Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be
out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yule-tide gay
Next year all our troubles will be
Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Will be near to us once more
Someday soon, we all will be together
If the Fates allow
Until then, we’ll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.
Archive for December, 2014
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Hello–how are you
Have you been alright, through all those lonely nights,
That’s what I’d say, I’d tell you everything,
If you’d pick up that telephone.
Hey–how you feelin’
Are you still the same
Don’t you realize the things we did were all for real not a dream,
I just can’t believe
They’ve all faded out of view.
“Why is it we want the ones who don’t see us instead of the ones who do? “
Hillary Swank from You’re Not You
I have pushed Don Juan into the recesses of my mind but he still pops up even though I am keeping myself busy. When he left on December 4th, I got a quick good-bye text from him. I responded and since then I have sent him two texts and two emails. His response…..none. Sigh.
At first I made excuses. Perhaps he’s not getting texts since he is out of the country. Four days after he left, I sent him the first text which has a link to Guns N’ Roses song, Patience, with a quick hello. The second text was sent this past Sunday morning, 10 days after he left. It simply says:
How was the wedding? I’m sure it was beautiful. It’s Sunday. Just thinking of you – while nursing a horrible cold. LOL.
Keep in mind that we usually get together on Sunday evenings, so there is a significance in Sundays. No response.
I rationalize in my mind that perhaps he is not getting texts right now, so I sent him the following email to his personal email late Sunday evening. This is the email he used when he first contacted me off of Ashley Madison.
Before you left you did two of the most romantic gestures unwittingly and effortlessly. The first was the night you pulled out your guitar and sang to me. I have never had a man do that for me before and I was deeply touched.
The second was when we woke up on Monday morning. I have morning breath, smeared eye liner, my hair is a mess and you tell me that I look lovely– and I knew you meant it. Once again, I was deeply touched.
I hope the wedding was beautiful and that this time with your family is creating more cherished memories. My children arrive this coming weekend, so I will be busy getting ready for them.
But for now, here I sit on Sunday night and realize that I am missing you. Oh, I was miserably sick with a cold all weekend, so perhaps I am more melancholy than usual, but it is true. I miss you and I’m thinking of you.
No response from him. I justify this again by thinking perhaps he isn’t checking his personal email anymore. After all, he has me, so why would he be checking it, right? So I made a holiday greeting email that looks professional – something I would send to clients. In it, I add a personal note at the end that tells him to go check his personal email. This is sent to his work email. To date, a vacuum of silence.
My life is very, very busy. But, there is always a but with me, after four attempts to touch base with him yielding no results, I am done and disappointed. We are at the halfway point of his absence. I have to stop this for several reasons: 1) I don’t want to appear needy 2) if I continue, I will make myself crazy and erode the relationship even further 3) I need to maintain some semblance of dignity and self-respect. It will be interesting to hear what his excuse will be and how I will deal with this.
About the quote – “Why is it we want the ones who don’t see us instead of the ones who do? “ Hillary Swank from You’re Not You. I strongly recommend this movie. It stars Hillary Swank, Emmy Rossum and Josh Duhamel in a very touching movie about a talented woman who has everything and is then stricken with ALS. Emmy Rossum (from Shameless) becomes her aide. You will need a box of tissues and a bottle of wine.
I’m on the hunt I’m after you
Smell like I sound, I’m lost in a crowd
And I’m hungry like the wolf
Straddle the line in discord and rhyme
I’m on the hunt I’m after you
I haven’t told you about The Hunter. Perhaps time is drawing near to tell you about him. He’s been chatting with me thru FB for about 6-8 weeks now. He is definitely my body type. I like him. He’s funny, kind, smart, thoughtful.
But….(there is always a but with me). Well, hold on, let’s back up and start at the beginning because The Hunter is perhaps the only guy in my candidate pool that is NOT from online dating. Plus it took the advice and interpretation of two men for me to understand that this guy is very interested in me. Sit back and I’ll tell you the whole story.
I met The Hunter in July on an incredibly hot (temperature) group hike. We did 7 miles and even though we started very early in the morning, the last two miles felt like sub-Saharan Africa. He was in the group of 20 or so folks. I noticed him because I notice all men my age in this hiking group – he was one of 3 or 4 possibilities that day. Actually I was chatting more with another guy — European, very smart. But I digress.
The next time I came across The Hunter was a smaller hike. We had about 10 people. Three of us hung in the back and that’s when we began to hit it off. I was flirty that day. I discovered his fear of snakes. It was a really fun day and as soon as he got home he friended me on FB. We were already on the hiking club’s page, but now he can IM me.
He IM’ed me the Friday before Thanksgiving to see if I was hiking that weekend. Now, keep in mind that the previous weekend was the HR fiasco, so now I have this nice guy wanting to hike with me. OK, I’m in, what the hell? But none of my girlfriends are going, so I’m flying solo. Ended up being the best thing.
He brings a wingman and once again we have a large group of about 18 hikers with about half a dozen from a nearby university. The college kids were endearing because most are city kids who have never been in the woods. By choice we old folk hung in the rear of the group. Now the Hunter has his wingman and another young guy who is a very experienced woodsman, so the three of them are chatting it up. I really like his wingman, great married man with two young children. Super friendly, funny guy. It is during this hike that Hunter begins testing the waters with me.
It starts with, “Aren’t you afraid out here, Maggie?” Now why in the world would I be afraid in a group of 18 with experienced people leading the hike? “Nope,” I reply. “How would you feel being out here at night?” I answer, “It depends. I would never come out here by myself. I have no business doing that, but I would probably be OK with it under the right circumstances.”
The whole day I am getting these funny, mixed messages from him that took my male dating coaches interpretation for me to understand where the heck he was headed. The Hunter made statements like:
• “I don’t date.”
• “I really enjoy being single” (he’s been divorced for about 10 years)
• “I make $20/hour as a groundskeeper and I’m happy with that” (there is a whole story behind this one)
• “Wingman set me up with a beautiful girl, but I wasn’t interested in her.”
• “I met a really cool woman on another hike, but I just wasn’t interested in dating her.”
• “I’m a good-looking guy, it’s not that I don’t have opportunities to date, I’m just not interested.” (I was impressed that he actually said this with humility.)
At the end of the hike, we sit on the tailgate of his pickup truck while I have my absolute favorite post hike beverage, an Arizona Diet Green Tea, and chat some more. Some of the above gems popped out. My reply to all of this is, “Cool. I’m not interested in a committed relationship and I am certainly not looking for another husband – God forbid.”
Then his whole story about his divorce and his previous life spilled out. It’s his story and I’m not going to share it today, but there is a true tragedy in how his marriage blew up. It explained why his ambition dried up (at the time he was working a government job and running a full-time landscaping business). I can see that his mojo is returning because he is talking about creating another company with his son. But for now, he indulges in the activities that make him happy and it all revolves around being outside in the woods.
I get home and I am puzzled. This guy seemed interested and yet, he was making statements that showed no interest. Thank goodness for helpful male dating coaches. Both counsel that he is VERY interested and predict that I will be hearing from him with some type of an invitation in the next couple of days, but The Hunter needs a little time to digest what he learned about me and to decide if he’s ready to make a move.
Sure enough, within 48 hours, I get an invitation to go hiking (and camping) over Thanksgiving weekend. I can’t go because my kids are in town. But I make sure I tell him that I am very interested and would love to do it some other time. Guess what, that time has come. I will be spending New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day camping and hiking with The Hunter and my son. Oh boy, this is gonna be interesting. Particularly since I don’t camp – I’m a day hiker. I’m borrowing gear and we are staying in a campground, so I’ll be fine. Any man that has seen me without makeup and is still interested is man enough for me.
Hark the herald tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
God rest ye merry, merchants,
May you make the yuletide pay.
Angels we have heard on high
Tell us to go out and buy!
I think I am coming around to another understanding of myself. I don’t like most holidays. Yes, today, I am thinking about Christmas and it is time for yet another Monday rant. Pulling out my decorations, decorating the tree, shopping for presents – I am just not into it. I would rather jump on a cruise ship or explore some beautiful city in Europe or some other faraway place. Bah humbug. Maybe this is a phase in my life, but I am not motivated to do this. If I go through the motions of setting up the tree, will anyone see it or care about it? Personally, I care very little. I did it all last year and it came out beautifully, but other than my kids, it was for naught. I have told myself that this is my last traditional Christmas and next year it will be Christmas on my own terms.
As in most families, being the wife, I was the person responsible for setting up the tree and all the decorations in our home from the very beginning. We made a nice evening out of it. My mother-in-law would come over for a nice dinner and then we would decorate the tree. Me, the kids and my MIL. My ex put the lights on the tree and then would sit on the sofa and critique our decorating efforts. The last year of our marriage, I put up all the decorations both inside and out by myself. I put up the tree, the outside wreaths, and the other knickknacks around the house. The tree was in a family room that we rarely use, and we didn’t have any parties that year that would have justified all the décor. Afterwards I got to put it away all by myself. It just felt like we were going through the obligatory motions.
This weekend I made an appearance at my boss’ annual Christmas party. He and his amazing wife throw a huge party for about 125 people and collect toys for a charity. His wife, B, has boundless energy and channels Martha Stewart seemingly effortlessly. She makes the rest of us look like slackers. She made all of the food, was up until 2 AM every night the preceding week, did all the décor in their huge waterfront house (as in 3 Christmas trees plus lights inside and out – you get the picture). As she stood there looking her usual glamorous self, I realized that I have no envy of her or her lifestyle. Fortunately I know that after Christmas, she won’t get around to putting it all away until sometime in February, so she is human after all.
So what do I like about Christmas? I like the hymns during Christmas Eve service, which is the only time of year I will step foot into a church. I like the Christmas movies and music. I like the decorations and most of the parties (although the majority of my parties are work-related). Presents? Sometimes I like the exchange, but I have been moving away from wanting things and prefer experiences. The best gifts I have gotten recently were from work – vendors and business colleagues. Isn’t that a shame?
Maybe I am just glum because I have spent the weekend stuck at home feeling miserable from a nasty cold. I am a bit of wuss when I don’t feel well and tend to hibernate in isolation until I feel better. It took all my energy to get dressed and head over to my boss’ party. Then it was too cold, alcohol was a stomach-turning thought and there were NO single men. After 2-1/2 hours, I tapped out and went home. I did make two good work-related connections <<sigh >> not what I had in mind. Yep, Bah Humbug. Just call me Ms. Scrooge.
You’re a superstar, at the gay bar.
You’re a superstar, at the gay bar.
Yeah! you’re a superstar, at the gay bar.
You’re a superstar, at the gay bar.
In a quick follow up to my great date night with BG, we had some texts over the next two days. I woke up the next day with a scratchy throat and stuffy nose, so I immediately warned him to up his vitamins because I probably got him sick. He thought it was from the pot, but I knew better. Fast forward to today and I’m coming out of a nasty cold that laid me low this weekend. Our best exchange was on Friday, while I’m miserably curled up on my sofa with a box of tissues. He texts me that he’s sitting in a gay bar for Happy Hour – another one of his clients.
Now remember, my first impression of BG was that he could be mistaken for swinging for the other team, so I was bemused that he’s sitting in a gay bar and secretly wondering if he’s being hit on. I then send him my only gay bar joke. I love this joke; it came from a Playboy many, many years ago. Here it is:
A guy just finished a horrific day at work and is headed home. All he wants is to stop for a beer and unwind before he gets home, so he pulls into the first bar he sees. As he walks in, he realizes that he’s in a gay bar. He doesn’t care – he’s too tired and stressed to get back into his car. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “First, you have to tell me the name of your penis”.
The guy says, “Listen, I’ve had a rough day. I’m not gay. I just want a beer. Please – no games, just give me the beer.”
The bartender replies, “No name, no beer.”
The guy is defeated and says, “Fine, first tell me the name of yours.”
The bartender says, “Mine is named Nike—you know, Just Do It”.
The guy thinks for a minute and he says, “Mine is named Secret.”
The bartender stares at him, “Secret?”
“Yeah,” the guy replies, “Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.”
I send this over to BG. He replies, “I’m an idiot, but the bartender here just explained it! You are awesome!” I was rolling on the floor laughing, which then triggered me hacking up a lung.
He kept me in stitches with his next text. “The 3 gay bartenders here are very friendly.”
I reply, “I am sure they are. Just tell them that your door doesn’t swing.” He replies, “Well, it certainly doesn’t! Right?” I come back with “You tell me – I could always get you a butt plug. Just saying…”
He volleys back, “I was looking for a little more support on this. No. There is no swinging, no way, no how, never.” He continues with another text, “A threesome would never include another man, at least not in the same room at the same time.”
I reply, “Hey, I will fully support you in any way possible. You are so funny. I’ve done a MWM threesome. They never touched. I’ve never done a WMW threesome. I don’t know if I would play with a woman. My door may not swing that way.”
He backs off, “Not really saying that we need to consider it. I’m very happy with us as we are”
I recognize that I’m pushing his boundaries, so I respond, “Me too. I’m yanking your chain. Trust me – you are plenty for me. Wednesday was awesome. I’ve been doing a replay frequently….”
He replies, “Me too, like this morning in the shower”.
“Hmmm, sexy,” I text. Yes, it is very sexy when a man masturbates using you as his morning inspiration. Like I said in the previous post, BG may be a perfect FWB.
By the way, the video of this song is hilarious. Very funny song…
Want it, Need it
I think it’s so cute how you use me
Whenever you want sex I’m who you come and see
I’m the one you call when ya body on E
You need a refill I’m who you come see
I had a great evening with BG and it’s proof to me that dating can be fun and easy. Plus it ended with awesome sex. Whoo hoo!
We had been trying to meet over the past week, but our schedules just weren’t in sync. Then on Wednesday, we were both downtown, so he invited me to join him at the soft opening of a new restaurant. We had a blast. The restaurant is very cool and trendy – certain to be a huge success. We just had a great time chatting, telling stories. BG is certainly easy to talk to and we both thoroughly enjoy each other’s company both in and out of the bedroom.
He asked me if I would go to a hotel with him and I replied, “of course”. We had a great time. I had some ass-kicking meetings that day, so I was in a severe suit with glasses (not my usual look). I had warned him ahead of time because our previous dates have been far more casual. Fortunately I typically wear something sexy underneath just to feel a trifle naughty. Apparently my conservative look was a turn-on. When we hit the room, sparks were flying. We started making out and he immediately stripped me out of my suit. We paused to go have a couple of hits of pot in the bathroom like teen-agers. Then back to the main attraction. I’m finding that BG likes it a bit rough. He likes to bite, squeeze and I’m finding that this turns me on. We found our favorite position that night was a modified doggy style with me twisting my upper torso around to watch him. Very sexy.
He told me how much fun he has with me and this was even before we hit the hotel. BG may be the perfect FWB. He keeps in touch just enough to let me know I’m on his mind. He is always easy to hang out with. Our one serious conversation was regarding condoms. I’ve been tested for STI’s and thankfully I’m clean as a whistle. I have told BG this and we discussed that should my situation change, I will tell him and we’ll go back to condoms. For now, let’s just let things ride.
I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There’s just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
Sung by Olivia Olson (Joanna from Love Actually)
Written by Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff
Somebody asked me what I liked sexually both in reality and fantasy. It’s an interesting question and not one that has an answer that rolls off my tongue or fingers quickly because up until this year I haven’t had sex in 14 years. How am I supposed to know what I want after such a long drought? I didn’t even masturbate much during that time because it was far easier for me to just put that part of me aside completely. Getting horny meant I might actually consider sex with my then-husband and since I didn’t want to reward him with sex, I didn’t want to be horny. Oh yeah, I was a nut job and I fully recognize that this was a major contributor to the stresses inside our relationship. I will take full ownership of the craziness in this. My therapist once gently asked about this and shook her head in amazement. Her comment was I must have been really angry to hold back on the sex. She was right.
But I have left that craziness behind me and vow never to repeat that. Now it is about looking forward and not so much backward (although there are still lessons to be learned by examining my past). Back to the burning question: What do I want sexually? If I have to sit down and make a sexual bucket list? That list today would be rather traditional: tie me up, blindfold me, let’s try anal, let’s try different positions, toys. Come on, these are so vanilla in the realm of kink. They don’t even belong in the world of kink because they are all healthy, normal, fun sexual expressions.
Perhaps to get the sexual satisfaction that I want, that I desire, that I need, it’s more about finding the relationship and the connection so we can go deeper together. Whether it’s a monogamish (as in somewhat exclusive) relationship or fully exclusive, I don’t think that’s the point. The point is the emotional connection and trust.
That’s it — the answer is trust. I want somebody who wants to please me above all else and somebody I want to please above all else. I want somebody that I am attracted to both physically and emotionally. As for the actual sex, well, that’s to be determined between the two consenting parties. I mean it’s not like I have some kink that needs to be scratched or some unsatisfied desires. I have no idea at this point. Maybe I do and with the right partner we will discover the answers. I don’t know what turns me on the most, because I am still discovering that part of me. I think what I really want is someone to try new things and is willing to experiment or teach. My desire is both partners coming into the relationship open minded with the ability to communicate and eager to please one another. I want to be able to lay in bed and laugh because something sexual was mind-blowing or perhaps it didn’t work out. I want someone who doesn’t judge, has the ability to grow, learn and progress – those are things in my sexual bucket list.
So how do you find that person? That’s the million dollar question. It is going to have to be that simple method of trial and error. Meeting lots of men, dating and determining who makes the grade. So all I want for Christmas? A good, giving and game man who is smart enough to challenge me with a great sense of humor, a zest for life and the stamina to keep up with me.
By the way, the clip is from Love Actually, one of my favorite Christmas movies. Most awesome rendition of this song ever.