Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed
She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an “L” on her forehead
Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
Didn’t make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
What a confusing Valentines weekend. It was a weekend of excess and gluttony. It included mind-blowing sex — endless amounts until my body said no more. I haven’t smoked this much pot since college and Sober January is long forgotten. It also included me being a shitty person, the Hunter having his immature (and unrelated to my shittiness) moment and the whole weekend ending on a sour note.
He has clearly told me how mad he is at me (without yelling and in a mature, calm manner) and I have humbly apologized because he is right. I was a complete shit. I am still thinking about what I did and figuring out the why’s behind it. We will get to some of that in this post. He is working through his feelings as well. So what the heck happened?
The Hunter comes over on Friday and we haven’t seen each other for about three days. We are jonesing for each other, so expectations for the evening are running high for both of us. It was awesome. Dinner was great, the wine was flowing, he had just bought some amazing pot and we got completely stoned. Pot makes me incredibly horny, so let the games begin. And they did. The sex was fantastic.
Saturday morning comes and we did too. Then the Hunter climbs out of bed early and leaves for about an hour to run a quick errand. He brings me fresh picked strawberries and flowers –he had picked them both for me. How amazingly sweet and romantic. I have never had a man do such a thoughtful thing. We have a great breakfast and basically the day was spent hanging out, fucking, eating, watching a little TV and repeating. We smoked some more pot, so I was relaxed and enjoying the buzz. It was really just a great, chill, relaxing time. Then Sunday rolled around and things started unraveling…
On Sunday morning, the Hunter has his first performance issue. He can’t stay hard. Let’s face it, he’s 47 and we have been going at it like rabbits for over 24 hours. I am not at all surprised; however, I think this is a first for him. After a couple of misfires, he gets out of bed, pulls on his pants and retreats downstairs without a word. I give him 5 minutes and get dressed so I can walk my dog. He is lying on the couch and non-responsive when I tell him I’m walking the dog. Oh boy. When I get back, he is dressed with his backpack by the front door. He’s leaving.
Hold on, cowboy. I gently ask him what is he doing? He basically tells me that he can’t satisfy me, so we need to break up. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I talk him off the window ledge and get him to sit down and have some coffee. He calms down, relaxes and about two hours later fucks me and cums. I am duly noting that he does have a bit of a drama king in him. That’s his immature moment. I, of course, managed to easily top his moment with my idiotic stunt.
Prior to the weekend, I had made plans to go to a festival with two of my girlfriends on Sunday afternoon. I invited the Hunter, but he had no interest. He was fine with me going because he usually spends Sunday afternoon with his family. So after our morning interlude, I pull out my phone and confirm my plans with my girlfriends. Then I made my first mistake.
First mistake: we made plans for him to come back over to my place for dinner. In hindsight, this was a horrible idea because it gave me a curfew/deadline to end girlfriend fun time. Apparently I am not ready for a relationship to give me many constraints.
My afternoon of girl fun went slightly out of control. In retrospect, it reminded me of the few moments of freedom I would get during my marriage and I would go all out, suck every ounce of fun out of those moments and over-play my hand which landed me in trouble with my husband. Fast forward to Valentines weekend and I did it again. Same pattern. Why did it happen? Not enough freedom perhaps? Perhaps I am not ready for such an intense relationship? Perhaps I need more space?
By now you are reading this and screaming, “Give us the damn details, Maggie. What the hell did you do?” OK, OK, I’ll tell you and I realize this is not one of my finer moments.
I arrive at my girlfriend’s place and we make ourselves a nice double vodka and cranberry so we can walk around the festival properly lubricated. As we are walking around, I toss that one back and get a second double. Then I get a text from BG, “Just saw you walking by.” WTF. If he’s here, then he’s with his wife. My head is now on a swivel and I’m looking for him. BG and I begin texting about where we each are. Meanwhile my other girlfriend shows up with a guy friend and we continue to enjoy the festival. I get a third double vodka….and drunk text the Hunter. For reasons outside the realm of my sober brain’s understanding, in a series of texts I tell him that BG is at the event. I also tell him that I’m buzzed and wouldn’t he like to give me a ride home. Oh yes, my immaturity and stupidity are at an all-time high. Perhaps I should consider sober February, March, April…. He cancels our evening plans. After realizing my texts were ill-advised, I stopped both texting and drinking, but I obliviously enjoy the rest of the afternoon and evening with my friends because now I have no curfew. Hooray.
On my way home that evening, I talk to him. I realize the stupidity of my drunk texting and I apologize. I sincerely, without any excuses, apologize. I don’t think he was fully prepared for me to fully own up to my shitty behavior, but I did. Sometimes I can behave like an adult, other times I’m amazingly immature. I have been reflecting on why I would do such a stupid and thoughtless thing to a guy who has been nothing but nice to me. Perhaps I am testing him? Perhaps I am sabotaging the relationship on purpose? Who knows and both the Hunter and I are still sorting this out. For a woman who doesn’t like drama, I sure know how to create it. My next post will be about the aftermath of all this.