"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Brand New Day

When all the dark clouds roll away
And the sun begins to shine
I see my freedom from across the way
And it comes right in on time
Well it shines so bright and it gives so much light
And it comes from the sky above
Makes me feel so free makes me feel like me
And lights my life with love

[Chorus:]
And it seems like and it feels like
And it seems like yes it feels like
A brand new day, yeah
A brand new day oh

I was lost and double crossed
With my hands behind my back
I was longtime hurt and thrown in the dirt
Shoved out on the railroad track
I’ve been used, abused and so confused
And I had nowhere to run
But I stood and looked
And my eyes got hooked
On that beautiful morning sun
[Chorus]

And the sun shines down all on the ground
Yeah and the grass is oh so green
And my heart is still and I’ve got the will
And I don’t really feel so mean
Here it comes, here it comes
0 here it comes right now
And it comes right in on time
Well it eases me and it pleases me
And it satisfies my mind

[Chorus]
And it seems like and it feels like
And it seems like yes it feels like
A brand new day, yeah
A brand new day oh

Van Morrison

Ahhh, the poet Van Morrison. This song really spoke to me last night, so you get the entire song today. Happy Friday! I feel like a butterfly that has emerged from a long, long stint in the cocoon. My loosening of familial responsibilities has been an addictive drug of choice for me. I no longer have my ex’s insistent voice of criticism chipping at my self-esteem. People who have known me for years marvel at my new life, my happiness, my varied activities. They come to my new home and sink into the happy, comfortable place I have created.

I was lost and double crossed
With my hands behind my back
I was longtime hurt and thrown in the dirt
Shoved out on the railroad track
I’ve been used, abused and so confused
And I had nowhere to run
But I stood and looked
And my eyes got hooked
On that beautiful morning sun

I was in a cage during my marriage. A cage of responsibilities and obligations. My ex relentlessly verbally abused me. Imagine living with a man who, during dinners out with friends, HIS clients or whoever, would squeeze my wrist to signal me to stop talking. A man who would expect me to call friends to set up get-togethers and then criticize how I approached them because he would sit next to me while I called. A man, who towards the end, pitched a full blown hissy fit including screaming and pounding on the dashboard of my car while I was driving because I picked the wrong restaurant for dinner with friends. Hissy fits of that magnitude were not that uncommon. Talked about pressure. Add to the mental bullshit, the fact that I did it ALL in the home. When I did laundry, he expected me to put his away. To him, I had not finished the job until I put his away too. If I went grocery shopping, he would criticize how I put stuff away if he was around. Several times he actually woke me up to complain that my snoring was keeping him awake so I might as well be awake also.  I can go on and on, but trust me; it was a cage, albeit gilded, for over 25 years.

So how in the world did I survive and even grow during these years? It was those beautiful mornings that I walked. I walked for an hour and watched the sun rise, had time to think, be outside in nature with my music. I read a lot of books. I kept growing, learning and seeking how to improve myself. Not for him, but for me. I knew that one day I would be free, so I prepared myself for that day. So yes, today and every day since I have moved out feels like a brand new day. A blessing. Each day deserves to be cherished and appreciated because now my life is being lived on my terms – good or bad.

Special thanks to Marty for reminding me of the poetry of Van Morrison.

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Comments on: "Brand New Day" (10)

  1. I can totally relate to the gilded cage metaphor. I think mine was slightly less bad than yours. I didn’t have the horrible fits. But yes, I had the total lack of support, the emotional abuse, not doing things right, ever. Being discouraged from inviting some friends to ours because he just didn’t feel like it, didn’t like them, you name it. Being made to feel inadequate about things I said in front of friends when he had no problem talking me down and I was supposed to take it lightly because it was a joke, right? Where’s your sense of humour?
    Being made to feel everything that was wring in our marriage was my fault, my depression clouding it, being verbally abused by his family with almost no response from him… Always being the guilty one, no matter what.
    I feel so relieved now. I kept growing, went to therapy to try and improve my life, read, meditated…
    Now he’s gone, there may be some different constraints, but they are MINE! I decide what I want to do. It feels sooooo good 🙂

    Thanks for sharing your story. It’s always nice to know one is not alone 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing – it’s always reassuring to know we aren’t alone in this journey.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, it is reassuring. I felt that when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, at least I’m not crazy, I’m not alone.
        It’s a bit of the reason why I share my story. So that others can see that there is hope after years of feeling or being made to feel like less than worthy.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for sharing those details Maggie. I’m a bit floored by how he was. So yes you deserve to celebrate each brand new day. And continue to grow and be yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We hid that side of our relationship extremely well. That’s why I always say marriages and relationships are complicated and unique to those people in it. I try not to judge or assume.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Actually, I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t have survived for so long if I hadn’t hidden this from myself as well. It’s only after I exited the relationship that I allowed myself to actually look at what I went through and realised what it was.
        I try not to judge or assume either now, because I realise that in all relationships, there are always two stories. I’m sure my ex’s reality is very different from mine.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Dawn,
        I am so sorry for the late response on your comment — somehow it slipped past me. I had periods when I thought things were OK. During these times we were both trying and our life together was filled with family, friends and lots of fun activities. Then we would hit a rough patch and would flounder. I had some rough patches that were brutal. During those times, well, they were very dark for me, but now I have a Brand New Day.

        Like

      • Well, I too have had some fun times, when things seemed to be alright. We would have friends over, we would go on trips. But then, even those times, when I look into them, it would always be the friends he approved of and the places he felt like visiting… The number of times I was dreaming of a beach holiday, nothing to do but lay down and read…and we went skiing because that’s what he wanted. Or the other way round! Sigh!
        Oh well, those days are gone. Now a new Day, a new life awaits me 🙂

        Like

      • Oh our similarities are uncanny here. I have to write a post on this. Perhaps save it for my typical bitchy Monday rant. Your comment brought up soooo many memories. I have to admit that a relationship is a 2-way street. I acquiesced too easily in order to have peace and keep the family from turmoil. Was it the right decision? Who knows, but what’s done is done. I can waste time on “would’da, could’da, should’ha” except on those sleepless nights when my mind cannot rest…..

        Like

      • I know it’s a two way street. I have two things I need to forgive myself: Staying that long without leaving and not standing up for myself. I thikn I was like you, I said yes to keep peace in the family unit.
        I do recognise I have some role in the failure of our marriage, as well as in the abuse that took place. Had I known before hand what a normal relationship looked like, I would have been less prone to accepting the way I was treated during my marriage. Thing is, he’s so used to always blaming it all on me, he’s not ready to do the same. At least not yet and not admit it to me. I hope for whoever will come in his life next that he will learn a little from our failure.

        As for the sleepless nights… I know all about them, especially at the moment. I can only recommend to try homeopathy: Coffea when your mind races like that could help…

        I’m looking forward to reading your next rant then 😉

        Like

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