I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time
Deep inside it was a rush
What a rush
I have a crush on an out-of-town client, so I was waiting until after his visit to opine on the topic of work crushes, etc. But today’s visit was so quick and we were surrounded by others the entire time that I couldn’t get a sense on if we had a connection still or not. I felt a bit robbed because it was wham, bam, gotta go and I always love when this client and his partners roll into town. Unfortunately I have done such a good job for them that it leaves us with little to discuss so they allocate their time accordingly.
But crushes are a part of life. I think that Dan Savage has a great approach to crushes. He advises that you take that sexual energy home and fuck the brains out of your significant other. Dan also is a practical guy in understanding that crushes don’t mean you are in love and this is the person for the rest of your life.
My crush was slow in coming. It happened when we had to work very closely on a project that required very long hours, a lot of communication and the high excitement of a huge deal. It was flattering to be appreciated for the skills I brought to the project. He was brilliant, thoughtful and has always been a genuinely nice guy. He’s very happily married and I have a policy of not messing with anyone’s marriage plus clients are always taboo. He’s got a killer sense of humor and is very comfortable in his own skin. Sigh, why does it seem all the good ones are married?
The crush exploded right at the point we completed the big project and my marriage imploded as my ex reacted to my biggest career success with jealously and tried to ruin my moment. I had shit at home and basking adoration at work – what would you do? Yep, totally have a big crush. Fortunately he lives far away and I was seeing a therapist, so everything stayed in perspective.
But then I have moments when I ask myself, “Am I seeing things?” He now keeps our conversations almost exclusively to emails or texts. Telephone conversations are rare. Comments he makes, texts he sends and I have to check myself. Remind myself that I surely must be reading too much into this (he is a really nice guy) and he’s unavailable, so don’t get him into any trouble with his wife. Sometimes, like today, I stand too close to him and sit beside him at lunch just because…and then I wonder, does he have a crush on me?