"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for October, 2014

Burn One Down

Let us burn one
from end to end
and pass it over
to me my friend
burn it long, we’ll burn it slow
to light me up before I go

Ben Harper

First, Don Juan is right – I like smoking pot and then fucking. Awesome. However, it could be making me more intense rather than less. But first things first, BG made the most of his second chance and exceeded expectations.

We met in at a nearby restaurant’s bar and had a couple of beers before going back to my place. We have no problem chatting about life, etc. This bar is so close that I walked over and then later I simply rode home with BG to my place.

By sheer coincidence, the beer I picked up was his favorite – Flat Tire, not a common one, but I like it too. We smoked some weed and I was off to the clouds. Guess what, either his kissing skills did improve (which I think was the case) or as the researchers stated, once I fucked him, his kissing didn’t really matter anymore. Actually it was the former. Oh yeah, the kissing started before I got stoned, so this was a clear-headed assessment.

BG did quite well. When I asked him his preference on position, he wanted me to take the lead and choose whatever I wanted. His oral skills were really good and when combined with his fingering and fucking, I was happy. Oh yeah, now I have discovered that when I‘m relaxed (aka stoned), I’m more vocal. It is all feeling so good that I want the world to know. Apparently I do come across as insatiable – second guy to mention it this week, but I reassured him that wasn’t the case. However, once he left, I brought out my toys and continued to enjoy my high. Is that insatiable?

You know, I think finding a woman who is actually wanting and really enjoying sex is a novelty for these guys. They have been in a long-term relationship where things have become stale, boring. Now they have someone who enjoys sex…with them and it’s much more exciting. Interestingly, BG has some things to learn. He hasn’t played with toys on a partner, so we talked about that and adding it to our repertoire next time. He hasn’t really thought about fantasies or things we could do that would turn him on (or so he says) other than getting oiled up and slipping around. Who knows, this guy could come back with some huge kink. Wouldn’t that be funny?

This week’s lesson: a nice guy deserves a second chance. Twice this week, I was pleasantly surprised to have him exceed expectations.

Start Me Up

If you start me up
If you start me up I’ll never stop
If you start me up
If you start me up I’ll never stop
I’ve been running hot
You got me ticking gonna blow my top
If you start me up
If you start me up I’ll never stop

Rolling Stones

 

I wrote briefly about Don Juan here, but I never got around to writing about our first date. It was a charming evening right before I left on vacation. In the flurry of vacation, he was overlooked because quite honestly I put him in the friend zone and forgot about him. He didn’t forget about me. We decide on a second date, but I’m kicking myself about not telling him that he’s officially in the friend zone and that while it’s great to hang out with him, I’m not feeling the chemistry. Welllll, it’s a good thing I didn’t do that.

Let me give you a brief description so we can properly set the scene. Don Juan says he’s 56 but when I googled him it pops up that he’s 58. OK, close enough. He’s got a slender, athletic build. Don Juan is gray on the sides and bald on top. He’s slightly above average looks, has a nice smile and long slender fingers. He is not my ideal guy in the looks department, but I am fast learning to move past this. He is also a very successful businessman. Very.

For our second date, he chooses a picturesque restaurant that has amazing views but it’s a little out of the way for me. That’s OK, the views are worth it. We meet for a drink and have an appetizer. The conversation flows between us. He’s very interesting, well-traveled and we have quite a few common interests. The first time I thought I was just talking waayy too much, so this night I tried to rein it in. He has a single shot of tequila and I have two glasses of wine. I’m thinking, OK, let’s get a table and have dinner. He has other thoughts and decides to ask for something that is not on the menu. Don Juan turns to me and says, “I want to have sex with you.”

I pause and blink. Think for a second and agree. What the hell. I was feeling some chemistry on this second date and I like his direct approach. I ask him about the logistics. He’s got this thought out. He tells me there is a nearby hotel. I know it; it’s a trendy boutique hotel. OK, I’m in. We decide to take his car out of valet and leave mine which wasn’t parked in valet and off we go to the hotel.

Folks, it is a bit awkward to walk into a small hotel with a man and no luggage to check in. It’s glaringly apparent what is going on. Plus ALL of the staff are men. Whatever, they won’t see me again—I hope.

OK, game on. We go up to the room…and we trashed it. OMG. This guy has got some strong skills in the bedroom, lots of stamina and….Viagra. It dawns on me about 30 minutes in that he has been able to keep a strong erection. Much better than other men in his age bracket. For once I’m not stupid and realize that his quick trip to the restaurant restroom was not only to set up the hotel, but to pop his pill. Folks, I am now a huge fan of Viagra.

Don Juan was great. He touched my tits exactly the way I like and that got me so turned on. He’s a great kisser. Energetic in bed and quite capable. He loves to touch me and explore my body. Those are all the positives. The minuses – he didn’t perform any oral, didn’t finger me or play with my clit. For our first encounter, he was an “insert dick into vag” kinda of dude – old school. I will refrain from any judgmental comments because apparently I am usually WRONG when I make these comments. He laughed and teased me for playing hard to get with him.

We fucked for five hours. There were breaks, little naps along the way, but we fucked for the majority of the time. Viagra is amazing. We would find ourselves sweaty, hopelessly tangled in the sheets, out of breath, but his dick was still ready to keep going. At the end, he just put his energizer bunny of a dick in me because we both enjoyed the sensation so much. I would squeeze it and he would slowly move inside me. Delicious.

He is a man of surprises. During an interlude of recovery, he asks me if I smoke pot. I tell him no, but I use to. He tells me that we should smoke pot and have sex that I would enjoy it. He found me intense and sensual in bed. Really? OK, I’ll take the sensual, but intense? I was relaxed – OK, greedy because I was in the Orgasm zone, but intense? Interesting…..but back to his question, hell, yeah, let’s smoke some pot and fuck. He’s the second AM guy to want to do this.

We left the hotel somewhere around 3:00 am. On the way back to retrieve my car, I ask, “did you take a blue pill tonight?” He laughs and doesn’t immediately answer. I don’t say anything and just let the question sit there. He confesses that yes, sometimes he uses it. I tell him that’s fine, I just want to know for health safety reasons. Folks, the back story on that is one of my ex’s clients (and close friend) had a heart attack while on Viagra and fucking his girlfriend. His wife wasn’t happy about the circumstances surrounding his demise. That’s the last thing I need in my life.

Anyway, my work day started on 3 hours of sleep – I haven’t done that in years. I sent Don Juan a quick text when I got home so he knew I was OK and thanked him for the evening. He replies back, “Thank you, you made it great. Thank you for your touch and kisses. We’ll do it again soon.”

I was wiped the day after. Little sleep, my body was worn out. I had lunch with another AM guy. He’s going to be fun, but he needs his own post. Then I get home tonight and Don Juan sends me this text, “Went to Pilates this evening. Had a small cramp in the leg. The instructor asks, “did you run a marathon?” “Almost,” I said. A very nice one indeed….”

Tomorrow night BG and I have our second date. It starts at a nice restaurant bar across the street from my place and we both know where we will end up. I’m looking forward to it. Let’s see if his kissing improves and just how rough he is in the bedroom. But for now, I need my beauty sleep.

Life is a Highway

Life’s like a road that you travel on
When there’s one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There’s a world outside ev’ry darkened door
Where blues won’t haunt you anymore
Where brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won’t hesitate
To break down the garden gate
There’s not much time left today

[Chorus:]
Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you’re going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

Tom Cochrane

I heard a wonderful speech by Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray Love Author) over the weekend. I like her, enjoyed the book, loved Signature of All Things that she recently wrote, however, I do think she’s a bit crazy at times. Perhaps that’s the burden of a creative being. In any case, her speech really struck home and now I am firmly in Camp Liz. Note: This is going to be deep, so get ready.

Elizabeth spoke about The Quest. Yes, it deserves capitalization. The Quest is our journey through that occurrence called life. She had a great quote by Meister Eckhart, “He who would be what he ought to be, must stop being what he is.” Wow. Good stuff.

Then she went on to talk about the work of Joseph Campbell. I was not familiar with Mr. Campbell, so I did a little research and this is one deep guy. He ran around with John Steinbeck and Sinclair Lewis, later becoming a professor and writer on philosophy. Mr. C. was attributed with the “follow your bliss” philosophy. He has an interesting quote which ties into Sinclair Lewis’ novel, Babbitt. Mr. C says, “Remember the last line? ‘I have never done a thing that I wanted to do in all my life.’ That is a man who never followed his bliss.” That quote struck a chord with me and definitely has added fuel to my midlife crisis bonfire.

So let’s get back to my gal, Liz’s speech; she was talking about another major part of Mr. C’s work: the Universal Story, which is the hero’s story, which describes the essence of simply who we are – the roadmap of our life. It has several standard chapters: a young boy who is summoned to leave all that is familiar to him to venture out into the unknown. He receives a calling and once he leaves, he crosses a threshold where there is no return. Along this journey he faces a series of trials and meets a cast of characters (some good, some bad) that will build his team and his experiences. At some point he will face his lowest moment which is when he will call upon divine assistance which gives him the strength to tackle and win the big battle. Winning the big battle saves his community and he is forever changed for the experience.  When I was reading about Mr. C., one of the examples they gave for this Universal Story is Star Wars – Luke Skywalker. The original movie fits this perfectly.

During Liz’s speech, she had this quote (and sorrowfully I don’t know who to attribute it to because it’s a good one): “It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than live somebody else’s destiny perfectly.”

This all has struck a chord with me. Over the years, I have been living other people’s destiny. I wanted to think it was mine, but perhaps it wasn’t. I went to college (OK, that was mine), got married young, had children, lived the classic upper middle class suburban life thinking that was my destiny. Lately, since my divorce, I have been thinking if that is truly my destiny or is there another one in store for me. I study a lot of motivational writers. One of my favorites is Napoleon Hill who talks about having a burning desire. He wrote that this burning desire is what will drive you to success. I was surprised, as I recently studied Mr. Hill’s book, Think and Grow Rich, that I couldn’t readily identify a burning desire.

Then I realized that I had already accomplished a major one – getting out of my marriage. I recognized that I needed to reset and come up with a new one. I have been searching for my burning desire for over a year. First, I tried a monetary burning desire – nope, no fire. Then a personal one (losing weight), mild flame. Now, as I think about this crazy Quest of Romantic Love, I feel a hot flame of fire. Perhaps this is my next burning desire and this blog is the journal of my quest.

Then we have another great quote from Mr. C., “If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are—if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time.”

I told you this was a deep post. This ties into some thoughts I had over the weekend. It was profound enough that I pulled out pen and paper in between my facial and my massage to jot down the following notes. Unbeknownst to my conscious self, I have been embarking on a quest of my own. I am on a quest for true, romantic love. Looking back, I’ve never truly been in love with a man. Lust, like, escape perhaps but not a true, deep, enduring love.

That is what is missing from my life. My health, thankfully is fine. My family – another blessing. Friends, work, finances – all good. But love – deep, crazy, romantic love – is missing. Each guy I have chosen in my past was about escape, security or lust – not deep abiding love. That is now my quest, my next adventure. Will I achieve that and spend my golden years with my true love? Only time will tell. In the meantime, I will be following Mr. C’s outline of a quest. I have already stepped over the threshold of not being able to turn back by divorcing my husband and setting up my own life. My cast of characters continues to gather as well as my trials and tribulations.

Thanks, Liz. Great speech and you have given me some deep shit to think about.

 

It’s In His Kiss?

If you want to know
(Shoop, shoop, shoop, shoop)
If he loves you so
(Shoop, shoop, shoop, shoop)
Its in his kiss
(Thats where it is)

(Or is it in his face?)
Oh no, it’s just his charms
(In his warm embrace?)
Oh no, thats just his arms

Betty Everett

I was finally able to coordinate schedules with one of the AM guys that I have been chatting with. He took me to a basketball game (he has great season tickets) and we met at a bar (one of his clients) for a very enjoyable evening. The conversation flowed; he is smart and funny. He has potential, but…. There is always a but isn’t there?  Let’s list Pros and Cons for Basketball Guy (BG):
Pros:

  • Attentive – he calls and/or texts me every day and not in an obnoxious way
  • Good manners and nice
  • Good body, attractive
  • Smart, successful
  • Easy to talk to

Cons:

  • Effeminate voice – seriously folks, if I met him at a networking event, I would think he was gay. Don’t get me wrong– I love my gays, but I am looking for a hetero guy for a FWB situation.
  • He was trying a little too hard to please me – he wanted to get me a present. Name it and it was mine. An expensive present like a designer handbag or the like. I don’t like feeling that I can be bought. OK, the basketball tickets are alluring because it is a fun evening, but NO, I can buy my own damn tickets if I really wanted them.
  • Here are the two biggest cons in my mind: he’s not a good kisser and when we were kissing, he was a little rough. Let me break this down further. He walks me to my car and kisses me good night. He doesn’t kiss well. Not enough tongue or soft lips – no decent pucker. At the same time, he grabs me (which I don’t mind, I like a bit assertive) but he’s a little rough. He puts his hands down the back of my jeans to squeeze my ass. I wasn’t alarmed but I did think, “that was interesting and unexpected.”

So I have been polling women and now would like to extend this poll to my readers. Does a bad kisser portend a lousy romp under the covers? Can a guy improve his kissing? A couple of women wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and said perhaps he was nervous. We both had a few drinks (he outdrank me which is easy) so perhaps alcohol was at play?

At the end of the day, my informal poll had a 100% consensus – bad kisser, bad in bed. I am naïve or nice enough to give him another chance, so we are getting together again this week because he has enough potential to warrant a second chance. He wants to get together close to my place, so we all know where this is going.

After I wrote all of this, I went to the gods of Goggle and accidentally came across this New York Times article about Oxford University research on kissing. According to Rafael Wlodarski, the researcher, “The participants generally rated kissing in casual relationships as most important before sex, less important during sex, even less important after sex and least important “at other times.” (To clarify: researchers defined kissing as “on the lips or open-mouth (French).”) So if I’m reading this correctly, if I fuck him the kissing won’t matter so much? Hmmm, that’s interesting.

Walk this World With Me

And I’m sucked in by the wonder and I’m fucked up by the lies
And I dig a hole to lie in and I build some wings to fly
And I think that I could love you ’cause you know how to be free
I want you to come walk this world with me

With the light in our eyes it’s hard to see
Holding on and on ’til we believe
With the light in our eyes it’s hard to see
I’m not touched but I’m aching to be
I want you to come, I want you to come
I want you to come walk this world with me

Heather Nova

This post is a continuation of my puking of emotions to HR about where we are and where we are heading. This is the third part and you can read Parts One and Two.  The above song is courtesy of HR.  He sent that to me during our chat.  I love it.

So after HR tells me that he wants to be with someone who continues to grow, we banter a bit more and I ask him if he likes the song I sent him (If I Fall You are Goin’ With Me – the lead in to Part Two post). He sends me the song above. We then go into some song lyrics. I send him the R.Kelly song that was my lead in to my original post about him.

He comes back with I Believe I Can Fly and says this, “Now that is deep. You can’t see or tell how happy I am because you opened up to me, but I am floating.” I tell him that I’m glad…and relieved. Then he hits me with this one, “You are someone I can fall in love with.” Whoa now.

Me: “That’s really special to me. I have to tell you that I’m scared going into this.”

HR: “As am I”

Me: “I get worried that we’re projecting emotions, gonna get hurt, a whole lot of stuff. I don’t want to bring a whole lot of baggage into this.”

HR: “There is no way to do this but one step and one day at a time.”

We talk about how we love to hear from the other person. Then I open up a bit more. “Soooooo. Want to read what I wrote about us the day after? I think you’ll find it interesting.” He’s game but I tell him that it will be a cut and paste because it’s too soon for him to romp through my entire blog. He knows that I have an anonymous blog.  He finds it  funny that I’m not ready to give him full access and agrees. I cut and paste the post – OK, I left out the last paragraph that referred to an upcoming date. I didn’t want to fling that in his face.

HR: “OMG . Wow”

Me: “There you go. From the bottom of my soul/heart.”

HR: “Yes, I am mesmerized….reading it again. Did anyone respond and tell you if this is what normal is like?” I pull the comments for him.

Then he tells me his side. “After I left you on Friday I did not have as much time to reflect until I was on the flight back. While it was surreal probably because our encounter was like a dream, it was real too. Time just went by too fast which is why I was trying to capture our moments and impressions with me to take away. “ I tell him that’s why I write.

HR continues, “Our connection before we met was perfect, we could share so much…from a distance. I enjoy listening about your workday and your trip because that is the only way I could learn about you. The more I learned the more I liked the more I wanted. I think our encounter, our sleepover was a confirmation of everything we communicated up to that point.” We discuss a few specifics and then he digs in again.

On the flight back I kept the replay button on and thought about it. I was not sure if we would ever have another encounter but I know that if we did it would be as good as the first and build for yet another one after that. I wondered how far to go or pursue because like you I can go deep. The distance doesn’t concern me like I mentioned in my profile as long as there is a connection. Our situations are different though and that is the unknown that I consider.” He talks about some other specifics and then he says, “I thought if we just had sex and not spent the night together and woken up then it would have been a one-time thing for me. Waking up like we did was special to me. Again like a connection.”

So there you have it, folks, a relationship is unfolding. Now what am I going to do with my basketball date and the other three guys I have dates scheduled? I am going to keep to them and see where they lead as well, but my profiles are down and I’m not responding to anything on the dating sites. Next up, let me tell you about the basketball guy.

If I Fall (You’re Goin’ with Me)

If I fall you’re going down with me
You’re going down with me baby if I fall
You can’t take back every little chill you give me
You’re going down with me baby heart and all ooh yeah

Trace Adkins

I have a lot to say so this story will be told in three posts. For Part 1, click here.

So after my conversation with HR about our connection, exclusivity and just the whole jumping into the water thing, I start the next morning by sending HR the above song. He loved it. Then I sat back and thought and wrote the previous post. I spent the day processing it all. Around mid-afternoon, I’m ready to chat.

“I’ve been thinking about us all day and I have some things to tell you to clear the air and keep things honest between us.”

He replies, “That sounds good.”

“I told myself I would never go into another relationship without complete openness and honesty. I have not jumped off the online dating sites until today. Today I will be putting my profiles on hold.” He sends me his horoscopes – folks, these are scarily dead accurate. I continue “OK back to my true confessions – I’m on a roll and might was well get it all out. I have a date tonight to go to a basketball game and I have a lunch tomorrow. There may be some others popping up in the next week or so. I cancelled two others because, well, they turned into tools. “
“I have literally spent all day thinking about our situation – where we are, are we getting ahead of ourselves (I truly hope not), if we progress what do I think about a long-distant exclusive relationship? One thing I do know – I am willing to put all the online shit on hold indefinitely.” I pause and conclude with, “Argh, I feel like I am just puking emotions.”

He responds, “Good”.

I reply, “The puking?”

He counters, “The expressiveness. That’s really not puking.”

Me: “Obviously you can’t see me”

HR: “LOL, Chunky or just bile?”

Me: “For reasons I don’t understand right now, this is hitting a very tender emotional spot in me. I don’t mind the humor, it takes the edge off. But I’m typing this with tears rolling down my face. I don’t quite know why. Obviously I still have shit I need to deal with.”

HR: “OK, thank you for telling me that. I am glad you feel that way because these things are serious. I know that you are like me, I sensed that long ago in that we are deeper inside than we show on the out. We stay busy and active as a distraction. Protection more than a distraction actually… our ‘image’”.

Me: “Exactly. Trust me I take this stuff seriously. I realized I’ve been running on a hamster wheel personally with the online and I need to stop and appreciate what I have discovered – you.”

HR: “I am happy you said that. Why do you feel that way?”

Me: “Which part? I’m a hot mess over here.”

HR: “What have you discovered in me…? Which is also what have you discovered about yourself?”

Me: “Well, I discovered yesterday that sometimes you tell bad jokes. JK.”  We banter about the quantity of his bad jokes. Then I return to the question on the table.

Me: “What I discovered about you? The road trip, making plans for a future uncertain. You are kind. You pay attention. You are thoughtful. You are sexy….Find me sexy. We have a similar outlook on life. What I discovered about me? That’s an endless book right now. Today’s lesson is that in spite of my bravado, I’m reaching a point when I am ready for some form of committed relationship although I don’t know what that is at this point or what it will look like.”

HR: “Beautiful”

Me: “I’m learning that I have way too much to offer to a man so I need to value myself much more.”

HR: “I saw that almost right away. From your Facebook actually.”  Yes, we friended each other on FaceBook before we even met so we could check each other out.

Me: “I’m a work on progress. Aren’t we all?”

HR: “Yes. The key word being progress. I would not want to meet or be with a person who is ‘already there’”

In my next post, I let HR read the original post about our initial encounter and you’ll learn about his reaction.

Dreaming About the Things We Could Be

Lately I been, I been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I been, I been prayin’ hard
Said no more counting dollars
We’ll be counting stars
Yeah, we’ll be counting stars

I feel something so right
By doing the wrong thing
And I feel something so wrong
By doing the right thing
I couldn’t lie, couldn’t lie, couldn’t lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive

OneRepublic

HR has been wooing me. At the beginning of September, when we started, our banter was just day-to-day things. He would send me my horoscope; we would banter about our day. Work stuff like meetings, clients. Our professions have similarities so the jokes are easy. We started texting on the day before I headed up to see my son and have a threesome.

We text stories about ourselves. He sends me a cute photo of him and his dog and some beautiful photos of sunsets from one of his homes. I told him about some of my deadbeat dates. I took this morning off to read back through all the texts and there is a lot to read.

Yesterday everybody had a reality check. Asshole B, me and HR. HR was texting me about wanting to take a road trip with me. I love road trips. Put the music on, hit the highway and I’m in a zen state of mind. We both love the water, so obviously the clichéd walk on the beach was part of our chat. Hey, I love that stuff. He is back in my state in about 2-1/2 weeks, so there is a heightened anticipation. We want to make plans, we feel a connection – all good things.

But I have to confess. I’m nervous. It seems all TG2BT. Is this a real connection or are we just projecting it onto one another? We do think a lot. Our initial date which ended with a sleepover was surreally awesome, not awkward, relaxing and pretty damn near perfect. We replay those moments daily both together via text or separately. But I am skittish. I’m not quite ready for something or am I?

Then he takes a little twist from our road trip day dream. “I would think that our sensuality, our expressiveness is sacred meaning it can’t be wasted on just anyone.” I reply with “with the right time, the right place”. He continued. “especially if it is not mutually reciprocal.”

Hold on cowboy. I come back with a question, “Are you talking about exclusivity?” Keep in mind a) he’s married and b) that during this exchange we are both having long pauses as we digest what the other is writing. He replies, “I don’t let sex control my life. I have learned to live without it and take care of my needs in other ways. I can’t or won’t settle for less when it comes to it and when I am involved I give it all. Personally I don’t have it in me or the desire and probably the energy these days to be less than exclusive.”

We have an exchange about me understanding this from my long sexless marriage and I say, “I learned to channel that energy into other things.” He says, “some people are governed by sex in a shallow way, like having flings or getting boob jobs, etc.” HOLD ON COWBOY FOR REAL. OK, I haven’t had a boob job, but the rest of it…yeah, you are talking about me now, the woman who has been totally governed by sex over the past 6 months or so.

I text back after careful thought, “OK, HR. Let’s chat. You realize that we have a very strong connection and you are the person I want to talk to all day every day.” He replies, “I feel the same way and we have been doing a good job of it….”

I tell him, “I still have guys that are asking me out.” He quips, “I haven’t been asked out by guys in quite some time.” Since he’s decided to play the humor card, I go along with him, “Then I feel very lucky because I would have to kick some ass.” We enter a period of joking around and he tells me a horrible joke that I didn’t get. It was all light and funny, but I have to finish this conversation.

“OK. Funny man. I’ll take the dating topic off the table. Just know that I feel something with you that means a lot to me and I want to thoroughly explore it with you. It’s very early for us and I am excited about our possibilities.”

He responds, “We can keep the dating topic on the table.”

Here I boldly go, “Having said that, there will be times I may go out with someone else. It doesn’t mean sex is inevitable. You need to let me know how I should communicate this with you because I don’t want to ever lie or deceive you.”

He thinks about all this (remember, he’s been married a long time and this is new for him). “OK. Thank you for being open and honest about that. I need to dwell on that thought though. I am not used to that situation so a response doesn’t come easy. Just be yourself, be natural and things will work out.”

I reply, “I completely understand – take your time. It’s a bit complicated and its new territory for both of us.” He says, “It’s complicated and simple at the same time. Like you said, I can see our possibilities and want to explore them.” I say, “I agree wholeheartedly.”

He opens up a bit more. “I keep a wall around my heart but someone like you can go over and through it like it doesn’t exist. So I kind of like the distance between us…for now.”

We continue through a few more exchanges and he gives me this, “You are what I am seeking as well if you have read my profile. You are to the T. I want to explore with you as well because I feel that we can go as deep as we want naturally.”

Wow, that hit me pretty hard. Here’s why I am a bit spooked today. He has no idea that I have a date tonight, lunch tomorrow, drinks on Thursday all with different men. He doesn’t know that I’m waiting to ensnare some others in my pipeline. He doesn’t know that I went back trawling on Plenty of Fish yesterday to try out a modified version of my AM approach. HR doesn’t have a clue about my other dating activities. To be fair, I don’t know about his but he’s pretty firm about not eating where he shits, meaning that nothing will happen in his hometown in order to avoid any drama.

Perhaps it was a bucket of cold water on me generally. This reality check started to take hold over the weekend as I relaxed and actually read a good book while disconnected from the grid. I’m hurting myself. I’m hurting myself professionally by ignoring my work. I’m hurting myself physically by having unprotected sex with three guys in the past four months. Yes, I’m headed in to be tested for every STD in the book this week. I’m hurting myself emotionally by continuing this hamster wheel of online dating without a break. None of this is who I really am. All of this is not me. I was invited by a Fetish Ball for Halloween by an AM guy looking for a third/fourth in his open relationship and Dear Readers, you know me, I’m up for most adventures. This invite looked like…too much generally for me.

So as I write this, HR just sent me my horoscope. Damn thing is spot on today. For my mood: Tenderness and wellness are in order. Check! Then in Love: You need to be dedicated to your relationship and more so for the romantic ones. You aspire to have relationships that are healthy and clear-cut. In a relationship, you wish to talk to your partner about certain things left unsaid to clarify the situation. Single, you reject anyone who clings to you and who is not open.

My resolve is to jump off all the dating sites for now. Yes, I said that before I blithely jumped onto AM about two months ago. This time I have enough dating prospects that I will be fine. At the very least, I think I will jump off for a week and give things time to settle down. I need some space to breathe and get back into my old rhythm, which was great and worked well. This hamster wheel needs to stop spinning and I need to stop hurting myself professional, physically and mentally. Although a deep connection with a married man is not going to be painless….

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