Lately I been, I been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I been, I been prayin’ hard
Said no more counting dollars
We’ll be counting stars
Yeah, we’ll be counting stars
I feel something so right
By doing the wrong thing
And I feel something so wrong
By doing the right thing
I couldn’t lie, couldn’t lie, couldn’t lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive
HR has been wooing me. At the beginning of September, when we started, our banter was just day-to-day things. He would send me my horoscope; we would banter about our day. Work stuff like meetings, clients. Our professions have similarities so the jokes are easy. We started texting on the day before I headed up to see my son and have a threesome.
We text stories about ourselves. He sends me a cute photo of him and his dog and some beautiful photos of sunsets from one of his homes. I told him about some of my deadbeat dates. I took this morning off to read back through all the texts and there is a lot to read.
Yesterday everybody had a reality check. Asshole B, me and HR. HR was texting me about wanting to take a road trip with me. I love road trips. Put the music on, hit the highway and I’m in a zen state of mind. We both love the water, so obviously the clichéd walk on the beach was part of our chat. Hey, I love that stuff. He is back in my state in about 2-1/2 weeks, so there is a heightened anticipation. We want to make plans, we feel a connection – all good things.
But I have to confess. I’m nervous. It seems all TG2BT. Is this a real connection or are we just projecting it onto one another? We do think a lot. Our initial date which ended with a sleepover was surreally awesome, not awkward, relaxing and pretty damn near perfect. We replay those moments daily both together via text or separately. But I am skittish. I’m not quite ready for something or am I?
Then he takes a little twist from our road trip day dream. “I would think that our sensuality, our expressiveness is sacred meaning it can’t be wasted on just anyone.” I reply with “with the right time, the right place”. He continued. “especially if it is not mutually reciprocal.”
Hold on cowboy. I come back with a question, “Are you talking about exclusivity?” Keep in mind a) he’s married and b) that during this exchange we are both having long pauses as we digest what the other is writing. He replies, “I don’t let sex control my life. I have learned to live without it and take care of my needs in other ways. I can’t or won’t settle for less when it comes to it and when I am involved I give it all. Personally I don’t have it in me or the desire and probably the energy these days to be less than exclusive.”
We have an exchange about me understanding this from my long sexless marriage and I say, “I learned to channel that energy into other things.” He says, “some people are governed by sex in a shallow way, like having flings or getting boob jobs, etc.” HOLD ON COWBOY FOR REAL. OK, I haven’t had a boob job, but the rest of it…yeah, you are talking about me now, the woman who has been totally governed by sex over the past 6 months or so.
I text back after careful thought, “OK, HR. Let’s chat. You realize that we have a very strong connection and you are the person I want to talk to all day every day.” He replies, “I feel the same way and we have been doing a good job of it….”
I tell him, “I still have guys that are asking me out.” He quips, “I haven’t been asked out by guys in quite some time.” Since he’s decided to play the humor card, I go along with him, “Then I feel very lucky because I would have to kick some ass.” We enter a period of joking around and he tells me a horrible joke that I didn’t get. It was all light and funny, but I have to finish this conversation.
“OK. Funny man. I’ll take the dating topic off the table. Just know that I feel something with you that means a lot to me and I want to thoroughly explore it with you. It’s very early for us and I am excited about our possibilities.”
He responds, “We can keep the dating topic on the table.”
Here I boldly go, “Having said that, there will be times I may go out with someone else. It doesn’t mean sex is inevitable. You need to let me know how I should communicate this with you because I don’t want to ever lie or deceive you.”
He thinks about all this (remember, he’s been married a long time and this is new for him). “OK. Thank you for being open and honest about that. I need to dwell on that thought though. I am not used to that situation so a response doesn’t come easy. Just be yourself, be natural and things will work out.”
I reply, “I completely understand – take your time. It’s a bit complicated and its new territory for both of us.” He says, “It’s complicated and simple at the same time. Like you said, I can see our possibilities and want to explore them.” I say, “I agree wholeheartedly.”
He opens up a bit more. “I keep a wall around my heart but someone like you can go over and through it like it doesn’t exist. So I kind of like the distance between us…for now.”
We continue through a few more exchanges and he gives me this, “You are what I am seeking as well if you have read my profile. You are to the T. I want to explore with you as well because I feel that we can go as deep as we want naturally.”
Wow, that hit me pretty hard. Here’s why I am a bit spooked today. He has no idea that I have a date tonight, lunch tomorrow, drinks on Thursday all with different men. He doesn’t know that I’m waiting to ensnare some others in my pipeline. He doesn’t know that I went back trawling on Plenty of Fish yesterday to try out a modified version of my AM approach. HR doesn’t have a clue about my other dating activities. To be fair, I don’t know about his but he’s pretty firm about not eating where he shits, meaning that nothing will happen in his hometown in order to avoid any drama.
Perhaps it was a bucket of cold water on me generally. This reality check started to take hold over the weekend as I relaxed and actually read a good book while disconnected from the grid. I’m hurting myself. I’m hurting myself professionally by ignoring my work. I’m hurting myself physically by having unprotected sex with three guys in the past four months. Yes, I’m headed in to be tested for every STD in the book this week. I’m hurting myself emotionally by continuing this hamster wheel of online dating without a break. None of this is who I really am. All of this is not me. I was invited by a Fetish Ball for Halloween by an AM guy looking for a third/fourth in his open relationship and Dear Readers, you know me, I’m up for most adventures. This invite looked like…too much generally for me.
So as I write this, HR just sent me my horoscope. Damn thing is spot on today. For my mood: Tenderness and wellness are in order. Check! Then in Love: You need to be dedicated to your relationship and more so for the romantic ones. You aspire to have relationships that are healthy and clear-cut. In a relationship, you wish to talk to your partner about certain things left unsaid to clarify the situation. Single, you reject anyone who clings to you and who is not open.
My resolve is to jump off all the dating sites for now. Yes, I said that before I blithely jumped onto AM about two months ago. This time I have enough dating prospects that I will be fine. At the very least, I think I will jump off for a week and give things time to settle down. I need some space to breathe and get back into my old rhythm, which was great and worked well. This hamster wheel needs to stop spinning and I need to stop hurting myself professional, physically and mentally. Although a deep connection with a married man is not going to be painless….