Good friends we have, oh, good friends we have lost
Along the way, yeah!
In this great future, you can’t forget your past;
So dry your tears, I seh. Yeah!
No, woman, no cry;
No, woman, no cry. Eh, yeah!
A little darlin’, don’t shed no tears:
No, woman, no cry. Eh!
Everything’s gonna be all right, yeah!
Everything’s gonna be all right!
So what have I learned on my vacation? That’s a good question. On the work front, I realize I need to delegate more and empower my team to free me up more. I need to spend more time in the business development cycle. For the personal growth/sexual awakening side, I am learning that I am a powerful, unique woman that men find desirable. Who would have thought that at 50, I am so sought after? I have never had men pursue me like they are doing now. Never have I been told that I’m beautiful, sexy by so many men. It’s an intoxicating drug for my soul. Finally, after half a century, I am getting my sexual legs for lack of a better term.
I can sext with the best of them. I can turn men on with words and pictures to the point that they cum. What a power trip for me. Men seek me out, beg me for attention. In bed I arouse and satisfy them easily. That’s heady shit. I feel like I have been living my life with blinders on. I certainly was hiding behind an armor of fat. My pre-divorce world was more limiting than I could have imagined during that time. I was focused on one primary goal: my kids. If I die right now on this plane that is taking me home, I know one thing for sure – my kids are my greatest achievement. I have no regrets. They are normal, healthy young adults who have had every advantage and they will be able to follow their dreams immediately and not need to wait like I have. That fills me with pride and joy and no regrets. Not everyone is as blessed as I have been in the kid department. I know that staying in my shitty marriage was a key factor to this success.
My life from 2011 to now has been like a rollercoaster. In July 2011 I was fired from a company I had been with for a decade due to a new bitchy boss. It was a blessing in disguise. I rose from the ashes of that to a career best in 2013. The final year of my marriage was as rocky as it gets. At the beginning of 2012, I lost the three most important women in my life within 6 months. At that same time I picked up my best client of my career and by the end of 2012 landed the biggest, most complicated project of my career. I made more money than I have ever made. My husband couldn’t contain his jealousy and it spilled into our lives each and every day making me more miserable than I had been for many years.
I started counseling in what would be the final six months of my marriage. I thought my depression was all about grief. I thought that my marriage was still OK and would endure through this. Then I realized that he was contributing to my lingering grief. We lost his mom in January 2012. I was close to her and loved her dearly. The night she died, inside of an hour, my mom’s aide called me to tell me my mom was re-entering the hospital due to complications from gall bladder surgery. I told my husband at that moment she would be dead within months. I was right – the breast cancer was back with a vengeance. At the same time, my daughter was applying to medical school. Let me tell you something, the medical school application process is more pressure than college process by tenfold. At the end of it, she got into a school beyond our wildest dreams, but it would take her far away from us. She was my third woman to leave me in 2012. So you can see how that year was so emotionally turbulent for me. Compound all of that with the fact that I allowed my husband to isolate me from having my own friendships outside of his circle of friends, so my support system was restricted.
This new client was very demanding but since I had just started with a new firm, I had capacity to handle their time demands. It lead to extreme success. They had no idea about my MIL or mother being sick. We landed this client without disclosure that my mom was 1200 miles away in hospice care. My partner and I made secret contingency plans. I snuck out of town to visit her on the rare occasions when they weren’t around. The morning she passed was a couple of days prior to an upcoming secret trip. I had to spend the morning on the phone with hospice, select a funeral home, arrange for her dog to be boarded, notify her siblings. After 2 hours of non-stop logistics I could finally pause and think about her passing…for 2 minutes and then my office door opens and in walks my client. Yes, it was a lot. That night one of our closest friends had a heart attack so my husband goes to help his wife. When you don’t want your partner around you in one of your darkest hours, you know things are done. He actually had the gall to ask why I wasn’t going to go to my son’s lacrosse game that evening. Really??
Then my birthday comes over the summer and he won’t even take me to the restaurant of my choice and we end up in a screaming match with me hysterically crying and then trying to recover before the kids walk back in the door from an errand. Can you fucking believe this? I want to go to a cool restaurant that, granted is a hike, but dammit, it’s my birthday. TAKE ME THE FUCK WHERE I ASK WITHOUT QUESTIONS, ASSHOLE. IT’S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
So when I entered counseling in the fall, I was deluding myself. I was falling into a depressive funk that had me unable to function for 1-2 days a week every 3-4 weeks. I mean total withdrawal from the world. I recognized that this was BAD. Then my 25th anniversary arrives. My husband arranges a nice weekend getaway to New Orleans. I couldn’t let him touch me. Not once. I couldn’t stay in the bed with him, let him kiss me. Nothing. I felt claustrophobic, trapped. Yep, it was over. He knew it then too. He couldn’t deny it any longer. Counseling started after that. I was lucky and found an amazing young woman with an earthy wit and candor that enabled me to open up after all these years. I was able to cry, rage and discuss my life with a non-judgmental woman who encouraged me to get it all out. She knew it was over, but allowed me to go through the process until I was able to recognize that it was over. Then our sessions became about planning my exit strategy, assembling my team, doing this on my terms. I love her to this day for helping me find my freedom and asking the hard questions when they needed to be asked.
So as I sit on this plane 30,000 feet above the earth and look down upon my life, I know some truths about me:
- I am a good person. Yes, I don’t follow society’s rules all the time, but I am honest, loyal, funny and smart. My friends and family rely on my sage advice and the ability to always have a ridiculous story for any occasion.
- I am not an obese depressed person as my husband told me during our separation discussion. I am not a frigid woman as he would like to think. I am a sensitive, sensual and very sexual woman ….. with the right man.
- I need to get a handle on my money and my business so I can live the life I want and deserve.
As I look out the window of the plane, I know that my boundaries now are infinite. I wake up SO HAPPY to be free and living life on my terms and nobody else’s. YOLO, folks. YOLO – make the most of it.