"Love My Way, It's a New Road"


You have to learn to pace yourself
You’re just like everybody else
You’ve only had to run so far
So good
But you will come to a place
Where the only thing you feel
Are loaded guns in your face
And you’ll have to deal with

Billy Joel

It is time to get my house in order, my ducks in a row and whatever other metaphor for getting my shit together. I just opened my work email inbox and I have allowed close to 6,000 emails to accumulate in there. What a nightmare – I know this will eventually crash my laptop. My usual number is below 1,000. Yes, I get a lot of emails and usually they are neatly filed away.

Last night I was up late waiting for my son to arrive from a 5-hour drive home from college. It was a wet ride and he had four other friends in the car, so unbeknownst to him, I was a bit worried and then relieved when he bounded in the door. When I finally hit my pillow at 2:00 am, I couldn’t sleep. Suddenly my mind leaped into a full anxiety mode and began running through my list of things to do and it stretched seemingly endlessly. I have to admit that perhaps I am in a full burn-out mode and need a sabbatical. I have been at my work for over 20 years with intermittent vacations and maternity leaves, and my work does take its toll. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but the stress is relentless. When I was in therapy, my therapist gently questioned me on this. Of course, I blew through her concerns and didn’t much think about it. Now I have to admit, I need to get my shit together professionally and personally on a financial/business level. My procrastination has reached an all-time high and it will end up damaging my reputation which is one of my biggest attributes. ARRRGHH!!

I know that I am rather an impulsive person; I get this from my mom. I marvel at people who can keep a strict routine with little variation, yet, that’s what I need. More discipline in my life, more structure, more routines. On the Saturday after Christmas, I am planning a get together with my girlfriends. We are going to work on vision boards, goals and putting together a 2014 plan. Every year I typically put together a business plan and this year it has sat buried in a drawer. That’s simply awful – what was the point in doing the plan if I am not going to work it? How will I achieve my goals, if I don’t work my plan. My business coach recommends making small changes in order to correct my course. She’s right because if I bite off too much change I will get frazzled and give up. Here is all she is asking of me:

  • One hour of focus per day.
  • Three business development activities.
  • One item of personal business.
  • My addition to this list: exercise every day

If I can work those into a daily routine, I’ll be able to add more to the mix, such as two hours of focus. With numerous meetings around town, dozens of phone calls and emails every day, just those three things will be pushing my discipline, but I have to try. I have to get back on track.

I understand why my attention has wandered. My freedom is over-whelming. No kids, no ties, few responsibilities after so many years. Doing the things I enjoy most is like an addictive drug and the high is so alluring.

During my marriage, my work was my escape, my refuge. I kept working throughout my marriage because it gave me an outlet. Work was where I was appreciated, respected, successful. If I had a shitty exchange with my husband, I could go to work and be appreciated or at least lick my wounds in my peaceful office. Now my home is a peaceful refuge and I love being here. Right now I am happily sitting in a quiet spot of zen in my home with my laptop on my lap and my dog snoring gently beside me. I can hear the birds and feel the peace, but I don’t feel peaceful because I know that I have so much to do. My boss relies on me to be one to pick up the pieces, tie the loose ends and execute our strategies. I am letting him down. I am letting myself down. I must do better. I have to do better. Time to get to work for today; but tomorrow for Thanksgiving, I will take time to reflect on my journey and all the things I have to be thankful for.


Comments on: "Pressure" (2)

  1. Ah yes discipline. I had that once, too


    • I need to find it again. I think I am just in a rough patch and this too shall pass if I just make a concentrated effort. Now, I am turning my focus back to an overdue contract…..


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