"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Happy WP Anniversary

It has now been 3 years of posting my thoughts, feelings and adventures.  What a journey.  I’m sitting outside this morning catching my breath and re-grouping. But I wanted to take a moment to thank my Dear Readers for being an unexpected part of my journey.  I blog for myself in order to gain some clarity, but along the way I found a community of other soul-searchers.  Thank you for your comments, thank you for reading and writing your own blogs.  I have learned a lot.

Have a beautiful day and life.

The Hunter is Smart

This week I am in the trenches fighting.  I am doing the hard slog of defending my position, covering my rear flank and aggressively pushing forward.  I had a couple of brilliant ideas that are bearing fruit now and will be amazing in 2018.  But right now I am an Amazon warrior and not to be trifled with.  The Hunter found this out this week.

My son is wrapping up his internship and next week will be heading back to college.  He doesn’t like the Hunter.  Let’s not mince words.  They don’t have common ground and it’s clear that the Hunter and I fuck, which is definitely uncomfortable for adult children when they are living under the same roof.  We also didn’t help matters by not wanting his girlfriend to hang around here for days while he is working — too awkward when we are working from home.  My son is an introvert of the 9th degree, so sometimes you have to pry things out of him.

This week the Hunter got annoyed, then mad because my son doesn’t even talk to him.  Didn’t acknowledge him with a “Good morning” as he spoke to me.  I have to agree that my son was embarrassingly rude, which reflects poorly on me as his parent.  The Hunter wanted a big pow wow, but his timing was poor. I came home at 8:30 with the prospect of another 2 hours of work.  As I sat in the car to gather my thoughts, the garage door goes up and there is the Hunter.  He wants to have his confrontation NOW.

I look at him and his eyes are redder than a rose.  “Have you been smoking?”  He counters, “Why does that matter?”  I tell him that there will be no conversations with my son that night.  I have work to do and I am not doing this while he is stoned.  We will do this tomorrow, I tell him.

I march off to my office to crank out the necessary paperwork that is pending.  My son comes in and we chat about the situation.  It’s an awkward conversation for him, easy for me because I know his answers before he states them and we get it pretty much resolved/aired out.  He leaves for school in a week, we just need to get through these last couple of days.

The next morning I am bustling around to get out for a big meeting.  The Hunter and I begin talking and he gets mad that I already spoke to my son.  He’s walking out of the room as I am speaking, so I find myself yelling.  He walks back in “Are we fighting about your son?”  I said no, I am simply trying to explain my side.  I leave.  He sends me a text 30 minutes later about not giving him the opportunity to state his case.  Yep, that’s because it’s my son and that relationship trumps my relationship with the Hunter.  Instead I stay silent.  Which was the smart choice because I had a full day of arguing with attorneys and strenuously defending my position on a number of things.  I was full of piss & vinegar all day, so I knew better than to talk about anything with family when my Amazon is at full power.

He must have re-thought his position because he did some really nice things for me after that text.  He took my elderly Lhasa Apso to be groomed (which was long overdue), made a beautiful dinner, coaxed me out on a lovely bike ride and fucked me really good.  Smart man.  Smart man because the reason I had been late the night before was because I had a long bitch session with my BFF who is contemplating ending her relationship and moving the West Coast.  She and I were discussing the merits of her relationship and then my relationship.  We discussed the question of if I was done and when would be the appropriate time to pull the plug.  I’ll dissect that and write some more.  In the meantime, all is quiet here.  Everyone is playing nicely and I am kicking some serious ass in my business world. I got fucked great last night, so I feel wonderful.  Now, I need to put on my armor and get back out on the battlefield.

Still Rowing

It’s funny how my work is never a level line, but jumps up and down sometimes in the span of minutes.  I took some time to do a mid-year review to check on how things have been and how things are going.  It’s OK.  I’m not setting the world on fire, but I’m making consistent progress.  It’s a marathon, not a sprint I remind myself.

Last week I was feeling off, waking to a headache/slight migraine most mornings.  It took me a couple of hours to shake it off and I still felt icky the rest of the day.  I had a networking event at a business conference where I didn’t know a single soul and it was tough.  I met a couple of nice ladies, but for the most part, it was a bust.

Then in the rollercoaster of my work, I go back the next day for a luncheon, miss the keynote speaker, think the whole thing is a waste of $$ until I see one person I know.  Lo and behold he introduces me to someone great, we are meeting tomorrow and I see a potential series of speaking engagements.  Let’s see how that goes.

I guess I shouldn’t bitch and moan, but hey, it’s one of the reasons I have a blog.  I get a bit frustrated and impatient, but I think that’s normal.  I went to my Weight Watchers this week and the new leader asked for a one-word description of our July.  Mine was “undisciplined”.  I know the things I need to do.  I know I need a firm schedule.  That pertains to both work and weight loss.  Yet I don’t do it.  OK, I’m not in the horrible funk I was in last year and I am doing quite a few things correctly, but once again I am being hard on myself and feel like I’m not doing enough.

I did say “No” this week to an organization.  I have been sitting on the Board for years and now they asked me to run sponsorship.  Now?  When I am starting my own business, you want me to ask companies for money for you?  It’s not even a charity — it’s a professional organization with $100K in the bank.  Sorry, but I have to put my oxygen mask on first, thank you very much.  It felt good and I knew I did the right thing.

I am fine.  I just need to keep rowing because I am in the middle of the ocean with no shore in sight.  The only way to be successful or even just earn enough money to pay the bills and stay afloat is to keep on plugging away.

 

FlipFlops

I had another dream.  Let’s pause for a moment — I usually don’t remember my dreams, so the fact that I’m remembering my dreams this week is remarkable in itself, but back to our scheduled post.  The dream was about me in a group of folks, a business meeting/gathering of a sort.  We were milling around, looking at a very large, newly designed commercial space.  I remember looking at the ceiling — it was a cool design of two wooden squares constructed of beams — kind of like a pergola but inside some type of hip, lofty space.  The focus of the dream was my shoes or rather my flipflops.  I was having shoe issues — one broke.  It was all torn up and when I pulled it off, I realized that it wasn’t my shoe at all and I was relieved, but also like, “Hey, what the heck?!”.  So, hey, what the heck does that all mean?

Back to my internet searching.  In general, shoes represent your approach to life. If you are forgetting shoes (which was part of my dream), you are leaving behind your inhibitions and refusing to conform to some idea/attitude.  I would agree with that because, heck, I was wearing flipflops in a business setting!

To see old and worn shoes, indicates that you will find success through hard work and diligence.  You have come to terms about who you are. To dream about inappropriate shoes for the occasion means that your progress and path in life will be long, hard and laborious.  Amen, sister.  That I agree with 100%.  I think part of wearing someone else’s shoes is about conforming to other people’s old, outdated expectations.   It could also mean you are headed in the wrong direction….hmmm, nope, I don’t think that’s it.

To see flipflops in your dream indicates you are feeling relaxed and at ease….or maybe you are indecisive about some issue/decision.   Yesterday was a good day.  I had a meeting with a potential new client that at the end of the day isn’t going to generate income.  I probably shouldn’t have taken the meeting, but I was itching to get out of the house.  They were great, very interesting and although it won’t result in immediate wealth and riches, they are good people to know.  I also got a couple of meeting invitations — always a good thing.  I ended the day late, but feeling relaxed and productive. Hmmm, but was my subconscious thinking about flipflops because the Kracken destroyed one of the Hunter’s new ones?  Oh yeah, the Kracken wreaked havoc on one of his shoes.  Although I was sad for the Hunter, I also had a glimmer of malicious satisfaction thinking, “Yep, you left them out overnight.”

flipflops

Nope, these aren’t the Hunters, but my dream flipflops broke the same spot…but were all navy blue which is what I wear around the house.

Thank you, DreamMoods.   Now, a message to my subconscious — how about some sexy Freudian dreams?  That would be fun!  OK, enough shadow dancing, let me get back to my hard labor.

black snakeI had a very vivid dream last night about a black venomous snake.  The snake wasn’t hidden or slithering that much.  It was actually in a box and then it got out.  Other people around me were afraid of it and looking to me to handle the situation.  It was dangerous, I remember acknowledging that, but I felt in control of the situation and in charge of the snake.

The climax of the dream was that I was lying down preparing to go to sleep and the snake, which was still loose, comes up to me.  I open my eyes and it is by my face rearing up to prepare to strike.  I grab it behind its head and squeeze it tightly.  I get up and declare the I am going to kill this snake.  It no longer deserves to live, but I decide I won’t kill it.  I feel strong and powerful in my dream.  I woke up feeling like quite a badass.

What does all of this mean in my particular situation?  The Google wizards provided a host of websites and they provided some insight.

  • I’m sure it’s not Freudian — it’s phallic shape representing sex.  I am having some great sex but I’m not feeling temptation, repression or anything sexual.  This probably would have been a much more interesting post if it was sexual, so sorry, Dear Readers.
  • Snakes refer to hidden threats.  If the snake bites me then the dream is trying to alert me of something in my waking life that I am not aware of.  If I kill the snake, then this threat has passed or I have overcome it.  That’s interesting because apparently I am in the processing of overcoming it because I didn’t kill it, even thought I could???  I think this represents me controlling my anxiety, which I did last night by going to the gym and having a strong workout.
  • Snakes refer to fear ( and once again for me it’s that awful anxiety again).  They are unpredictable and can strike at any time without warning.  In this situation, the snake may represent something that is unpredictable or out of control.  I could be afraid of the unknown.  With my pipeline virtually empty of new clients (even though I have some great leads with some good potential but a very loooong timeline), I have been having anxiety about work, so I would agree with this.
  • Snakes can point to my creativity and potential (although I doubt that since I was squeezing it’s head and threatening to kill it).
  • Snakes tend to show up in dreams in times of transition and transformation.  A black snake is the dark power of deep transformations from my subconscious. The snake can indicate that I am in the process of healing and transforming.  I agree with this 100% since I am four years out from ending a 25-year marriage and now creating the life I want.
  • A black snake showing up in a dream means I am dealing with a difficult situation, unsettling emotions and I am having a power struggle in my waking life.  They can represent sadness and anxiety in my case.  This would be my work anxiety of late.  Absolutely agree 100% again.  Yesterday I was feeling a bit frustrated and anxious at the end of the day.
  • A key point is to remember is that a serpent in my sleep means I am symbolically receiving a wake up call from my subconscious.  
  • Black snake could be symbol of rejected aspects of my personality.  Points to a dimension of myself that has been avoided and needs to be exposed and dealt with.  Hmmm, that could be with my business development stuff and my relationship with money….
  • Black snakes represent a threat.  It could be challenging and I’m avoiding it.

I think that the snake is my anxiety and by not killing it, I am allowing myself to be anxious, but I am not allowing it to control me.  In conversations with Robin and my business coach today, I described my current state of affairs as being in the wide open ocean and I have to keep rowing because that is the only way to get to the shore.

So let me get back to rowing and kicking the ass of those black snakes…..

 

It’s My Birthday

Here I sit at a luxurious hotel pool in a sprawling daybed after a morning of indulgent spa treatments. Delicious.  There is nothing like the luxury of a high-end hotel.  I feel cosseted, rich and special.  The Hunter dropped me off partly to borrow my car but also to make me feel cared for.  My morning began with a huge bunch of sunflowers – a fave.

I am 4 years out from exiting my marriage.  I was thinking about that first birthday on my own.  I hadn’t started blogging. I made it special because I did what I wanted. A lovely massage where I cried tears of joy at my new freedom (I tipped the poor, confused masseuse well). I threw a great dinner party with a Southern theme and a hunky chef who made us all help (it was a quasi cooking class with copious amounts of wine). The next day I left on a 10-day road trip with my son & his BFF. We had a blast and I crossed the Len Hike Inn off my bucket list.

What a journey. Tomorrow I am having dinner with some dear friends at a restaurant that features live jazz – that is the Hunter’s gift to me. I spent the 4th having fun at a laidback, quirky town event followed by beach – I was in heaven.

Although I don’t have the income I want (patience & perseverance will prevail) and my current living quarters are not a home, my son living with us for the summer is proving to be a bit cramping on my sexual side, All of those things are temporary. I have my health, the Hunter and am surrounded by love.I feel relaxed and strong. 

I Need a Hobby

I was watching the HBO documentary “Read the Obits Before Breakfast” which features Carl Reiner and a bunch of 90-year-old youngsters discussing how they are so vibrant at such an advanced age.  They interviewed a geriatric expert for scientific background.  It all came down to staying busy and having a passion.

I don’t really have a passion – a hobby.  I putter on this blog, read, go to the gym and beach irregularly, but I don’t have that consuming passion.  In my youth, I took piano lessons for a year before switching to the violin for about 5 years.  I wasn’t a prodigy and just sawed away in the 2nd section quite contentedly.  I loved horseback riding but never had the mount or means to test my limits.  I ended up doing a lot of trail-riding although I dreamed of long-distance endurance competitions.  Horses are also way beyond my budget these days.

I enjoyed photography in college but not passionately.   With the kids, I sat on the sidelines of  ballet, soccer, flag football (all short-lived), lots of baseball, tons of horse shows and lacrosse.  I had no desire to jump in, with the exception of a brief equine flirtation.  

I’m boring.  When I moved out and got divorced, I thought it would be hiking.  I like hiking a lot, but it’s not my passion.  I have no interest in volunteer work – I did 2 petition drives this year and I’m done with that.  I need something that excites me like hunting for the Hunter.  He is all excited about his Fall hunt. He’s scouting, planning and I’m so happy for him. But what about me?

Let me think about it and I’ll report back……

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