"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Respect

What you want
Baby, I got it
What you need
You know I got it
All I’m askin’
Is for a little respect when you get home (just a little bit)
Hey baby (just a little bit) when you get home
(just a little bit) mister (just a little bit)

I ain’t gonna do you wrong while you’re gone
Ain’t gonna do you wrong cause I don’t wanna
All I’m askin’
Is for a little respect when you come home (just a little bit)
Baby (just a little bit) when you get home (just a little bit)
Yeah (just a little bit)

Aretha Franklin

After I spew emotions and get all down in the dumps, who pops up mid-morning today? Yep, Don Juan. We have the following exchange.

DJ: Happy New Year. Are you back in town?
MM: Yes – how about you?
DJ: Yes. Came back directly to X (his other home). Will be back in Y (my city) on the 16th. It’s freezing here. Miss you.
MM: Ahhh. I miss you too. It’s been too long.
DJ: I know.
MM: Did you get my email to your Hotmail? (Oh yes, I completely set him up on this one)
DJ: Very sweet, thank you.
MM: Shame on you – no messages back?!  I was starting to wonder….. (Gotcha!)
Next MM text after giving him a minute to digest the above:
But I’m looking forward to seeing you when you return. I hope all is well & I look forward to catching up.
DJ: I apologize. Hope all is well for you too. I had the best time, we’ll catch up when I get back.
MM: Perfect – sounds great. I’ve had a busy holiday and it was a great time with my kids. All is warm and lovely down here.
DJ: OK

So a friend (and dating coach) is telling me I should be more than hurt, I should be pissed. A basic level of communication shouldn’t need to be explained as an expectation. That struck a chord. I am allowing myself to be stepped on because I don’t want to rock the boat. I take pride in not causing drama, but here I sit being hurt and I need to stand up for myself. It falls back to my reluctance to confront men because of my ex’s strong backlash when I would do so. Note: I’m not saying it’s my ex’s fault; I just need to change my conditioned response – the only part that is my fault is not speaking up.

Now I have to think. His mea culpa needs to be stronger communication between now and his return. I need to explain to him how hurt and disregarded I felt. Push him to treat me better. If he wants to be with me, he should want to make me happy and do better, but I also don’t want to be a burden. I feel like it’s a fine line when actually it shouldn’t be a fine line. He should want to please me and want me happy. So I need to tell him that this has made me unhappy and what he needs to do to keep me and keep me content. Mature adults behave this way and I am a mature adult, ergo I need to use my words.

So what would make me happy and redeem himself?
• One to two texts and/or calls per day between now and his return. Not an obligatory check-in, but a 5-10 minute exchange;
• When he does return, a nice dinner so we can sit and talk about everything that happened during this separation.
• Going forward, reach out to me every couple of days. BG has it down pat. He either calls or texts within every 2 days, 3 days at the outside. It’s easy, quick and less than 15 minutes. As a matter of fact, I just got off the phone with BG while he was driving home.  We had a good laugh and reconnected. Don Juan could take a page from BG.

And what if he doesn’t want to do this? Is that a deal-killer for me? I think it may need to be. This whole lack of communication made me batshit crazy and I don’t need that in my life. I have plenty going on without an emotional rollercoaster of wondering what the hell is going on with Don Juan.

Now, what’s the best way for me to communicate this to him? I’m thinking email since he OBVIOUSLY is getting my emails and what I have to say is too long for a text.  Email with perhaps a text alert to check his email. I don’t think I can do the initial confrontation by phone. The written word will best convey my thoughts without me getting tongue-tied and emotional.

So as I continue on my journey, here is another lesson that I am learning. I am worthy and deserve respect, so I need to speak up for myself if I’m not getting respect.  To that end, basic communication is a sign of respect and regard, so it is not an unreasonable expectation. Of course, before I can shoot out my message he texts me again. Sigh. People…..

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Comments on: "Respect" (9)

  1. Love this song!
    Right, this said, considering you have a relationship with the guy already, more or less, you need to explain to him (and to yourself) what your expectations are. And figure out when you are willing to let him go when they aren’t met. It is hard to learn to stand up for oneself when we have been programmed to do the opposite for so long! But we’ll get there, I’m sure 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Completely agree that given the relationship you have you should say what you want and need. Hopefully he can be responsive to that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You nailed it! It’s all about respect. For you as a person, a passionate woman, and a lover. He needs to take responsibility for what it means for a “relationship”. He’s been too much of a good-time Charlie.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. […] grief, this week has been such a mind fuck with regards to my love life. I had the whole feeling neglected by Don Juan drama at the beginning. Yes, I have a follow up to what happened with my email to him and his response. […]

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  5. […] following along this past week, you’ll know that I have been wrestling with my relationship and communication with Don Juan. As an aside, if 2015 is going to continue like the past week, my resolve of a Sober […]

    Like

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