"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for January, 2015

I’m Back in the Saddle Again

I’m back
I’m back in the saddle again
I’m back
I’m back in the saddle again

Aerosmith

This post could also be entitled: Don Juan – Now you see him, now you don’t.

Don Juan arrived back in town and we made plans for a nice dinner on Tuesday. However, he arrived in town really sick with a fever, so he cancelled. I was very disappointed, actually pissed off, because I waited all day (meaning incommunicado in order to push him to initiate) and then he cancelled at 6:30. My girlfriend was more forgiving than I because she thought the last minute cancellation signaled that he was trying to keep our date up until the last minute. Even though I had just gotten out of the shower, I promptly went to the gym and for a non-runner, I tore through 3 miles in less than 40 minutes which included a 5 minute warm up. Yes, I know that illness is a valid excuse and not something that he can control, but I was annoyed.

We re-scheduled for Thursday night, but he warns me that he still isn’t up to speed. He asked if we could just get some take-out and have a quiet dinner at my place. That was fine, and I actually made dinner because, well, I felt like being nice. He arrives on time and empty handed. First strike. Seriously, you haven’t seen me in about two months and I am cooking dinner for you. You walk in with…nothing but a smile on your face? Grab some flowers and make an effort.

It was a very good dinner. I heard all about his trip, the wedding, the holiday because I asked. We talked about the book he had recommended and I had read. The conversation flowed. One thing he talked about a lot was the Family Constellation that they did the night before the wedding. Oh boy, if you aren’t familiar with them, get ready for some trippy New Age stuff. I have a pretty interesting and busy life, but his trip topped my life completely. From the sounds of it, he had an incredible time with his family. Kudos to him.

After dinner, we sat on the couch and talked some more. He began talking about his 2015 goals of more outdoor exercise. He wants to do more biking, swimming and running (the latter depends on his knees holding up). Then he tells me that he will be traveling a lot with more time spent in his second home and his home country. As a matter of fact, he flew out on Friday back to his home country for 10 days.

I asked him jokingly where we are going. He told me that I am impatient. He said it gently, and I told him that I am working on that, however, I need to have my expectations managed better. He stayed about two hours, but we had no sex, nothing. He didn’t want to get me sick. I could see that he was running out of steam. When he was leaving, he held me tight. We just stood in a long embrace. I snuggled under his chin. He held me close. And that was it.

He left and I sat down thinking, “What the fuck?!” My immediate reaction was to realize that I am an insignificant part of his life. I felt marginalized, compartmentalized. I was incredibly sad and confused. At first, I didn’t know what to think. I was at a complete loss for words, so I just sat down and wrote down all my random thoughts and feelings about the evening in an effort to sort things out.

I have been mulling this over and reflecting with friends since Thursday night. One astute friend nailed it. Don Juan is an “in the moment” guy. He enjoys the connection in that moment and then he’s off to something else. I had my awakening while he was gone and his feeling that he doesn’t have to communicate with me if he’s with his family. That’s a wakeup call if ever there was one. He has no plans to change his communication style.

I need to forget him. I need to move forward with my life and let him fit in if possible. I can’t wait. I can’t be in limbo. He moves to the bottom of the pile. If he surfaces and I want to fuck him, great. But otherwise, I must let go. This can’t continue with me waiting. His plans will be in a constant flux due to work. I am done being the one chasing. I deserve better.

Once again I feel like I am the hopeless romantic with over-sized expectations. But I also realize that this experience is part of the process. It keeps things in perspective and I must learn these lessons. It’s the only way I’ll grow.

My high-school guy friend summed it up, “Dang. Well, you are hot enough and savvy enough to restock.”

From Don Juan I have learned that I want and deserve to be is Number #1. In all these situations with married men, I am a sidebar, a diversion. I want to be front and center. I need to recognize what someone else told me, “There is a world of men out there dying to be close to someone like you.” I need to continue my journey and put myself in situations so those guys can find me.

Everybody Needs Somebody to Love

I’m so glad to be here tonight and I’m so glad to be home. And I believe I’ve got a message for every woman and every man here tonight that ever needed somebody to love. Someone to stay with them all the time, when they’re up and when they’re down. You know, sometimes you get what you want, and then you go and lose what you have. And I believe every woman and every man here tonight listen to my song and it save the whole world. Listen to me.

Everybody wants somebody
Everybody wants somebody to love
Someone to love
Someone to kiss
Sometime to miss, now
Someone to squeeze
Someone to please

Solomon Burke

What a difference a year makes. Recently I hung out with one of my best girlfriends, L. She and I have a lot in common. We are in the same business, both single, about the same age, have an empty nest. L was a great support to me before, during and after I moved out. We were at a really cool and fun festival and we realized that we had done the same festival last year as well. That got us to thinking about all the changes each of us has undergone in the past year.

Last year L was on a third date with a guy she had met online. Today they are engaged and she will be marrying and moving in with him within a couple of months. I am so happy for L. She had a really crappy first marriage. Now she has a wonderful man in her life and she is experiencing what a normal relationship is all about. She is finally allowing herself to be truly happy and relaxed in the relationship. They don’t have serious disagreements and any minor squabbles are rapidly dispensed with. Her man is older and approaching retirement, but he has the money and ability to travel the world. He specifically sought out a traveling companion and soul mate. Her future is bright and she deserves this bounty of joy.

In comparison, last year I was moving through my first round of holidays post-separation and was a bit bitter. I was having no luck dating and was trying to figure out this single life gig. Fast forward to today and I’m more comfortable with my life. My dating life has gotten dramatically better mainly due to Don Juan and BG providing a sexual outlet for me so I’m not so damn needy. I am much more confident in my sexuality and my body continues to get healthier. My relationship with my ex has settled down and we are more at ease with each other when we are together.

L and I discussed my current pipeline of men. Yes, she knows that Don Juan and BG are married. We discussed The Hunter as well. I finally verbalized what has been floating around in the back of my mind the past couple of weeks. These guys are in no way my end game. They are not what I have in mind for any type of LTR. They are practice – foreplay if you will. These guys are part of my journey because they each have something to teach me. It will be interesting to see all the lessons I gain from them. I just need to be careful that I don’t fill all of my time with them because it doesn’t leave me the space necessary to find Mr. Right. For now, though, I’m perhaps not ready for Mr. Right, so let’s continue to enjoy the foreplay.

How To Save A Life

Leelah

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him her know that you know best
‘Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his her defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him her all along
Pray to God, he she hears you
And I pray to God, he she hears you

The Fray

The LGBT community was rocked over the holidays by the tragic suicide of Leelah Alcorn, a transgender youth who had been suffering from severe depression resulting from her family’s rejection of her transgender identity.  Dan Savage had an epic rant on a recent podcast.  This is such a tragic story.

Studies, that are recognized by the CDC and other national medical organizations, show that LGB youth are 4 times more likely to attempt suicide as their straight peers. But it is far worse for transgender youth. Nearly half of young transgender people have seriously thought about taking their lives, and 25% report having made a suicide attempt.  Overall, LGB youth who come from highly rejecting families are 8.4 times as likely to have attempted suicide as LGB peers who reported no or low levels of family rejection.  40% of homeless kids are LGBT, yet they make up less than 10% of our youth. This is a national crisis.

I am a mom and it breaks my heart to see this bright, beautiful child rejected by her family.  Please love and support LGBT youth no matter what. Leelah’s suicide is so tragic and heart-breaking.  Here is the entire December 31, 2014 Slate article by J. Bryan Lowder.

The LGBTQ community is exiting 2014 on a tragic note with the death of Leelah Alcorn, a 17-year-old transgender teen from Ohio who, according to reports, committed suicide early Sunday morning. Alcorn’s passing has become an international story due to the public nature of the event—she was struck by a tractor-trailer on the interstate—and to an eloquent Tumblr post that she had scheduled to go live in the event of her death. In her post, Alcorn speaks of her Christian parents’ refusal to accept her trans identity and her sense that life could not get better if she had to wait to transition any longer.

Here are Alcorn’s final words, in full:

If you are reading this, it means that I have committed suicide and obviously failed to delete this post from my queue.

Please don’t be sad, it’s for the better. The life I would’ve lived isn’t worth living in … because I’m transgender. I could go into detail explaining why I feel that way, but this note is probably going to be lengthy enough as it is. To put it simply, I feel like a girl trapped in a boy’s body, and I’ve felt that way ever since I was 4. I never knew there was a word for that feeling, nor was it possible for a boy to become a girl, so I never told anyone and I just continued to do traditionally “boyish” things to try to fit in.

When I was 14, I learned what transgender meant and cried of happiness. After 10 years of confusion I finally understood who I was. I immediately told my mom, and she reacted extremely negatively, telling me that it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God doesn’t make mistakes, that I am wrong. If you are reading this, parents, please don’t tell this to your kids. Even if you are Christian or are against transgender people don’t ever say that to someone, especially your kid. That won’t do anything but make them hate them self. That’s exactly what it did to me.

My mom started taking me to a therapist, but would only take me to Christian therapists, (who were all very biased) so I never actually got the therapy I needed to cure me of my depression. I only got more Christians telling me that I was selfish and wrong and that I should look to God for help.

When I was 16 I realized that my parents would never come around, and that I would have to wait until I was 18 to start any sort of transitioning treatment, which absolutely broke my heart. The longer you wait, the harder it is to transition. I felt hopeless, that I was just going to look like a man in drag for the rest of my life. On my 16th birthday, when I didn’t receive consent from my parents to start transitioning, I cried myself to sleep.

I formed a sort of a “fuck you” attitude towards my parents and came out as gay at school, thinking that maybe if I eased into coming out as trans it would be less of a shock. Although the reaction from my friends was positive, my parents were pissed. They felt like I was attacking their image, and that I was an embarrassment to them. They wanted me to be their perfect little straight Christian boy, and that’s obviously not what I wanted.

So they took me out of public school, took away my laptop and phone, and forbid me of getting on any sort of social media, completely isolating me from my friends. This was probably the part of my life when I was the most depressed, and I’m surprised I didn’t kill myself. I was completely alone for 5 months. No friends, no support, no love. Just my parent’s disappointment and the cruelty of loneliness.

At the end of the school year, my parents finally came around and gave me my phone and let me back on social media. I was excited, I finally had my friends back. They were extremely excited to see me and talk to me, but only at first. Eventually they realized they didn’t actually give a shit about me, and I felt even lonelier than I did before. The only friends I thought I had only liked me because they saw me five times a week.

After a summer of having almost no friends plus the weight of having to think about college, save money for moving out, keep my grades up, go to church each week and feel like shit because everyone there is against everything I live for, I have decided I’ve had enough. I’m never going to transition successfully, even when I move out. I’m never going to be happy with the way I look or sound. I’m never going to have enough friends to satisfy me. I’m never going to have enough love to satisfy me. I’m never going to find a man who loves me. I’m never going to be happy. Either I live the rest of my life as a lonely man who wishes he were a woman or I live my life as a lonelier woman who hates herself. There’s no winning. There’s no way out. I’m sad enough already, I don’t need my life to get any worse. People say “it gets better” but that isn’t true in my case. It gets worse. Each day I get worse.

That’s the gist of it, that’s why I feel like killing myself. Sorry if that’s not a good enough reason for you, it’s good enough for me. As for my will, I want 100% of the things that I legally own to be sold and the money (plus my money in the bank) to be given to trans civil rights movements and support groups, I don’t give a shit which one. The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren’t treated the way I was, they’re treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say “that’s fucked up” and fix it. Fix society. Please.

Goodbye,
(Leelah) Josh Alcorn

Alcorn’s death has brought forth an outpouring of anguish from trans writers and allies, who rightly view the incident as symptomatic of our society’s widespread transphobia, especially with regard to teens wishing to transition. (As the Advocate reported back in September, simply delaying the onset of puberty through the use of hormonal interventions—to minimize dysphoria and allow for a final decision at a later date—is emerging as a best practice; based on her testimony, such a treatment might have saved Alcorn’s life had her parents allowed it.) While the activist community is rallying around Alcorn’s wish to have her death “mean something”—the group Marriage Equality Ohio has planned a vigil for Saturday—her mother continued to deny her daughter’s felt identity in a Facebook post (since deleted) that spoke of her “son” going “home to Heaven.”

For me, the sad irony of all this is that Alcorn is finally getting the recognition and affirmation she needed in life only after her passing. It would have cost her family and community nothing to take the small step of calling her by her chosen name and honoring her gender identity when she asked for it, but their refusal has cost them everything. Though it seems unlikely to happen, I join with writer Jane Fae in hoping that Alcorn’s parents at the very least honor their daughter’s wishes by using her true identity at the funeral and by disposing of her belongings as she directed. Still, dignity in death is no substitute for dignity in life.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts due to queer identity and discrimination, please find help at the Trevor Project: (866) 488-7386. Text, chat, or call to talk.

I’m Coming Out

I’m coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I’m coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

There’s a new me coming out
And I just had to live
And I wanna give
I’m completely positive
I think this time around
I am gonna do it
Like you never knew it
Ooh, I’ll make it through

Diana Ross

I have made mention of my goal to have a Sober January. It has been a hot topic on my Facebook page and amongst others in my life. I have found the comments and feedback of others very interesting. First, let me disclose my typical imbibing to put things into context. On a typical week, I will have at most probably 4 drinks and it’s usually either wine or vodka, so clearly I am a moderate drinker without an issue to be addressed.

I put this NPR article up on my Facebook which discusses if a month of alcohol abstinence really has that much of a benefit. The answer is yes. Some friends and co-workers joined my pledge; some have done it for up to a year. But who is commenting the most?  Men with one man in particular, a European guy that is my age from my hiking group. Damn, this hiking group is really paying off. Off Facebook, Don Juan has weighed in that he is joining me and previously he has gone five years without a drink. Our date this week is getting more interesting by the day. My boss had a 10-year dry spell while his daughter was growing up. He wanted to be a healthy role model for her. Now, look out!

Here are my reasons behind my Sober January:
1) Great way to knock off those few extra holiday pounds. I need something to kick start the final weight push for me. Foregoing alcohol is a great option and it’s working. I have dropped 8 pounds since January 1st.
2) Saying no to a drink is a great willpower exercise. I need to strengthen my willpower and this is an effective way to do so. Men love this reason, by the way.

In any case, the lively dialogue on this topic of alcohol abstinence has made me think about my lackadaisical approach to the remaining weight I want to lose. I have been mucking around for a couple of months without a concerted effort. It’s time to focus; it’s time to Make Shit Happen (my 2015 Mantra). Therefore, I am making a commitment of NO ALCOHOL until I lose the weight. It gives me an incentive to get to the finish line while being a healthy new habit.  I did have a dream last night about a lovely glass of red wine….NO, I will stay strong!

Any of you abstaining this month? Have you tried this? Want to join me because it is never too late!

As for the intro song, let me dig a little more on why I chose this song.  To date I have lost over 41 pounds since I separated from my ex.  I have dropped four dress sizes in 1-1/2 years.  I look great and more importantly I feel great, even though I’m working on the final 13 pounds of belly and butt fat.  It is such a boost to my self-confidence and sexuality, that I can hardly put words to it.  So in keeping with my 2015 Mantra of Make Shit Happen and in the words of this intro song (with my comments in parenthesis),

There’s a new me coming out (a much smaller me)
And I just had to live (under my terms)
And I wanna give
I’m completely positive (about my life and my journey)
I think this time around
I am gonna do it (lose the weight, find true love)
Like you never knew it (amen, Sister!)
Ooh, I’ll make it through

And in the words of the unforgettable John Belushi

Who's With Me?!

Who’s With Me?!

How Deep is Your Love?

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then you softly leave
And it’s me you need to show
How Deep Is Your Love

How deep is your love, How deep is your love
I really need to learn
‘Cause we’re living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

Bee Gees

Don Juan arrives in town today and I’ll see him tomorrow. Our communication has been primarily due to my initiation, however, yesterday when I sent him a hello message, he gently let me know he couldn’t text back. This is an improvement, so kudos for him for recognizing my feelings.

So I have questions for him and for me as the big day arrives:
• Can I live with the void of communication? I like to feel like someone is thinking about me. I like the banter. I need to feel valued. He did give me the heads up this time that he can’t text. That was an improvement.
• Has he had a mistress before? Because if so, is this how it worked previously? I am curious on if he has been able to maintain a relationship with such crappy limited communication outside of actual dates.
• What are his intentions? Has he even thought about where this will go? Is he just living in the moment? That’s all well and good, but I would like to know.

I realize that it’s too soon to ask these tomorrow because we have been apart for as long as we have been together. But I will want these answers sooner rather than later. Who knows, I do have a knack for getting information when people least expect it. At work, I use a line of questioning where I offer up a nugget of intriguing information first. By opening up and disclosing first, oftentimes the other feels compelled or safe to provide the answers I need. First, however, I need to see how the evening plays out and feel my way through this date.

The other question I have been mulling over is if my FWB relationships with Don Juan and BG will interfere with future perhaps more vanilla/traditional relationships forming? Obviously it will not be cool when a regular single guy learns I am fucking not one but two married guys. Not that details of previous relationships are much of their business, but I do intend to honestly answer any questions I deem reasonable and questions about former/current sex partners is reasonable.  Let’s not even dive into the ramifications of a normal guy discovering this blog!

It is going to be an interesting week. The Hunter is realizing that if he wants to see me this week, he may need to jump in and claim tonight. Tuesday will be interesting with the return of Don Juan. In the meantime, I have a new prospect on the horizon. Devon from the Dog Park. He’s a hottie, Southern, super nice. He is also another lesson in patience. Let’s see if I run into him for a third time which would then make him worthy perhaps of a post. Devon has distinct potential but has not asked for my phone number, even though I see his interest. I have a strategy to accelerate that due to work, but I am going to restrain myself and instead use this as a lesson in patience and let him pursue, if he does….

Oh and the song today? My hopeless romantic side loves this song, so even though it’s a little deeper than my original pick for this post, what the heck.  Enjoy.

I’d Just Be Fool Enough (To Fall)

Oh please don’t be so careless with your glances
Don’t look at me that way and breathe a sigh
Please don’t get too close and let me love you
‘Cause I just might be fool enough to try

It’s not that I don’t think I’m worthy of you
But memories from the past I still recall
Please don’t get too close and let me love you
‘Cause I just might be fool enough to fall

Johnny Cash

I would say that today’s intro song is probably more from The Hunter’s perspective than mine. We had our date and once again, a G-rated encounter. Talk about a sloooowwww pursuit. Good grief.

The Hunter is an interesting character and I am still figuring him out because he is a mishmash of conflicting statements. Sit back because since The Hunter is a long game, the stories will be long also.

He asked me out for Saturday afternoon, but I had made plans with Don Juan, so we agreed on Sunday instead. A day later, Don Juan texts me that his arrival is postponed, so I offer Saturday back to The Hunter. He’s smart; he had made plans to spend the day with his son already, so I was left in the cold. Game on! Then it got more interesting.

Saturday night I am watching a movie and idly flipping through Facebook. Who pops up in photos on his Facebook? The Other Woman. They apparently had gone hiking somewhere. Interesting. I felt a brief twinge of jealousy and/or competition. Then I thought, “Well played, Hunter, well played.”

That post also made me think about what a guy would think of my sex life. If I have a twinge of jealousy over a G-rated day in nature, how will a guy react to my FWB arrangements? I digress, but this will be discussed in a future post. You want to know about our date. It was a date for real. The Hunter took me on a picnic and it was great.

To know me is to know that I have limited amounts of patience and tact sometimes. At the very beginning of our date, I mentioned seeing the pictures on Facebook and asked where they had been hiking. I was curious about where they were because they were in some caves that I wasn’t aware of. Apparently his son blew him off (welcome to the world of 20-year-old sons), so The Hunter had a Plan B. End of story.

What did I learn for our picnic? The Hunter is a loooonngg game – far longer than I estimated. Damn, this guy still hasn’t made a move on me. Finally during the last half hour, he clearly stated his intentions or at least as clearly as a Hunter can. He is definitely interested, but he believes a relationship should start from respect and admiration. He has rushed things in the past and apparently I am his grand experiment in a slower pace. Seriously? It starts with me? Good grief.

In any case, he doesn’t want to be hurt. Yes, dear readers, it gives me pause to think about this since I am somewhat of a runaway train these days. He wants someone who has his back and vice versa. He still values his independence, and is not sure he wants to sacrifice it. I told him that I am in no hurry. He asked me point blank what my situation was. I said that I am dating and I have two men on the fringe and dismissed Don Juan and BG with the wave of my hand. I told him that I love living by myself and I have no intention of launching into marriage or a LTR necessarily that involves cohabitation.

He wanted to know where I am in my post-divorce process (i.e. is he going to be my rebound, I think). We talked about my timeline and I told him I’ve been working on identifying what I did to erode my marriage. I told him that I’m working on confrontation and expressing myself more within a relationship. If you ask me about this stuff, I will tell you and tell you more than you probably want to know.

I didn’t ask him about how the Other Woman plays into this because I am confident enough to know that she’s no competition. He’s 47 to my 50, so he will be my first younger man to date. In the parking lot, I got a platonic hug good-bye from him, so I raced my nails down his back….

That must have gotten him thinking because when I asked if he was going on an upcoming night hike, he said no and one of his reasons included it going late on a work night. I teased him about not staying up late and he said, “there are other things I would rather stay up late for.” Then he blushed and turned away. Nice.

Our next date…star-gazing. Surely he’ll kiss me then, right??

I Love Playing With Fire

I love playing with fire
And I don’t wanna get burned
I love playing with fire
And I don’t think I’ll ever learn

My heart is aching to see you play
And I can’t wait till another day
The way you shake me is really hot
You know how to use what you got

I love playing with fire
And I don’t wanna get burned
I love playing with fire
And I don’t think I’ll ever learn

The Runaways

I haven’t posted much lately because a) work is ridiculous, so I need to be putting in 10 hour days right now and b) In all my spare time, I have been mulling things over. Reflecting on where I am in my journey, my quest for romantic love. Actually, I have been thinking about sex and its importance in my life. Could I go back to full abstinence while I wait for the right guy to come along? Readers, you will breathe a sigh of relief that my answer is “Nope, I’m not willing to ‘save myself’ for the right guy, whoever that might be.”

That answer plays into a more-than-likely very bad decision I made this week. I am giving BG a second chance. He texted and then called me this week. I wasn’t cold, but I was pretty swamped, so he did get pushed to the side for a couple of hours. When we did talk, I finally used my words like a mature adult (damn, I’m getting better and better at this) and told him that the events of last week made me extremely uncomfortable.

He immediately apologized. He straightened out the course of events which was one bathroom interlude was only to prep and he shot up once. Does that make any difference? Slightly. Let’s try to give him a little credit for honesty. Does he deserve it? I like to think so. He is a wild one so perhaps I am merely indulging my love of the bad boy.

We had a good phone call and then a follow up conversation at dinner. I told him that I like him sober and that I cared enough about him to tell him this bothered me rather than just dumping him. He was appreciative and contrite, but I have been around enough alcoholics to not let my guard down.  He stayed sober that evening (only two drinks, no drugs), but I know that it won’t last.  One thing for sure, it’s back to safe sex with him. He has so many risky behaviors that I can’t continue putting my health at risk with him.

One thing that has popped into my head is that I can also use his wild side to my advantage. I have been curious about going to a strip joint (yes, innocent and naïve Maggie has never been). He can take me there because he goes all the time. The other advantage for me is rougher sex because he’s game. He loves to bite and be bitten. We had some rougher play last week. I used my nails and we both have souvenirs from our romp. There is potential to develop that area. I wonder if he’ll let me tie him up….

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