My head hurts, my feet stink, and I don’t love Jesus.
It’s that kind of mornin’,
really was that kind of night.
Tryin’ to tell myself that my
condition is improvin’ and if I don’t
die by Thursday I’ll be roarin’ Friday night.
Another kerfuffle has occurred with the Hunter and it makes me wonder if this is all me or if he is secretly a drama king as well. We are in the middle of it and by the time you read this, it could all be water under the bridge. As it stands right now, he’s mad, I’m sad and my Friday night will be spent with my dog, cat and take-out.
I had plans on Thursday night to go to a fund-raising event with a lacrosse booster club I ran for a couple of years. The Hunter was fine with it and all was well. The day before the event, my girlfriend invited me to be her plus one at a business dinner with some men that would be good contacts for me as well. I readily switch my plans and inform the Hunter accordingly. He’s fine with it…seemingly.
Dinner went a little sideways. The main guy’s flight was late, so dinner got pushed back an hour, so my girlfriend and I drank a bottle of wine at the bar waiting. Then we had dinner (and the portions were tiny) and another glass of wine…..yep, Maggie got drunk again. Not too bad and I got home safely. The next morning I have a hangover of epic proportions and really just want to hunker under the covers. I think wine plus a dessert gave me a sugar overload. After some coffee, some toast and some puking, I get a text from the Hunter. Usually he calls me around 6 am (yes, and I like the call – it’s nice to wake up to his voice), but today he didn’t. Part of me in my hangover haze thought that I should text him, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anybody, so I didn’t. That was a mistake.
When he did text me, “This silence from you is not a good sign.” I confess to being sick and he replies that it sounds like a hangover and he tells me he hopes I feel better. Damn, I can’t get away with anything with this guy. He calls me during his lunch and tells me once again I have disappointed him and he is having trust issues with me. My drunken evening doesn’t respect our relationship. Really?
We had a longer conversation after work and I am mulling it all over because let’s face it; both of us have had a dysfunctional relationships in the past, so who knows who is right? He has spent a number of years alone coming to terms with himself and changing. I have had less than two years and I am truly an active work in progress.
I don’t know. I have come to the realization as I walked the dog, that my life has been a series of shitty relationships. From my parents, to my boyfriends, to my husband — I was never truly unconditionally loved for who I was. Funny, as I write this, I realize that the Hunter in his own way, is making his love conditional. That’s not a good thing. I think that in his own way, he’s afraid also and puts up his own barriers as we move deeper into this relationship. But back to me, because obviously I want to write about me and my thoughts.
Here I am at 50 years of age, trying to understand what a truly good, strong relationship looks like. I put this article about signs of a good relationship up on my Facebook page this afternoon and the Hunter immediately pounced on it. He asked me why I put it up and I told him because I thought it showed what we have right now.
I am tapped out today. This week has been a whirlwind of deadlines, missed deadlines, over-promising and under-delivering, fighting with clients, and just general mayhem. Perhaps that’s why I drank too much last night. In any case, this relationship business is a lot of work. I actually have to think about the other person? Am I ready for that? I like to think so, but perhaps my actions are speaking louder than my words.
He just called and is headed down to chat face-to-face. I prefer that. He has warned me to keep my hands to myself. I wonder if he’s serious or secretly hopeful that I pounce on him. I told him I would behave. I look like shit. Lovely.