"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for February, 2015

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink

My head hurts, my feet stink, and I don’t love Jesus.
It’s that kind of mornin’,
really was that kind of night.
Tryin’ to tell myself that my
condition is improvin’ and if I don’t
die by Thursday I’ll be roarin’ Friday night.

Jimmy Buffet

Another kerfuffle has occurred with the Hunter and it makes me wonder if this is all me or if he is secretly a drama king as well. We are in the middle of it and by the time you read this, it could all be water under the bridge. As it stands right now, he’s mad, I’m sad and my Friday night will be spent with my dog, cat and take-out.

I had plans on Thursday night to go to a fund-raising event with a lacrosse booster club I ran for a couple of years. The Hunter was fine with it and all was well. The day before the event, my girlfriend invited me to be her plus one at a business dinner with some men that would be good contacts for me as well. I readily switch my plans and inform the Hunter accordingly. He’s fine with it…seemingly.

Dinner went a little sideways. The main guy’s flight was late, so dinner got pushed back an hour, so my girlfriend and I drank a bottle of wine at the bar waiting. Then we had dinner (and the portions were tiny) and another glass of wine…..yep, Maggie got drunk again. Not too bad and I got home safely. The next morning I have a hangover of epic proportions and really just want to hunker under the covers. I think wine plus a dessert gave me a sugar overload. After some coffee, some toast and some puking, I get a text from the Hunter. Usually he calls me around 6 am (yes, and I like the call – it’s nice to wake up to his voice), but today he didn’t. Part of me in my hangover haze thought that I should text him, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anybody, so I didn’t. That was a mistake.

When he did text me, “This silence from you is not a good sign.” I confess to being sick and he replies that it sounds like a hangover and he tells me he hopes I feel better. Damn, I can’t get away with anything with this guy. He calls me during his lunch and tells me once again I have disappointed him and he is having trust issues with me. My drunken evening doesn’t respect our relationship. Really?

We had a longer conversation after work and I am mulling it all over because let’s face it; both of us have had a dysfunctional relationships in the past, so who knows who is right? He has spent a number of years alone coming to terms with himself and changing. I have had less than two years and I am truly an active work in progress.

I don’t know. I have come to the realization as I walked the dog, that my life has been a series of shitty relationships. From my parents, to my boyfriends, to my husband — I was never truly unconditionally loved for who I was. Funny, as I write this, I realize that the Hunter in his own way, is making his love conditional. That’s not a good thing. I think that in his own way, he’s afraid also and puts up his own barriers as we move deeper into this relationship. But back to me, because obviously I want to write about me and my thoughts.

Here I am at 50 years of age, trying to understand what a truly good, strong relationship looks like. I put this article about signs of a good relationship up on my Facebook page this afternoon and the Hunter immediately pounced on it. He asked me why I put it up and I told him because I thought it showed what we have right now.

I am tapped out today. This week has been a whirlwind of deadlines, missed deadlines, over-promising and under-delivering, fighting with clients, and just general mayhem. Perhaps that’s why I drank too much last night. In any case, this relationship business is a lot of work. I actually have to think about the other person? Am I ready for that? I like to think so, but perhaps my actions are speaking louder than my words.

He just called and is headed down to chat face-to-face. I prefer that. He has warned me to keep my hands to myself. I wonder if he’s serious or secretly hopeful that I pounce on him. I told him I would behave. I look like shit. Lovely.

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I Got You (I Feel Good)

Wo! I feel good, I knew that I wouldn’t of
I feel good, I knew that I wouldn’t of
So good, so good, I got you

Wo! I feel nice, like sugar and spice
I feel nice, like sugar and spice
So nice, so nice, I got you

When I hold you in my arms
I know that I can do no wrong
and when I hold you in my arms
My love won’t do you no harm

James Brown

My last post ended with a cliffhanger of a post-breakup dinner with the Hunter to see if we could patch things up. The comment section tells you the answer – yes, we did patch things up and I feel even better about our relationship. I’m not sooo scared of what is happening.

On Wednesday, we had a heart-to-heart talk over dinner. We got everything out in the open. He asked questions about what actually did occur on Sunday at the festival. It was a good conversation and he requested a new rule with me – when I am out with the girls/friends, I must turn off my phone. Hey, I am all about censorship in this instance and agreed readily. Drunk texting has never done me any favors.

The air is cleared between us with some caveats that I need to stop sabotaging things, we need to go on some out-of-the-house dates (that’s mine) and just general candid conversation. I think both of us were pleasantly surprised that this entire hour long conversation had no raised voices, no short tempers – it was very calm, mature, measured, and thoughtful. I for one was incredibly pleased and relieved since any of these types of conversations with the ex ended up with me in tears, him screaming – ugh. Just all very unpleasant.

Now that relationship business is out of the way, he scooped me up and we hit the bedroom…hard. The sex was outstanding. For him, it was the best yet. The Hunter has got some serious game and is a tremendous amount of fun. He asked me if I wanted angry make-up sex or sweet loving make-up sex. How many guys would think to ask you that? He did, so we decide to try both and see which we prefer. It was awesome. Absolutely awesome.

On Thursday I had a work cocktail event, so with the lesson learned about not having him come over later (makes me feel pressured, like I have a curfew), we didn’t get see each other until Friday. He brought a great take-out dinner over and we had the MOST romantic evening. We turned off the lights, fired up some candles, we drank some wine, I have soft music playing. It was wonderful. We ended up dancing after dinner. It was just a great sensual evening. The sex was once again amazing.

The Hunter is really into me. He tells me all the time and he is dropping the L-word into conversation. “I feel a lot of love for you in my heart.” He’s patient. He says it and then gives me time to digest this.

We all know that I am concerned about the income disparity between us. He is too and on Friday in the midst of our romantic evening, we had yet another serious conversation about this. He brought it up. He told me that he knows that he needs to step it up in order to keep me, and he has ideas on how to go about that. The Hunter knows that he will eventually be meeting people in my world and knows that his current job doesn’t cut it. That makes him nervous about meeting my people. This became evident on Saturday night.

On Saturday, there was a jazz concert nearby that I really wanted to go see. It was Brazilian jazz that I was introduced to by my ex. Yes, it is a bit weird to take the current guy to listen to music related to the former, but whatever, it worked out fine. The concert was great. We smuggled in a bottle of wine. He was actually a bit nervous that perhaps we would meet friends of mine. We didn’t and he relaxed.

At this moment, I am happy. I am happy with him and I am putting aside my concerns for now because in the light of day they seem more like excuses than reasons founded in substance. We shall see where this part of my journey goes, but for now I am walking through the woods with the Hunter and I feel safe and secure.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Darlin’ you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I’ll be here ’til the end of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

It’s always tease tease tease
You’re happy when I’m on my knees
One day is fine and next is black
So if you want me off your back
Well come on an’ let me know
Should I Stay or should I go?

The Clash

The Hunter broke up with me on Tuesday in the middle of a very chaotic day for me. I am speeding along a freeway at breakneck speed from one failed appointment to a huge luncheon. I have told him that my day is crazy yet he wants to have a serious discussion about our relationship. I struggle to give him the attention and time that such a conversation deserves, and my answers were honest, but I repeatedly mentioned that I needed more time to think things through. The discussion mainly revolved around my level of commitment and his anxiety that I would end up cheating on him.

So he broke up with me on the phone followed by a break-up text. WTF. Really? Right before I walk into a luncheon with 80 of my peers. My luncheon was followed by a series of meetings with a new client so my brain had to be in full work mode for the rest of the day.
Here’s his break-up text:

Maggie, I don’t think words can describe what I’m feeling now. I think it’s best if we go our separate ways. I enjoyed your company and I want to remember you in a positive way. Please respect my privacy. Take care!

I respond with:

I am hurting but I also completely understand your feelings in this. From the beginning I have been concerned that I would hurt you. I can’t talk or deal with this right now due to work, but I’m upset for many reasons.

By the end of my day, I was done. Done and ready to get my pipeline back in action. Oh yeah, I continued my shitty ways. I was downtown, so I meet up with two girlfriends and I text BG, who comes running. I end up fucking BG in a nearby hotel where I spent the night there while he returned home. Not my finest moment. I laid in bed beside BG and thought that sex with the Hunter was superlatively better. I was very quiet post-coitus. I compared and contrasted the two guys with the Hunter coming out on top in some things and BG winning in a few ways, but at the end of the day, the Hunter had more points. Fuck, what am I doing?

As I get up, put my suit back on so I can slide home through the commuters, I get a text from the Hunter. Are you kidding me?

Good morning, Maggie. I decided to contact you to just say a few things. I racked my brain trying to make sense of what’s happened between us. I’m still wondering what the heck happened!! Believe me or not I’m still very much in your grip, and find myself thinking of you quite often. As much as I would love to be a happy couple together, I am not sure you feel the same. You said yesterday you were “hurting for many reasons” this reminded me of my own struggles and how I dealt with them. I hope you find the answers you need and find some comfort with yourself. I will miss holding you, kissing you and expressing my affection for you. I will also miss seeing your name on my phone when you call and hearing my voice. These were things that kept me happy. Take care of yourself and be good. Hunter

Then he texts me a photo of a rose followed with this:

I really miss you Maggie. I know I’ll eventually move on but I do really miss you.

My phone rings. It’s the Hunter. Now I am starting to get a bit annoyed with the drama. Seriously, this is becoming drama-filled and I want no part of that. I tell him that there are to be no more texts and no more phone calls. We are going to sit down and discuss this like adults tonight over dinner. That happens tonight. He arrives in 15 minutes. Shit is about to get real.

All Star

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed
She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an “L” on her forehead

Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
Didn’t make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

Smash Mouth

What a confusing Valentines weekend. It was a weekend of excess and gluttony. It included mind-blowing sex — endless amounts until my body said no more. I haven’t smoked this much pot since college and Sober January is long forgotten. It also included me being a shitty person, the Hunter having his immature (and unrelated to my shittiness) moment and the whole weekend ending on a sour note.

He has clearly told me how mad he is at me (without yelling and in a mature, calm manner) and I have humbly apologized because he is right. I was a complete shit. I am still thinking about what I did and figuring out the why’s behind it. We will get to some of that in this post. He is working through his feelings as well. So what the heck happened?

The Hunter comes over on Friday and we haven’t seen each other for about three days. We are jonesing for each other, so expectations for the evening are running high for both of us. It was awesome. Dinner was great, the wine was flowing, he had just bought some amazing pot and we got completely stoned. Pot makes me incredibly horny, so let the games begin. And they did. The sex was fantastic.

Saturday morning comes and we did too. Then the Hunter climbs out of bed early and leaves for about an hour to run a quick errand. He brings me fresh picked strawberries and flowers –he had picked them both for me. How amazingly sweet and romantic. I have never had a man do such a thoughtful thing. We have a great breakfast and basically the day was spent hanging out, fucking, eating, watching a little TV and repeating. We smoked some more pot, so I was relaxed and enjoying the buzz. It was really just a great, chill, relaxing time. Then Sunday rolled around and things started unraveling…

On Sunday morning, the Hunter has his first performance issue. He can’t stay hard. Let’s face it, he’s 47 and we have been going at it like rabbits for over 24 hours. I am not at all surprised; however, I think this is a first for him. After a couple of misfires, he gets out of bed, pulls on his pants and retreats downstairs without a word. I give him 5 minutes and get dressed so I can walk my dog. He is lying on the couch and non-responsive when I tell him I’m walking the dog. Oh boy. When I get back, he is dressed with his backpack by the front door. He’s leaving.

Hold on, cowboy. I gently ask him what is he doing? He basically tells me that he can’t satisfy me, so we need to break up. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I talk him off the window ledge and get him to sit down and have some coffee. He calms down, relaxes and about two hours later fucks me and cums. I am duly noting that he does have a bit of a drama king in him. That’s his immature moment. I, of course, managed to easily top his moment with my idiotic stunt.

Prior to the weekend, I had made plans to go to a festival with two of my girlfriends on Sunday afternoon. I invited the Hunter, but he had no interest. He was fine with me going because he usually spends Sunday afternoon with his family. So after our morning interlude, I pull out my phone and confirm my plans with my girlfriends. Then I made my first mistake.

First mistake: we made plans for him to come back over to my place for dinner. In hindsight, this was a horrible idea because it gave me a curfew/deadline to end girlfriend fun time. Apparently I am not ready for a relationship to give me many constraints.

My afternoon of girl fun went slightly out of control. In retrospect, it reminded me of the few moments of freedom I would get during my marriage and I would go all out, suck every ounce of fun out of those moments and over-play my hand which landed me in trouble with my husband. Fast forward to Valentines weekend and I did it again. Same pattern. Why did it happen? Not enough freedom perhaps? Perhaps I am not ready for such an intense relationship? Perhaps I need more space?

By now you are reading this and screaming, “Give us the damn details, Maggie. What the hell did you do?” OK, OK, I’ll tell you and I realize this is not one of my finer moments.

I arrive at my girlfriend’s place and we make ourselves a nice double vodka and cranberry so we can walk around the festival properly lubricated. As we are walking around, I toss that one back and get a second double. Then I get a text from BG, “Just saw you walking by.” WTF. If he’s here, then he’s with his wife. My head is now on a swivel and I’m looking for him. BG and I begin texting about where we each are. Meanwhile my other girlfriend shows up with a guy friend and we continue to enjoy the festival. I get a third double vodka….and drunk text the Hunter. For reasons outside the realm of my sober brain’s understanding, in a series of texts I tell him that BG is at the event. I also tell him that I’m buzzed and wouldn’t he like to give me a ride home. Oh yes, my immaturity and stupidity are at an all-time high. Perhaps I should consider sober February, March, April…. He cancels our evening plans. After realizing my texts were ill-advised, I stopped both texting and drinking, but I obliviously enjoy the rest of the afternoon and evening with my friends because now I have no curfew. Hooray.

On my way home that evening, I talk to him. I realize the stupidity of my drunk texting and I apologize. I sincerely, without any excuses, apologize. I don’t think he was fully prepared for me to fully own up to my shitty behavior, but I did. Sometimes I can behave like an adult, other times I’m amazingly immature. I have been reflecting on why I would do such a stupid and thoughtless thing to a guy who has been nothing but nice to me. Perhaps I am testing him? Perhaps I am sabotaging the relationship on purpose? Who knows and both the Hunter and I are still sorting this out. For a woman who doesn’t like drama, I sure know how to create it. My next post will be about the aftermath of all this.

Hot N Cold

Cause you’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in then you’re out
You’re up then you’re down
You’re wrong when it’s right
It’s black and it’s white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you) You don’t really wanna stay, no
(you) But you don’t really wanna go-o
You’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in then you’re out
You’re up then you’re down

Katy Perry

If you read my notes from the past week, you would think that I have multiple personalities, particularly when it comes to the Hunter. Over the weekend, I did a shitty thing to the Hunter and now am grappling with what I did and why I did it. As usual, I am getting ahead of myself, but this is the place where I sort out my thoughts and attempt to coalesce them into some semblance of understanding.

My last post was about mind-blowing sex with the Hunter. Yes, the sex continues to be mind-blowing and he has finally fucked me enough that I am marginally sated. He gets bonus points for determination and stamina there. But, dear readers, when I wrote the last post, I was already mulling over the things that were bothering me.

Last weekend (not Valentines) he gave me a couple of pauses. Moments when I thought that I was being played or manipulated more than I recognized. I came out the other side of that weekend very unsure about whether the relationship would continue much longer. My advice gurus had opposing views. My male perspective suggested dumping the Hunter immediately. Why delay the inevitable?

My girlfriend had another point of view. Since there aren’t any viable candidates on board, why not continue to date him for a couple of months, until my luster in his eyes has worn off? If he starts getting more interested and wanting more commitment, than I raise the bar of my expectations. We all know that he is dealing with our income and social disparity. She suggests that I can just keep asking for more until he has had enough and opts out. Yes, my girlfriend’s solution seems like a cynical choice, but what if I raise the bar and he meets it? Than I’ve got a viable guy.

The Hunter comes over last Tuesday night and it is a great evening. We enjoy each other’s company, sex is great and I am lying wrapped up in his strong arms for the night. I begin to cry. I silently cry because I am happy. I am thoroughly enjoying his affection. The next day I write him the following:

I’m scared. I’m afraid of being hurt or of somehow hurting you. This seems to be moving fast yet it feels so good. Perhaps that’s why I’m afraid.

You have been nothing but honest and have wooed me with sincerity. Perhaps I still have doubts that I am worthy. I feel like I stammer and get flustered with the enormity of raw emotion you give me. I love it, don’t get me wrong, but I’m afraid to relax and embrace it. It overwhelms me at times.

But when you wrap your arms around me, whisper in my ear with your sexy voice, look me in the eye and listen, really listen to me, well, I melt and relax a little more. On Sunday after such a beautiful time together I tried to think of how you were wrong for me, what reason did I have to cut you lose. I failed. You have never given me a reason. So when you came over on Tuesday, I found myself easing up. I wanted to take care of you. I wanted you in my bed. I found myself awash in tears as I lay in your arms. I felt safe and loved. It overwhelms me.

So please be patient with me. I will be an idiot at times as I stumble along and try to appreciate all that you are offering. I will also have my moments when I need my quiet and privacy to reflect and recharge. But for now I’m yours.

I did not give that note to the Hunter and I did not see him for the rest of the week. He had a bad cold and I was completely over-stressed due to work issues. Our next encounter was Friday the 13th. It began an absolutely fabulous weekend, until I was an absolute shit and treated the Hunter horribly. I’ll tell you about that next.

Your Body is a Wonderland

We got the afternoon
You got this room for two
One thing I’ve left to do
Discover me
Discovering you

One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue

And if you want love
We’ll make it
Swim in a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break ’em
This is bound to be a while

Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I’ll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland

John Mayer

Amazing sex – I can see why people can lose their minds and throw caution to the wind. I have been insatiable for over a week and now I am finally slowly coming down from a constant state of hormonal overload. Don’t get me wrong, I still have aches of arousal that can hit with the smallest trigger, but my head is beginning to clear a tiny bit. My body, on the other hand, is a wreck. I have bruises everywhere – on my legs, my shoulders, my neck, the chest area above my boobs. When I went to get a Brazilian wax, my technician looked at my inner legs and first cried out, “Baby, what happened? “ Then she immediately said, “Are these love bites?” When I acknowledged that they were, her reply was, “You go, mama.” I love my waxing salon. The girls are so cool there. I am sure I was the talk of the day, but I routinely provide fodder for their gossip so that’s no surprise.

My privates today says “Uncle” and I feel like it may be at the beginning stages of a UTI so I am drinking tons of water to flush things. My lower back has relapsed into its spasms that comes out from my glutes in my butt, so I have to resort to a foam roller and lacrosse ball to work out the kinks. I guess I have to admit that I am not a young kid anymore and at 50, I need some warm-up exercises prior to these marathon sex sessions.

Now that you know the ravaged landscape resulting from sex with the Hunter, let’s discuss the actual sex. When ranking guys I have slept with, he is at the top of the list. The very top – the Number 1 slot. That will probably create a plethora of problems later down the road, but that discussion is for another post. Let’s talk about fucking amazing blow-my-mind sex. The Hunter is a guy who will focus on seeing how many times and ways he can make me cum. His mental game is exceptional as well. The Hunter gets inside my head with his whispers about what he will do to me, what he is doing to me, what he did to me. He murmurs compliments in his sexy voice about how amazing I am, which of course gives me the confidence and courage to try something new as well as relaxing me to enjoy it all. He knows that sex is more mental than physical many times with women, so he is just as attentive with the mental aspect as he is with the physical. Crap, am I in trouble or what?

Of course, you all want specifics about what’s happening in the bedroom. Friday is perhaps a good example. He came over after work and brought dinner, which he cooked. I got to sit at my kitchen counter and watch him in the kitchen. A man who cooks and cooks well is a turn on for me because it’s a novelty for me. He pours me a glass of wine, we have a great steak dinner and then go outside and smoke some pot. My belly is full and I have a great buzz going, so I am relaxed and our conversation is just flowing. We are sitting next to each other, so he pulls me close and holds me. He begins to tell me in his low, sexy voice how much he enjoys being with me, how amazing our sex is and he kisses me. The mental game has begun.

When we get upstairs to the bedroom, he slowly peels off my clothes and takes his time. The foreplay is gentle and he has learned all my arousal buttons, so he plays them all. He will go down on me and he tells me how much he loves the taste of me. He’ll dip his fingers in and have me taste them. He knows that my nipples are directly connected to my vagina, so he will gently twist them and cause an electric shock to ride down my body into my pussy. I have already begun to writhe and this nipple play only increases my hip gyration and my moans. He wants me to beg for his dick and I willingly do so. He has taught me a wonderfully dirty phrase in Spanish that basically means that his dick is amazing. I whisper that in his ear. He chuckles at this gringa saying nasty things in Spanish, which of course is a turn-on for him.

He begins to fuck me. Our favorite positions are variations from behind. Sideways, doggy-style and then his favorite – me on my stomach with my legs closed. But we cover missionary and other variations as well. There is always a variety of positions every time. He likes to see what I respond to the most. He fingers me, puts a finger in my arse. We put my butt plug in my arse and he fucked me then. That felt great. He used my smaller vibrator in a variety of ways during different sessions. For the first hour or so, it is primarily about me. Making sure that I cum and cum multiple times. Oh I make sure that he is satisfied as well. We will do a 69 or I will just give him a blow job, but his main attention at the beginning is me. Once he cums, we take a break. The second round becomes more about him….

Once again, his mental game is outstanding. Once he knows that I am temporarily sated and have cum several times, it is his turn. He tells me what he wants. He loves anal…done to him. We used my butt plug on him and I use the vibrator on it to increase the sensation in his ass. He loved that. Then I give him a blow job and eat his ass. But his favorite is for me to finger fuck him in the ass. With one finger and then moving to two. Interesting. I have never finger fucked a guy much less rimmed him. I am learning. What he knows and I am learning, is that when you see how turned on your partner gets when you are doing things to them that gets them off, you enjoy it as well. I love seeing the power I have over him during these sessions because I see how turned on he gets. I have ideas on how to increase his pleasure. He wants a strap-on. Unbeknownst to him, I want to get him a Fleshlight. His fantasy talk is a threesome so he can fuck someone while he is being fucked in the ass. He doesn’t want a third in the bedroom anytime soon because he wisely knows that it could get weird, but this is his fantasy. I think a Fleshlight could do the trick.

We take another break. He gets me a glass of water. He has said that it’s the little considerate things that a woman appreciates. Like getting a glass of water for her even though she hasn’t asked, but he knows she probably wants one. Yep, he’s good. We relax, perhaps smoke some more pot or have a glass of wine. We talk, snuggle and intermittently just enjoy the night in companionable silence.

The third session is my reward for good performance on him. Now that I am loosened up and relaxed, he begins pushing on my limits to see where he can go. I love a finger in my ass, but I haven’t gotten into anal principally because when I tried it in my youth, I had young, impatient men who forced things along too quickly. The Hunter is patient. He is gently getting me ready and we spend some time on ass play. I am enjoying it. He mixes it up with other things so I am a writhing, aroused, screaming mess of orgasms. He hasn’t fully penetrated me anally yet, but he’s patient. By the time we wrap up the third session during which he may or may not cum, I am a whimpering puddle of sated woman. He pulls me close and tells me how outstanding I am, how happy I make him and other sweet nothings that lovers whisper. We sleep wrapped together.

Now can you see my dilemma? How do I slow this bullet train down so I can think about things and I do have things to think about? I’ll write another post about what I am thinking about, clues he has given me and other ramblings in my mind. But for now, just know that the sex is amazing.

RE-POST: 11 Things That Make a Man Hot

Sorry, no song because I just wanted to get this up quickly. I came across this on my Facebook feed. GREAT article. Enjoy!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/erica-jagger/things-that-make-a-man-hot_b_6546886.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

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