"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for August, 2014

Here for the Party

I may not be a ten but the boys say i clean up good
And if i gave em half a chance for some rowdy romance you know they would
Ive been waiting all week just to have a good time
So bring on them cowboys and their pick up lines

Gretchen Wilson

My new strategy is to get off on-line dating for awhile and try just being more social by doing the things I enjoy.  This includes an upcoming group hike, a charity event, trivia night at a local pub, some business networking events and that’s just for starters.  One thing for sure – I know how to have fun, so I need to get my lazy butt off the couch and get going.

I put this new approach into play yesterday.  I like college football, so I decided my reward for an afternoon of errands and cleaning up my home office was to walk over to a nearby restaurant to watch some college football and have dinner.  When I first plopped down at the bar, I wasn’t sure.  The folks at the bars consisted of a couple and some young guys at the end.  Oh well, I’m here for the football anyway, so I sit directly in front of the TV screens.  After about 15 minutes, two guys in my targeted demographic come up to the bar and are hesitating.  I ask them if they would like me to move over so they can sit down.  “That would be great, thanks so much.”  We end up chatting, one is an alumni from one of my favorite teams.  Then I end up chatting with the guy on the other side of me.  He’s older than I thought (his rasta locks fooled me from behind).  We end up in a rousing conversation with his friends about Johnny Quest, Speed Racer, Scooby Doo…you get it.  That folds in the guys to my right.  It was a great evening and I leave on a high note.  OK, so both are married, however, I did get a strong business lead from them so at least I get to write off dinner. …

Here’s my lesson learned:  the past two out of two times I go into a restaurant with a good bar area, I meet good guys (for my first time, click here).  Guess where I’ll be hanging out now…

 

Say Hello, Good-Bye

Take your hands
Off me, please
I don’t belong to you, you see
Take a look in my face
For the last time
I never knew you
You never knew me
Say hello, goodbye

Soft Cell

In the course of my 25 year marriage, it was difficult for me to say no.  If I said no to my ex, it was an explosion of anger, confrontation and just general unpleasantness.  It was never pretty.  He is extremely controlling, so in order to keep the peace, I found myself lying constantly.  Mostly white lies, but sometimes the occasional whopper.  I’m not proud of my actions (or lack thereof).  Towards the end of my marriage, I had had enough and would simply walk out of the house or start screaming back.  Neither were effective solutions, but I did feel better about putting my foot down.

Obviously when you are in this tough situation at home, it bleeds over to your professional life.  I would be non-confrontational as much as possible because in my mind, I thought that everyone would react as irrationally angry as my ex.  Oh yeah, I am a clear cut case of emotional abuse.  What I have been learning over the 1-1/2 years of moving out, is that folks are pretty rational and I can have a confrontation without someone screaming in my face.  Wow, eye-opening.

I am an intelligent woman and I read people very well, but this is  my Achilles heel – my need to please and avoid confrontation.  It shows up primarily in my personal relationships, however, now I am improving my ability to say no and address issues head on.  I realize that I am a work in progress on this issue.

All of this is background on dealing with Soldier Boy.  My alarm bells begin ringing when he texts me that he masturbated to my photo –really, my headshot is that much of a turn-on?  You have to be kidding me.  I am no Heidi Klum or whatever A list celebrity you fancy.  Then I read a great post on BetterAfter50 by Sandy Weiner who was responding to a question about how to deal with a guy coming on too strong.

Boom – Soldier Boy was guilty of all four counts from her blog.  Thank you, Sandy!!  It was time to cut him off.  Add to the fact that we had one phone conversation and he later texts me that he had been drinking prior to talking to me.  Alcohol is a big issue for me.  I’m no prude, and enjoy a cocktail or two, but my ex had a drinking problem.  Wow, poor ex, I am really hanging his dirty laundry out to dry tonight.  Anyway, my response to Soldier Boy is “no inebriated texting”.  The next day, I know I have to stop this immediately and not allow it to go any further.   But during my morning dog walk, I wrestle with how to do this.  I realize that the Pleaser, non-confronting side of me is rising to the surface.  Why the fuck do I care what this crazy guy thinks?   I give myself the day to think.  I get a text from him asking if I’m busy or if I’m just not talking to him anymore.  Here’s what I send him:

Today was pretty busy & I’ve been reflecting on our conversations.  I’m getting the feeling that because you are coming on strong, you perhaps aren’t fully seeing me, but perhaps projecting an ideal onto me that I’m not.  I just divorced an alcoholic so I’m not interested in anyone who is drinking beyond an occasional beer or two.  I say let’s leave it at that and I wish you all the best.

He responds back:  That sounds reasonable.  Good luck in your endeavors.

Wow, a normal, rational conversation.  Nobody wigged out, nobody goes postal.  So this is how adults behave?  Amazing.

Next on deck – good-by to Dos Equis.  I’ve decided this week that a purely sexual  relationship is no good and it won’t’ leave me available to the right guy.  Poor Dos Equis, he’s been nothing but my guinea pig.  My experiment for sex (yep, I still got it) and now my experiment for discarding (sorry, I can’t even call this a break-up because I don’t feel like we’re even dating).

Tomorrow I’ll share my next strategy for meeting a hopefully normal guy.

Born in the USA

Sent me off to a foreign land to go and kill the yellow man
Born in the U.S.A.
I was born in the U.S.A.
I was born in the U.S.A.

Bruce Springsteen

I’ve got a new prospect in my dating world.  Let’s call him Soldier Boy (SB).  I was up trolling on POF and sent out a message to SB just a hello.  He lives in my part of town and looked interesting.  Somehow I am drawn to the testosterone-driven.  He’s full time in the reserves, Special Ops, done three tours in Iraq/Afghanistan, been divorced since 2008.  I’m sure that he was a handful for his ex-wife – God bless her because I don’t think I am capable of being a military wife.

We’ve been texting, starting on the POF message board, but I grew tired of it and we switched to direct texting.  This go round I am trying something new – keeping it PG and not jumping into the sexting.  Plus we have about three weeks before he returns to town, so that gives us time to get acquainted.

Last night we had a funny exchange.  We were going through likes and dislikes (or at least I was), he veered off and said “I want to find that lady that has the same interests as me.  Loves me as much as I do her and I can’t live without her.  That’s #1 on the list.”

I responded, “Ahhh, a romantic, I’m touched.”  Then I went on, “At the end of the day, I think we all want that person who we connect with & who truly “gets” us. That and great compatibility in the bedroom.  Essential.”  Hey, a girl needs to define her objectives.

Now keep in mind in between these texts, we are discussing sports we like.  He comes back with this, “True.  If one partner has a much higher drive than the other it gets difficult for both.”

I respond, “Agreed & partners have to be good, giving & game.  Dan Savage – ever heard of him?”  He doesn’t know him.  I respond, “That’s your homework.  It’s past my bedtime & tomorrow is hectic.” 

He texts back, “With all the nutty things I’ve done in Special Forces my T (as in testosterone) has remained high.  So as history shows I’ve been….”

I text back, “Go on…”

He responds, “OK here it is.  High sex drive.  Now I’ll never hear from you again.”

Ok followers, we all know that this doesn’t faze me in the least.  I respond, “LMAO.  Do your homework…we’ll talk about it tomorrow.”  I sign off and go to bed, but hear my phone ping.  I ignore it because I really do need my beauty sleep.

The next morning I awake to this text from SB, “Dan Savage.  Oh my. I read a bunch of passages.  Any one in particular that you suggest?”  That text is followed by a “Good morning sunshine”.

I respond with, “I just came back from walking my dog & saw your texts.  LMAO.  Great job on doing your homework so quickly.  Here’s my point about my buddy, Dan.  I’m pretty open minded – I have no kinks or fetishes – but as I mentioned before, I agree with Dan that partners need to be good, giving, game.  I’ll also throw my poor ex under the bus & confess he had none of those qualities.  There you have it.”  Then I continue rapidly with another text, “But let me caution you, sir.  There is no hopping in bed the moment we meet.  I want to get to know you – the real you—first.  You gotta earn it :)”

He did well in the next exchange: “That thought never crossed my mind.”

Me:  “Right – I’m sure in the back of your mind lurked a hopeful teenage boy :)”

SB: “That’s something a young man would deduct from our conversation.  I’m more of a giver than a taker too.”

Me:  “Ahhh – now we’re talking”

SB: “I’ll make sure you’re fully satiated before I am”

Me: “That’s what I want but I’m going to retreat to higher ground for now.  Do you cook?”

We are working through a list of standard questions.  Let’s see where it goes, but it’s good for me to practice starting slow and working my way up.

Crush

I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time
Deep inside it was a rush
What a rush

David Archuleta

I have a crush on an out-of-town client, so I was waiting until after his visit to opine on the topic of work crushes, etc.  But today’s visit was so quick and we were surrounded by others the entire time that I couldn’t get a sense on if we had a connection still or not.  I felt a bit robbed because it was wham, bam, gotta go and I always love when this client and his partners roll into town.  Unfortunately I have done such a good job for them that it leaves us with little to discuss so they allocate their time accordingly.

But crushes are a part of life.  I think that Dan Savage has a great approach to crushes.  He advises that you take that sexual energy home and fuck the brains out of your significant other.  Dan also is a practical guy in understanding that crushes don’t mean you are in love and this is the person for the rest of your life.

My crush was slow in coming.  It happened when we had to work very closely on a project that required very long hours, a lot of communication and the high excitement of a huge deal.  It was flattering to be appreciated for the skills I brought to the project.  He was brilliant, thoughtful and has always been a genuinely nice guy.  He’s very happily married and I have a policy of not messing with anyone’s marriage plus clients are always taboo.  He’s got a killer sense of humor and is very comfortable in his own skin.  Sigh, why does it seem all the good ones are married?

The crush exploded right at the point we completed the big project and my marriage imploded as my ex reacted to my biggest career success with jealously and tried to ruin my moment.  I had shit at home and basking adoration at work – what would you do?  Yep, totally have a big crush.  Fortunately he lives far away and I was seeing a therapist, so everything stayed in perspective.

But then I have moments when I ask myself, “Am I seeing things?”  He now keeps our conversations almost exclusively to emails or texts.  Telephone conversations are rare.  Comments he makes,  texts he sends and I have to check myself.  Remind myself that I surely must be reading too much into this (he is a really nice guy) and he’s unavailable, so don’t get him into any trouble with his wife.  Sometimes, like today, I stand too close to him and sit beside him at lunch just because…and then I wonder, does he have a crush on me?

Sexual Healing

Ooh, now let’s get down tonight
Baby I’m hot just like an oven
I need some lovin’
And baby, I can’t hold it much longer
It’s getting stronger and stronger
And when I get that feeling
I want Sexual Healing
Sexual Healing, oh baby
Makes me feel so fine
Helps to relieve my mind
Sexual Healing baby, is good for me

Marvin Gaye

Work was really hectic this week and I had intense after hours events on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. That left me wiped out by Friday, and it also meant I didn’t have much flirt time for either Dos Equis or DB (who keeps popping up). This lack of communication gave me space to question my decision to be involved with Dos Equis. Nothing stifles my sex drive like feeling like I’m being played or used and his job situation is a tricky one for me. Then the weekend rolls around, I spend a quiet Friday night with a great chick flick, red wine and Ben & Jerry’s. Ahhh, battery re-charging. Saturday was spent with gym, relaxing, reading followed by an evening of live music performed by a friend of a friend (she was quite good). Ahhh, battery charged. So on Sunday, I’m over to Dos Equis for an afternoon of watching golf and sex.

My new JimmyJane sex toys arrived on Saturday. Being greedy, I got both the Form 2 and Form 3, so I got them charged up on Saturday while I was out. I experimented briefly with the Form 2 on Saturday night when I got back home, but I was tired, not feeling overly adventurous, so I was disappointed quite frankly. But I learned today, that the Form 2 in the right hands is a wonderous thing. Dos Equis loves a gadget and he quickly got busy figuring out what modes turned me on the most. He is a very generous, giving guy in bed – 180 degrees from my ex. Dos Equis goes down on me continually; my ex would NEVER after the first 2-3 years of marriage.

Sex was great today. Dos Equis finally had an orgasm – we had fun. I learned that I need to tell him exactly when I’m cuming — he can’t read my mind (imagine that). Then immediately after great sex, he wants to know how he’s doing. Apparently his ex had described their sex life as fine (women, we know the meaning behind the word “fine”). She told him sex wasn’t the reason behind her divorce request. He also said once she came, she wouldn’t want him to touch him. One orgasm – period. WTF, why stop there? I’m a greedy bitch – give me as many as you are willing to provide. When I got home, I sent him a text: Act 1: 3 times, Act 2: 2 times. I tell him he’s sexy – he is to me. This guy is great in bed, if we can keep his dick hard longer, he would be amazing.

After Act 2, he wants to sit and dissect the final months of his marriage. He’s seeking clarity and closure. I let him talk and it didn’t bother me because he obviously needed to talk.  No mention of his teen-age girl incident….but I have to say, the ex had her own issues (don’t we all). I still stand by my snobby position that this is not a guy I’ll date – he’s not one I would take home to mother or friends, but Dos Equis seems to be a good guy, with a big heart. So at the end of the day on Sunday, I sit here sexually sated but realizing that neither one of these men (Dos Equis or DB) is my next serious relationship and I’m OK with that.

We’ll Meet Again

We’ll meet again
Don’t know where
Don’t know when
But I know
We’ll meet again
Some sunny day

 Johnny Cash

Last night I went to the mall to pick up a birthday gift for a girlfriend.  I stopped by PF Chang’s for a glass of wine and lettuce wraps (I love their lettuce wraps).  I prefer to sit at the bar because the bartenders are friendly, I can watch TV and usually chat with someone interesting.  I sashay into the bar and notice:  two women, a couple and a guy sitting by himself.  Cute guy, age appropriate, directly in front of the TV…hmmm.  As you can probably tell, I’m not shy.  I go over and plop next to him.  No buffer chair – next to him.  I ask him if the seat is taken, nope.

I order my wine and lettuce wraps, check my phone, sign my birthday card and generally mind my own business.  I couldn’t decide if he would be a snob if I approached him.  Then he gets hot tea in the cool teapot.  He tells the bartender how much he loves their tea.  I say that it’s probably because of the cool teapot – he laughs and agrees.  We end up chatting for about 20-30 minutes.  He’s an educator and interestingly enough one of the courses he teaches is a mandatory divorce class for parents and kids.

We discuss how we each handled our divorces and kids.  Chat about watches, shopping (I show him the gift I got my girlfriend).  He’s seeking gift ideas for a woman whose birthday is Friday.  We have a grand old time.  Meanwhile my girlfriend is texting me on my ETA, so it’s time for me to go.   I hand him my business card and tell him that if he has any friends, I would love to meet them and if he needs help shopping, to give me a call.  Then I sashay back out into the night….will he call???

Manners

Manners
Take a second look and you’ll see
There is no one like me
Manners
You better reconsider
Cause you will never do better

Icona Pop

Harsh – wow, this Plenty of Fish ability to see if your message is read can be sobering.  Thank goodness my skin is already as thick as an elephant.  Actually, I was chuckling when I saw that out of five messages I sent to new guys over the weekend, two were read and then deleted, one was unread and deleted and the final two have only been read.  Out of all five, not one has messaged me back.  Is chivalry or basic good manners dead?  It is the classic “do unto others” lesson for me.

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