I didn’t give a damn what you say to me
I don’t really care what you think of me
Cause either way you’re gonna think what you believe
There’s nothing you could say that would hurt me
I’m sick of this shit, don’t deny
You’re a waste of time
I’m sick of this shit, don’t ask why
I hate you now
So go away from me
You’re gone, so long
I can do better, I can do better
Hey, hey you
I found myself again
That’s why you’re gone
I can do better, I can do better
Sorry for the long song intro but it does basically say it all for me. Thanks, Avril, you rock. I had a tale of two men yesterday which gave me a strong pause and reflection on what the fuck I am doing with my life these days. First, work is suffering and it’s suffering at a time when I cannot afford for it to suffer. I am not doing good work – in fact, I suck at various aspects of my job and usually I am very, very good. But I am distracted and the haze of hormones has become an addictive drug that clouds my reason and sends my responsibility scattering to the wind. I can’t continue like this. It’s not the real me. It’s not who I want to be at the end of the day. So what the hell happened?
It is intoxicating to have men throw compliments and approach me as a sensual woman. I haven’t had that for a long, long time – try perhaps 20 years, so perhaps my addiction is understandable. I’ve always had an impulsive streak, so the current situation feeds directly into that characteristic.
I have HR, the romantic from far away. We have continued to text and even talk and have phone sex since he returned home. He lives very, very far away. Time zones create more obstacles. But he’s consistent and passionate and romantic. He wants more, but he isn’t looking to change his current situation or mine. In fact, what he is offering is the icing off the cupcake. My next post will have more about him. I gave him a reality check yesterday. He was the second guy to get one from me. But let’s back up to the first guy who got a reality check from me.
B had been texting me and then sexting a bit over the past 2-3 weeks. On this blog, I have been writing about how crazy things have been before, during and after vacation. It’s been ridiculous. B and I finally had a lunch scheduled for this week and he pings me to confirm. Actually I thought we were originally scheduled to meet last week. In fact I’m sure because once it goes on my calendar, it’s pretty well decided. We banter a little yesterday and then he wants to set up lunch, with drinks, near my place. I’m not so sure about that. Alcohol in the middle of the day? Not necessarily my thing particularly on a first date. Obviously he is anticipating that he’ll get me loosened up and then fuck me back at my place. I put a hard stop on this by texting him that there would be no sex during our first meeting.
Here’s my sequence. “Dude – you seriously realize that NOTHING SEXUAL will occur at our first meeting. You are starting to make me nervous.” He says, “Yikes! Chillax” I reply, “Cool. Just checking. I’m fine with the banter but since I don’t know you well it’s hard to gauge.” I follow with, “I have come across some strange ones on AM.” Now in my mind, I am clearly setting boundaries, but giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Instead of deciding to either chance it with me or bail, he reacts in anger. I get an angry 2-part text that starts with “I guess ur new to texting and smartphones…it’s OK” and ends with “Maybe I ought to label u like every nut bag woman I met on AM too”.
Fuck you too, B. I don’t need an angry drunk in my life. I just got rid of that. A special shout out to Marty for a guy’s perspective on this. I always appreciate it.