I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There’s just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
Sung by Olivia Olson (Joanna from Love Actually)
Written by Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff
Somebody asked me what I liked sexually both in reality and fantasy. It’s an interesting question and not one that has an answer that rolls off my tongue or fingers quickly because up until this year I haven’t had sex in 14 years. How am I supposed to know what I want after such a long drought? I didn’t even masturbate much during that time because it was far easier for me to just put that part of me aside completely. Getting horny meant I might actually consider sex with my then-husband and since I didn’t want to reward him with sex, I didn’t want to be horny. Oh yeah, I was a nut job and I fully recognize that this was a major contributor to the stresses inside our relationship. I will take full ownership of the craziness in this. My therapist once gently asked about this and shook her head in amazement. Her comment was I must have been really angry to hold back on the sex. She was right.
But I have left that craziness behind me and vow never to repeat that. Now it is about looking forward and not so much backward (although there are still lessons to be learned by examining my past). Back to the burning question: What do I want sexually? If I have to sit down and make a sexual bucket list? That list today would be rather traditional: tie me up, blindfold me, let’s try anal, let’s try different positions, toys. Come on, these are so vanilla in the realm of kink. They don’t even belong in the world of kink because they are all healthy, normal, fun sexual expressions.
Perhaps to get the sexual satisfaction that I want, that I desire, that I need, it’s more about finding the relationship and the connection so we can go deeper together. Whether it’s a monogamish (as in somewhat exclusive) relationship or fully exclusive, I don’t think that’s the point. The point is the emotional connection and trust.
That’s it — the answer is trust. I want somebody who wants to please me above all else and somebody I want to please above all else. I want somebody that I am attracted to both physically and emotionally. As for the actual sex, well, that’s to be determined between the two consenting parties. I mean it’s not like I have some kink that needs to be scratched or some unsatisfied desires. I have no idea at this point. Maybe I do and with the right partner we will discover the answers. I don’t know what turns me on the most, because I am still discovering that part of me. I think what I really want is someone to try new things and is willing to experiment or teach. My desire is both partners coming into the relationship open minded with the ability to communicate and eager to please one another. I want to be able to lay in bed and laugh because something sexual was mind-blowing or perhaps it didn’t work out. I want someone who doesn’t judge, has the ability to grow, learn and progress – those are things in my sexual bucket list.
So how do you find that person? That’s the million dollar question. It is going to have to be that simple method of trial and error. Meeting lots of men, dating and determining who makes the grade. So all I want for Christmas? A good, giving and game man who is smart enough to challenge me with a great sense of humor, a zest for life and the stamina to keep up with me.
By the way, the clip is from Love Actually, one of my favorite Christmas movies. Most awesome rendition of this song ever.