"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Hot N Cold

Cause you’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in then you’re out
You’re up then you’re down
You’re wrong when it’s right
It’s black and it’s white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you) You don’t really wanna stay, no
(you) But you don’t really wanna go-o
You’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in then you’re out
You’re up then you’re down

Katy Perry

If you read my notes from the past week, you would think that I have multiple personalities, particularly when it comes to the Hunter. Over the weekend, I did a shitty thing to the Hunter and now am grappling with what I did and why I did it. As usual, I am getting ahead of myself, but this is the place where I sort out my thoughts and attempt to coalesce them into some semblance of understanding.

My last post was about mind-blowing sex with the Hunter. Yes, the sex continues to be mind-blowing and he has finally fucked me enough that I am marginally sated. He gets bonus points for determination and stamina there. But, dear readers, when I wrote the last post, I was already mulling over the things that were bothering me.

Last weekend (not Valentines) he gave me a couple of pauses. Moments when I thought that I was being played or manipulated more than I recognized. I came out the other side of that weekend very unsure about whether the relationship would continue much longer. My advice gurus had opposing views. My male perspective suggested dumping the Hunter immediately. Why delay the inevitable?

My girlfriend had another point of view. Since there aren’t any viable candidates on board, why not continue to date him for a couple of months, until my luster in his eyes has worn off? If he starts getting more interested and wanting more commitment, than I raise the bar of my expectations. We all know that he is dealing with our income and social disparity. She suggests that I can just keep asking for more until he has had enough and opts out. Yes, my girlfriend’s solution seems like a cynical choice, but what if I raise the bar and he meets it? Than I’ve got a viable guy.

The Hunter comes over last Tuesday night and it is a great evening. We enjoy each other’s company, sex is great and I am lying wrapped up in his strong arms for the night. I begin to cry. I silently cry because I am happy. I am thoroughly enjoying his affection. The next day I write him the following:

I’m scared. I’m afraid of being hurt or of somehow hurting you. This seems to be moving fast yet it feels so good. Perhaps that’s why I’m afraid.

You have been nothing but honest and have wooed me with sincerity. Perhaps I still have doubts that I am worthy. I feel like I stammer and get flustered with the enormity of raw emotion you give me. I love it, don’t get me wrong, but I’m afraid to relax and embrace it. It overwhelms me at times.

But when you wrap your arms around me, whisper in my ear with your sexy voice, look me in the eye and listen, really listen to me, well, I melt and relax a little more. On Sunday after such a beautiful time together I tried to think of how you were wrong for me, what reason did I have to cut you lose. I failed. You have never given me a reason. So when you came over on Tuesday, I found myself easing up. I wanted to take care of you. I wanted you in my bed. I found myself awash in tears as I lay in your arms. I felt safe and loved. It overwhelms me.

So please be patient with me. I will be an idiot at times as I stumble along and try to appreciate all that you are offering. I will also have my moments when I need my quiet and privacy to reflect and recharge. But for now I’m yours.

I did not give that note to the Hunter and I did not see him for the rest of the week. He had a bad cold and I was completely over-stressed due to work issues. Our next encounter was Friday the 13th. It began an absolutely fabulous weekend, until I was an absolute shit and treated the Hunter horribly. I’ll tell you about that next.

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