Moondance

Can I just have one a’ more Moondance with you, my love
Can I just make some more romance with a-you, my love

Well, I wanna make love to you tonight
I can’t wait ’til the morning has come
And I know that the time is just right
And straight into my arms you will run
And when you come my heart will be waiting
To make sure that you’re never alone
There and then all my dreams will come true, dear
There and then I will make you my own
And every time I touch you, you just tremble inside
And I know how much you want me that you can’t hide

Van Morrison

I think that the Hunter is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. The Hunter snared his prey (me) and now I am awash in a flood of hormones and sexual feelings. We are moving along at warp speed and I need to slow the train down. He has spent the night four times in six days since our Super Bowl kick-off. The second romp was eye-opening. I’ve got myself a wild one.

I am teasing the Hunter and call him an MVP. He likes to think it is for Most Valuable Penis, I put the emphasis on Player. On Tuesday night, the Hunter comes over and he unleashes his real moves. Apparently he was holding back on Sunday. He was teasing me about being a freak. This guy is…outstanding in the bed. He has tried a lot of things, knows a lot of things and is fabulous at gently whispering what he wants me to do. My head is spinning.

Let’s see if I can even put this in words. I am falling and haven’t gotten the good sense to scramble back to safety. We talk, he gets me. We fuck, he’s amazing. Shit, surely it will hit the fan soon. I find him very sexy. Sexy voice, the way he touches me, looks at me. By far the most considerate with plenty of text and phone calls (without overloading me). Respectful of when I need to work and focus.

What is this going to be? How do I reconcile the things I like to do with what he likes to do? He isn’t one to take to a corporate event. He isn’t one to go out to a nice dinner. He is a chill at home, have a great dinner, smoke a joint and talk and relax and chill. Right now, that sounds divine. But how is this going to keep me motivated to work and work hard? I need to be putting in about 50 hours a week. I am barely hitting 35. I need to be finding new business, going to more networking, being in front of people and he isn’t THAT kind of guy. Do I need THAT kind of guy? Do I prefer to have a quiet oasis at home?

Will he be able to let me run and push forward without his ego being hurt or pinched? How do we reconcile the income disparity? He won’t be taking care of me in the monetary sense. Am I OK with that? Is he OK with that? Will money become an issue? It usually is in relationships. Here is a guy that has had a tough life – the upbringing, losing everything – are we compatible? When will money become a problem? Can I lower my standard of living? No, not really. I enjoy and depend on my housekeeper, my beauty upkeep, my nice clothes, dinners, lunches, car.

I sit here awash in emotions and tears. Not really sad, but afraid to be happy. Does that make sense? Where is this going to go wrong? How will this get fucked up? Can I really let go and allow myself to fall hopelessly and madly in love? Should I with this guy? I am afraid of being hurt, just like he is. He is very open about his fear of being hurt. I guess I should be that open as well. Plus, as we all know, Maggie cries over just about anything. In any case, I have found myself several times this week on the verge of telling a story of my past, but I can feel the tears building, so I move off that subject and on to one that is safer. One that won’t make me cry in front of him. I’m not ready for that.

I think some of this swell of emotion is fear. I saw my mother make horrible choices in men her entire adult life. My dad, who I have a great relationship, was not her type at all. After their divorce, she chose one alcoholic after another. Her last, my stepfather, was a doozy and I think she kept him for the sex. When he died, he left her with an $80,000 IRS tax lien. I don’t think sex is worth that. So I guess in the back of my mind, I am afraid that I will continue to repeat her mistakes and/or the mistakes of my misspent youth where I also chose the wrong guys. How can I be sure that I don’t do that?

He has told his son about us. I have told basically no one but my blog readers. I am not ready. He laughed and said that women don’t like to talk about who they are with because when they tell their girlfriends they are having amazing sex, the girlfriends make a play for the guy. That’s not my case. I am just not ready and I think he is asking to see if I am embarrassed about him. It’s not that either. I am just not ready. I keep talking about creating some space so we have time to flesh out this thing we have. Perhaps I am just trying to create some space for me to ponder the whole situation without a lot of static or interference from the outside world. Is it a true exclusive relationship? Is it just a FWB (I think that is ruled out)? Is it true adult dating that will move into an exclusive relationship?

Today I have more questions than answers. A lot of questions. I need to be patient and give this all time to sort itself out. My concern is the rapid pace in which we are moving. Will I get my answers before becoming so entangled that an exit strategy is difficult? My position for now is that I want to keep an open mind and open communication. I want to have a mature relationship based on trust, mutual respect and admiration. There is little about the Hunter that sends up red flags other than he leaves the toilet seat up. I find him to be very open-minded.

And as for the sex…dear readers, I have wandered into uncharted waters and it has been amazing. More on that next time.

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