"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

I Just Had Sex

So this one’s dedicated to them girls
That let us flop around on top of them
If you’re near or far
Whether short or tall
We wanna thank you all
For letting us fuck you

The Lonely Island (feat. Akon)

Dos Equis Man texts me on Friday and suggests that we play hooky.  I’ve already had a ridiculous day including breaking my heel of my shoe.  I had a decision:  work or play.  Obviously I chose play because my work will always be there.

The night before we had bantered about the where and when of our next meeting.  I obviously had safety concerns so I decided I would be more comfortable at my place.  I live in a townhouse surrounded by neighbors who know me.  I’m willing to trade a little privacy for safety any time.

I had told him that for our second date I wanted to hang out and defined hanging out as including making out and…whatever I was comfortable with.  I admitted it would probably include fucking our brains out because let’s face it — I am so horny I could implode.  He’s game for whatever (typical male – he just wants to get laid).  He suggested that I bring a friend, live camera  – hilarious.  He made this negotiation fun – thankfully.  While I am concerned about my safety and comfort,  Dos Equis wanted to know if I was vocal, would talk dirty, scream, moan.  He wanted to know what I would be wearing, so I sent him pictures of my sexiest underwear so he could pick a pair.

Then we start sharing pictures from Lady Cheeky.  I’m in bed and this is all making me very horny.  I pull out my vibrator and put in fresh batteries.  Things start humming.  Then I decide, “why not share the sound of me cuming with him?” so I ask him if he wants to listen.  Not only does he want to listen, he wants to FaceTime so he can watch.  OK, no FaceTime, but he did get to listen.  It was sexy.

So now we’ve reached Friday and the two of us are quite randy.  It took one text at 1:00 to get me to agree and he’s on his way down.  I have enough time to hit the grocery store (my cupboards are bare) and get home to change.    Then there he is — it’s time to get down.

Yep, I pretty much jumped him at the door.  We take a shower together at his suggestion.  Let’s take a pause here and put things in perspective from my point:  I have not had sex in about 13-14 years.  Yes, let’s read that slowly – 13-14 years and the sex I was having with the ex was simply bad.  No orgasm, little foreplay – he was awful.  So imagine me finally getting my hands on someone who knows what he’s doing and willing to do it with me.  Poor guy didn’t stand a chance.

We finish the shower, dry off and flop on the bed.  Oral sex ensues.  It’s awesome.  It’s hot.  I cum.  Then I want him inside me so I tell him “go get a wrapper on that and put it in me”, so he trots downstairs for a condom.  That is awesome…..but he has some erection issues.  He pulls out my vibrator to assist.  You gotta give the man credit – he is not going to leave me high and dry.  We fuck for about an hour.  He vacillates between a full erection and semi-hard.  He doesn’t cum.  I, on the other hand, am happy as a clam.  I had warned him that I’m selfish.  I go down on him, jerk him off, whatever he wants – he’s not going to cum.

We take a break and go downstairs.  He thinks some food will help so we pull stuff out of the frig and sprawl on the couch naked to watch TV.  We are chatting about my place and the neighborhood (he’s not familiar with this area of town) and discuss the alarm system and safety.  He trots over to his bag that’s on the counter and pulls out his…loaded gun.  Yep, he brings over to me a loaded gun and proceeds to pull out the clip, checks the chamber, shows me the empty chamber and hands me the gun.  The point being if this would be the right size handgun for me.   It ends up that his bag he brought in has the gun, an extra clip of ammo, a knife (serious gonna hurt you knife) and a host of other things.  Let’s put it this way, if there would be a zombie apocalypse,  I would want Dos Equis and this bag with me.

We end up fucking some on the couch.  Once again, it’s awesome for me.  He doesn’t cum.  Another break during which he loads up my Tumblr app with porn.  Good porn, the kind I like but that was funny.  We play an ipad game together and just relax with his head in my lap.

We go upstairs for the final round and….he can’t sustain an erection.  So he goes down on me (he is good about making sure I’m having fun) and I blow him…to no avail.

Folks, I am a selfish woman.  Although I feel bad that he didn’t have an orgasm, I know that it was his head on top of his shoulders interfering.  I did not make a big deal of it, praised him because I was very satisfied.  Would it have been better if he could have fucked me more?  Yes.  Would it have been a perfect encounter if he came?  Yes.  But as we all know, the world is not a perfect place.

So what did I learn from this encounter:

  • I am surprisingly calm in the face of unforeseen guns in my home. I do want him to take me shooting and asked him.
  • I don’t want to date Dos Equis Man, I just want to fuck him… a lot. He talked about going out to lunch, dating, I could care less about the romance.  I just want to hop in bed with him.  He’s a fuck buddy, not a boyfriend.  Sorry, Dos Equis Man, and I know I sound horribly snobby, but you don’t fit into my lifestyle.
  • Here I am, 50 years old and menopausal, and I still get really hot and wet. Sex didn’t hurt (something I was a bit concerned about given the menopausal situation).
  • I am perfectly fine getting naked in front of someone and staying naked. Probably because Dos Equis is quite comfortable being naked.
  • I like when a guy tells me what he likes and wants – makes life that much simpler.
  • I’m not so good at the blow job and need to practice. It’s been awhile.

So here I am, a day later and I’m happy as a clam.  He was humble enough this morning to admit being embarrassed about his performance.  I told him that I was happy and that next time would be at his place.  We both think it was anxiety from skipping work and he seems to be a guy who needs to be in a comfortable and safe environment (his home).  He’s not averse to getting some blue pills.  It had been 3 years of abstinence for him and unbeknownst to him, I know part of the story why thanks to Google….

By the way, watch the video “I Just Had Sex”.  Absolutely Fucking Hilarious.

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