too strong not to compromise
Now I see what I am is holding me down
I’ll turn it around, oh yes I will
I finally see the dawn arrivin’
I see beyond the road I’m drivin’

Boston

The Hunter and I had a conversation about previous relationships that was interesting. Like watching a train wreck in wretched fascination, the Hunter finally had a few questions for me about my post-divorce relationships. He wanted to know how many guys I fucked prior to him and post-divorce. He wanted to know how I met these guys, so we talked about my time on Ashley Madison. He was surprised for a couple of reasons.

First, he was surprised that Ashley Madison worked. I told him that it was horrible for guys, but great for me. He was blown away by the number of inquiries I received weekly (over 100 picture requests). He was curious on why I went for married guys. I explained that at that time, I wanted sex, no strings-attached-sex and AM, at the time, seemed the best, quickest way to get there. Then I explained to him that after only two months on AM, I realized that I wanted more and I needed to be #1 in a man’s life, so I stopped. I told him that, for me, online dating sucked.

He is curious about my threesome but hasn’t been able to work himself up to asking for complete details. He has jealousy issues to work through, so I answer his questions but I don’t volunteer information because I have found that doesn’t help. He wants small doses of information that he can process than he asks for more. The Hunter realizes that he cannot judge me because he clearly admits to sleeping with over 100 women. I have told him that there will be no slut-shaming of my sexual past because that will cause a great deal of trouble between us – no double standards. He agrees and mildly wrestles with his latent chauvinism.

His last fuck buddy came from Facebook. I was surprised. He met this married woman through a mutual friend. The mutual friend actually is an exhibitionist who puts up erotic photography of herself. The Hunter wanted to hit on her (also married, but monogamous), however, after seeing how other guys hit on her, he took the smart approach and just engaged her civilly. That interaction roused the attention of the horny married friend who then pursued the Hunter. The first time they met was at the hourly motel rendezvous. She was older looking than her photos, but he calmed her jitters with pot and beer. He fucked her regularly at the hourly motel. Her blow jobs are apparently better than mine (I continue to want to improve, so I always appreciate constructive coaching). But she is married and a bit dramatic (as most of his previous paramours), so he was happy to be done with her. Although she may re-emerge as a potential for a threesome.  Time will tell.

I swear, I am such an innocent to not recognize that people of my age are hooking up through Facebook. OK, sure high school friends reconnect and hook up through Facebook, but strangers? I was fascinated.

Love Hurts

Love hurts, love scars, love wounds
And mars, any heart
Not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
Love hurts……ooh, ooh love hurts

Nazareth

Ouch that hurt. The Hunter has been whispering in my ear for a couple of days about his desire for a threesome. The ultimate experience for him would be for me to fuck him with the strap on while he fucks another girl. He envisions a unison of thrusting and it turns him on. To get to that point, he is willing for baby steps of just having someone in the room and working up to it. He has talked about swingers clubs, and we read an article on what’s in the area.

We may have found Maggie’s limit. It doesn’t interest me right now. I have told him “not yet” and continue to say that I need more time for our relationship to deepen. Last night for about the third night in a row he begins spinning his story and telling me of his fantasy for this. Now I feel like he’s pushing and I am uncomfortable. I tell him that I need a minimum of 30 days before I will consider it again. He says fine.

He has found a girl. He fucked her awhile ago and she was part of a group of friends that would go out dancing. He has apparently spoken to her about joining us. She is bisexual and horny because she’s having a dry spell according to him. He finds her after my request for time.

With this reality facing me, I realize that I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to take this new relationship and subject it to this situation. I have no idea how it will go. What if threesomes become a regular request by the Hunter? How would I feel about that? I don’t want them to occur in my house which is a good indication of how I feel about the situation.

Plus let’s examine the Hunter’s behavior. He openly says he gets an idea or fantasy in his head early in the day and then spends the day thinking about it. This also means he is thinking about how best to get inside my head with this idea. When he wants to chat about these sexual fantasies, we smoke a little pot because he likes me a little high (which leads to me being horny). I can clearly see his groundwork and strategy in this. Yes, I see his attempts to manipulate me.

Last night I was a bit sad because I wonder if the great sex that pulled us so close will eventually drive us apart. This pressure for a threesome has thrown up a guard for me. Last night while we were fucking on the patio (his new favorite place), he was pounding on me. The full length of his dick was in me and while I like that and can handle it for awhile, eventually it’s too much, so I need to shift positions to something more comfortable.

It was a new dynamic. First, I let him know that I would be needing a change. In a sexy way. I said, “Baby, you are pounding me so hard I can’t take it much longer. You are fucking me so hard.” Now to me that is clearly a wrap up signal. He continues. I repeat. He continues. I have to stop everything because, shit, my pussy couldn’t take it. He is a bit astonished, but we quickly regroup in a more comfortable position to me and he comes hard and he’s very satisfied.

Then he tells me that I wimped out on him. That I have taken more in the past. He says it teasingly but says it nonetheless. I tell him to remember that this is a pussy that is still in recovery. Yep, the doctor switched up my meds based on the lab results, so it is still not 100%. His comment on the heels of our threesome conversation stung. I know why he said it. He said it because that’s one of his reasons behind a threesome. When I need a break and he wants to keep going, he would have the other chick to keep fucking. He has said that to me.

So post-sex, I am not blissful Maggie. I am Maggie with a lot on her mind. I need space and time to think about him, some complicated work issues, some money issues and a host of other things on my mind. I didn’t get a great release for our sex. It was good, but not the “forget everything” sex I am accustomed to with him.

We go inside and take a shower together. I am not feeling as connected as I usually do. My thoughts are swirling. As I said, there is a lot on my mind, so being in the moment is tough. Particularly since I am feeling pressured for the threesome. We go back to the patio to hang out and he is smoking more pot. Then he says, “can I take the girl to a motel and fuck her?” Just like that. Just like that I am filled with hurt. I am devastated. Tears spring to my eyes. I am not enough.

He sees that this upset me. He backs off immediately and apologizes.
He goes further with his apology by getting sexy and going down on me. He’s very good, but I wasn’t in that moment either. I didn’t cum. He was remorseful all evening.

This morning he asked for a question to discuss. We do this often. I asked him if a monogamous relationship is enough for him. He answers “Yes!’ Then he calls. I tell him I feel like I’m disappointing him. That I feel like I’m not enough for him. He is so contrite. He reassures me that I am but also tells me that he’ll put all this aside to never be discussed again. I feel like I’m repressing him. He doesn’t see it that way. It’s all part of being in a relationship. The give and take. I’m teary. He eases my hurt with his words of love and then he nails it. “I need to honor our relationship the same way I have asked you to respect it.”

He feels pressure to keep things fresh in the bedroom. He would like to see a foursome sometime but whatever. He loves what we have. He thinks about sex constantly and perhaps it is because of what I have unleashed within him. So we will continue to talk and I’ll hopefully calm down. He loves me for who I am and he has told me that I’m not letting him down. In fact, he later tells me he is pleased that I am not into this because to him it tells him I will be faithful and won’t cheat on him.

I need to tell myself that I am worthy and I deserve what I want. I can’t let anyone pressure me. He loves the fact that I am submissive to him in bed and never reject him. He is very happy with me or so he tells me. I just need to believe him. But for the first time, the Hunter wounded me and I was surprised by the pain. Let’s see how things proceed with his sexual longings and our reality.

Happy

It might seem crazy what I’m about to say
Sunshine she’s here, you can take a break
I’m a hot air balloon that could go to space
With the air, like I don’t care baby by the way
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do

Pharrell Williams

On Saturday, the Hunter and I made a “Trail Angel” run for one of his close friends. Trail Angels are people who help out hikers with food, water or in other ways to make their trail life easier. This particular friend, Teacher, was on a 3-day bicycle trip with a seasoned, venerable hiker who we have all come to find out is also bat-shit crazy. Teacher sent a text message begging for wings and beer, so on Saturday early evening we set out for the rendezvous point. I almost didn’t go because we had just had a marathon sex session and I was feeling lazy. But since I had to get dressed to walk the dog, I decided what the heck. That was the right decision.

As we drive out to the meeting spot, Teacher is on the phone with the Hunter bitching up a storm about his trail partner. It was hilarious because the Hunter only got in about 10 words in a 20 minute conversation. We get out to the meeting spot and Teacher plowed into his wings and beer. As I sat on the truck’s tailgate, I drank a beer and ate a couple of wings to keep him company. Teacher took our picture and posted a sweet Facebook entry about us coming to his rescue with water, wings and beer. As he took the picture, the Hunter turned to me and said, “You know this photo will go viral”. He was right.

Sunday morning as we making our epic brunch, I got a call first from my daughter, “You look so happy.” Then I get a Facebook message from a long-time girlfriend. Our exchange made me cry. She started with, “I love how happy you look in all your pictures. It’s nice to see.” I respond with, “Aww. That means so much to me! He is making me very happy. My daughter just called and said the same thing.

My girlfriend goes on and causes my tears, “We (meaning she and her husband who I also adore) both love and appreciate everything you’ve done. You were always happy but…now you look happy and peaceful. You are one of the most awesome people I’ve ever known. Sorry to get all mushy but I know you’ve had some tough times and love that they are now behind you.” I am rendered teary eyed and speechless, so I mutely hand over my iPad to the Hunter so he can read the message.

It’s been interesting talking to the Hunter about my marriage. I realize now that I put up with way too much. There was no balance in our relationship, very little partnership. In comparison to my short-term time with the Hunter, it is night and day. I have let down my walls of resistance and the rewards are fabulous so far.

Other Chicks

I know you and her got something goin on, and I respect that, but you gotta admit, there’s something between us..
Everything I want, you got it,
And I must admit that I’m..excited,
That girl aint right for you,
See I’m the type for you,
And what I’d like to do is chill…Feel me?

Ciara

Another story that has evolved is an interesting appearance of the Other Woman this past week. I had always thought that she was my competition and apparently I wasn’t wrong. During our platonic New Year’s Eve camping trip, the Hunter had invited her also. She didn’t come once she caught wind that I was there. Over the past week or so, we have had a couple of discussions about her because I am getting bolder about asking questions. I am not jealous of her, but I am curious about the Hunter’s relationship with her (i.e. how far did it progress, did they date, sleep together, etc.).

Yes, she didn’t show up at the camping trip once she learned I was there and yes, the Hunter had intentionally set up having both of us invited to see how we would react. He had been developing a friendship with the Other Woman parallel to ours. This is also the woman that he had spent the day with previous to our picnic in the park. As I have come to find out, the Hunter is very savvy and adept with the dating and mental games. Apparently she was a bit more competition in the early days than I gave her credit, however, I won, obviously. I can’t underestimate that they have quite a few things in common including their country of origin. She was born there; he wasn’t but is closely tied to his heritage. She also belongs to our hiking club which is where they met.

At the beginning of our Other Woman discussions, the Hunter had a small struggle with talking about her openly. When he realized that I was not going to get mad, he opened up more. One thing he told me early on was that he still considered her a friend and would continue to talk to her. I was fine with that. God knows how many guy friends I have, so who am I to protest? Once he realized that I have no problem with friends of the opposite sex, he relaxed and openly answered my questions and even volunteered information.

However, he wasn’t open with her about the nature of his relationship with me nor did he tell her that he had moved in with me. That perhaps was not a good move on his part. I know that she was attracted to him and wanted to date him. My favorite photo of him was taken by her. She was in daily contact with him up until last week. Then she made two mistakes and the Hunter now doesn’t want anything to do with her. Her first mistake? She stepped out of his Facebook group and didn’t disclose that when he asked her to become an administrator of the group. That seems somewhat petty, but actually it isn’t. The Hunter has started a group page that is growing by leaps and bounds. It has well over 250 members in just 90 days. His topics are timely and well-received. The Other Woman left the group due to some of the subject matter. He found out she left the group when he went to make her an administrator. He confronted her and she stammered through something that seemed like an apology but not quite. He was not pleased with her leaving the group nor her inability to fully own up to it.

Immediately following that exchange, she demanded to accompany him to a doctor’s appointment. The Hunter had a doctor’s appointment with my doctor.  I wasn’t planning on going with him, but when the Other Woman told him that she was going with me, I knew I had to step up my game and escort him. It ended up being a blessing in disguise because he needed me there to run interference with the medical staff. He told the Other Woman that he didn’t need her to go because I was going. She asked why Maggie and he explained that I was his girlfriend. Oh boy. I felt bad for her getting the news that way. The drama from both issues has resulted in the Hunter deleting her from his phone and un-friending her on Facebook. The Hunter showed me an earlier series of texts where he clearly explained to her that they would never be more than friends. She was in denial. My heart goes out to her on this one. She’s still my Facebook friend so we’ll see how that goes because she will start seeing posts involving me with the Hunter. Facebook is a dangerous place. I have another Hunter story about Facebook and his fuck buddy before dating me.

Fuck Her Gently

This is a song for the ladies
But fellas, listen closely
You don’t always have to fuck her hard
In fact sometimes that’s not right to do
Sometimes you’ve got to make some love
And fuckin’ give her some smoochies too
Sometimes ya got to squeeze
Sometimes you’ve got to say, “Please”
Sometime you’ve got to say
“Hey, I’m gonna fuck you softly

Tenacious D

This weekend was spent having a major fuck fest with the Hunter. At the end, we both acknowledged that although we had made plans to get outside of the bedroom, neither one of us was any good with follow through. We have vowed to do better because we both have a love of the outdoors that has been neglected for the past 6-8 weeks, but at the end of the weekend, we confessed that we are still addicted to one another in the bedroom.

I discovered that applying a thin layer of baby oil on my labia both before and after sex has helped my comfort level tremendously. I guess this is the fate of a post-menopausal woman, but it’s an easy solution. I survived a weekend of Cialis-fueled sex with no problems except that on Saturday night after three rounds of hour plus sex, I needed a time out. The Hunter was still raring to go with his Cialis-fueled penis, but I need a break, so we slept for a couple of hours and then had outstanding sex outside on the patio at 2:30 am.

I am starting to see some very subtle changes as we ease into a live-in, long-term relationship. Nothing that is concerning, just a loosening I would call it. My sex drive is easing off the gas pedal, so the Hunter and I had a chat about that development during one of our out of the house breaks. We both agree that my sex drive was on hyper because I was trying to make up for lost time with a string of NSA men and that only made me more insatiable because I never was sure where or when my next fuck was. Now with a regular and outstanding sex partner, my extreme horniness is subsiding into something more controllable.

The Hunter on the other hand is unleashed. With an open, giving and game partner, he finally is feeling free to explore his sexual side unfettered. He is a force to be reckoned with. We aren’t finding a mismatch of libidos at this time, but time will tell. He wants to explore a variety of things including BDSM and threesomes. Although I am willing to consider those things, I also want some time in the relationship before these varsity level explorations. Our communication remains very open, so we will see what happens. The Hunter is enamored with me because, to date, I have never said “no” to him. That’s a first for him.

The domesticity of living together continues to be great. We don’t get into each other’s space too much yet we thoroughly enjoy each other’s company. On Sunday, we woke up fully prepared for a day outside. We ended up lazing in bed with some sex, a lot of talk and then we moved on to a big Sunday brunch. By then it was noon and we soon ended up back in bed for another round of great sex. That led to a long nap for me while the Hunter was busy doing some paperwork, running an errand and fixing dinner. I woke up to a fabulous dinner and then we drove out to a prairie area to watch the sunset. That was a beautiful moment of watching flocks of birds flying in to roost, the sun setting in a swirling haze of pinks and reds all while snuggled in the arms of the Hunter. Life is good.

By the way, the video is hilarious. Enjoy.

 

 

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