"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Locked Out of Heaven

‘Cause your sex takes me to paradise
Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise
And it shows, yeah, yeah, yeah

‘Cause you make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Yeah, you make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long

 Bruno Mars

Dos Equis Man unintentionally struck a nerve today.  I had no idea that his simple question would resound to my inner core and cause tears.   Let me set the scene:  Earlier today, Dos Equis and I had a randy Face Time session and explicit photo exchange of the two of us masturbating.   It was hot and I came twice.  He came also.  Literally within 10 minutes of me getting cleaned up and dressed, my son pops over to pack his stuff for college (he had left most of it at my place).  He came over unannounced which is fine – me casa es su casa.  I text Dos Equis laughingly telling him that I fortunately spared my poor son from post-trauma counseling.   The kid’s timing was fortuitous since my next stop was going to be topless sunbathing outside.  Dos Equis and I snicker via text.

Then his innocent questions:  Are you still horny?  I answer, “Yes, it seems to be constant.  Seriously – I have not been this horny for a long, long time.”  He responds (typical male):  Good.  I add, “Is this what it’s like to be a guy?  All I think about is sex.”

His response:  Wow, Well, how long had it been before Friday?  Here’s where shit got real for me.  “10+ years.  Probably closer to …..14.  You are lucky to be alive.”  He’s obviously taken aback and there’s a long pause.  U haven’t had sex in 10 years.  Me:  “Yep – seriously”.  I continue (I might as well make a fuller disclosure).  “We can get into the dysfunction of my marriage another time but suffice it to say – after his little hooker incident and other reasons I was checked out.  Just waiting for my kids to go to college.”

Aside:  Oh yeah, my ex got arrested for soliciting a prostitute during our marriage.  I had to bail his lame ass out of jail at 3:00 in the morning and he tells me it was only the 2nd or 3rd time it had happened and it only a handjob or oral sex.  Readers, we can discuss this later.  It’s all about me today for this blog entry. I had mentioned this to Dos Equis earlier.

He, being a guy of few words (actually a smart response to the crazy oozing out of me), responds:  Oh.  I continue because I may as well put it out there.  “Obviously that created other marital problems as well, but he sucked in the bedrm.  I wasn’t missing much.  There you have it in a nutshell.”  Dos Equis:  OK

But oh no, my crazy isn’t completed.  Now I am sitting outside in tears as the pain of my past wells up inside me.  I continue.  “Everybody thought we had a great marriage – I put up a good front, but I had been miserable for a very long time.  Now it’s my time – my next chapter.  Just looking forward not backwards.  What’s done is done.”

Dos Equis (the guy is pretty astute):  Hence the selfishness.  I respond, “Bingo – you are a smart man”.  Dos Equis:  LOL, OK.  I close with “That’s my only crazy/drama.  Oh and a fear of cockroaches.”

He closes with:  LOL, OK, Well, let’s fill ur sexual bucket list.  Me:  “Now we’re talking!”  Dos Equis:  LMAO

But obviously this has struck a deep nerve with me.  Something in my psyche wants to make up for lost time.  I’m listening to Bruno Mars (one of my go to artists when I’m down) and I’m crying right now because I can still feel the pain of sacrifice I made for over 20 years.  I don’t expect a medal, a pat on the back or some undying gratitude from anyone for what I did.  It was my decision/choice.  I really wanted my kids to grow up in a 2-parent household since I didn’t.  I really wanted them to have every advantage – I didn’t.  I didn’t have the model of a successful marriage to compare to.  So now it’s my time and I plan on making the most of it, but there are times where it becomes glaringly apparent to me just how much I did sacrifice.  I can’t undo the past, but the question does come up — did I sacrifice too much for others??  Dos Equis is right – hence the selfishness.


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