"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink

My head hurts, my feet stink, and I don’t love Jesus.
It’s that kind of mornin’,
really was that kind of night.
Tryin’ to tell myself that my
condition is improvin’ and if I don’t
die by Thursday I’ll be roarin’ Friday night.

Jimmy Buffet

Another kerfuffle has occurred with the Hunter and it makes me wonder if this is all me or if he is secretly a drama king as well. We are in the middle of it and by the time you read this, it could all be water under the bridge. As it stands right now, he’s mad, I’m sad and my Friday night will be spent with my dog, cat and take-out.

I had plans on Thursday night to go to a fund-raising event with a lacrosse booster club I ran for a couple of years. The Hunter was fine with it and all was well. The day before the event, my girlfriend invited me to be her plus one at a business dinner with some men that would be good contacts for me as well. I readily switch my plans and inform the Hunter accordingly. He’s fine with it…seemingly.

Dinner went a little sideways. The main guy’s flight was late, so dinner got pushed back an hour, so my girlfriend and I drank a bottle of wine at the bar waiting. Then we had dinner (and the portions were tiny) and another glass of wine…..yep, Maggie got drunk again. Not too bad and I got home safely. The next morning I have a hangover of epic proportions and really just want to hunker under the covers. I think wine plus a dessert gave me a sugar overload. After some coffee, some toast and some puking, I get a text from the Hunter. Usually he calls me around 6 am (yes, and I like the call – it’s nice to wake up to his voice), but today he didn’t. Part of me in my hangover haze thought that I should text him, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anybody, so I didn’t. That was a mistake.

When he did text me, “This silence from you is not a good sign.” I confess to being sick and he replies that it sounds like a hangover and he tells me he hopes I feel better. Damn, I can’t get away with anything with this guy. He calls me during his lunch and tells me once again I have disappointed him and he is having trust issues with me. My drunken evening doesn’t respect our relationship. Really?

We had a longer conversation after work and I am mulling it all over because let’s face it; both of us have had a dysfunctional relationships in the past, so who knows who is right? He has spent a number of years alone coming to terms with himself and changing. I have had less than two years and I am truly an active work in progress.

I don’t know. I have come to the realization as I walked the dog, that my life has been a series of shitty relationships. From my parents, to my boyfriends, to my husband — I was never truly unconditionally loved for who I was. Funny, as I write this, I realize that the Hunter in his own way, is making his love conditional. That’s not a good thing. I think that in his own way, he’s afraid also and puts up his own barriers as we move deeper into this relationship. But back to me, because obviously I want to write about me and my thoughts.

Here I am at 50 years of age, trying to understand what a truly good, strong relationship looks like. I put this article about signs of a good relationship up on my Facebook page this afternoon and the Hunter immediately pounced on it. He asked me why I put it up and I told him because I thought it showed what we have right now.

I am tapped out today. This week has been a whirlwind of deadlines, missed deadlines, over-promising and under-delivering, fighting with clients, and just general mayhem. Perhaps that’s why I drank too much last night. In any case, this relationship business is a lot of work. I actually have to think about the other person? Am I ready for that? I like to think so, but perhaps my actions are speaking louder than my words.

He just called and is headed down to chat face-to-face. I prefer that. He has warned me to keep my hands to myself. I wonder if he’s serious or secretly hopeful that I pounce on him. I told him I would behave. I look like shit. Lovely.

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Comments on: "My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink" (7)

  1. Oh my! You are in a mess.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are absolutely right, he is making your relationship conditional. It is good that you realise this pattern in your life and should do all you can to avoid it.
    I don’t see the problem with what you did the other night. You drank a little too much. But it’s not like you got home with 2 hot dates or spent the night with them.
    You should focus on your feelings, because there is nothing you can do to change his. Nor should you. His feelings are his prerogative.
    Good luck with it all though!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Why do people do this to one another? You didn’t do anything to stir suspicion. You told him you were sick. Sometimes I wonder if people project their own poor behavior on others…..if he was out with a fellow would he be looking for other women? That’s what it sounds like. I hope the talk goes well and it’s over by tnrw. Good luck Maggie. Hugs. Xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. If you like drinking and he doesn’t like it then its a case of trying to fit a round peg in a square hole. I have the same being poly and having a monogamous bf.

    So you either need to compromise or stick to your guns and say goodbye to him. He shouldn’t judge YOU for being you, he should be telling you why HE isn’t really feeling ok with it. Don’t let him make you out to be the bad guy. No one is the bad guy here, you both just have differing opinions on the matter.

    Good luck sunshine! Hope you can tackle the issue and get past it (however that may be)!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You may an excellent point. I felt like an idiot for drinking a bit too much and over the past year I have had three occasions now where I went too far. That’s my issue to deal with and I recognize that I am not a drinker, therefore why act like one?

      What I am watching for is controlling behaviors. Those are popping up slowly, so he needs to either check them or I will rapidly end this. I just left one controlling asshole, the last thing I need is another although on this round the sex is outstanding….

      Liked by 1 person

  5. […] think I have figured out a key to the Hunter’s mind and why we had these two kerfuffles early in our dating. He is fighting that green-eyed monster of jealousy. This popped into my head […]

    Like

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