"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

FlipFlops

I had another dream.  Let’s pause for a moment — I usually don’t remember my dreams, so the fact that I’m remembering my dreams this week is remarkable in itself, but back to our scheduled post.  The dream was about me in a group of folks, a business meeting/gathering of a sort.  We were milling around, looking at a very large, newly designed commercial space.  I remember looking at the ceiling — it was a cool design of two wooden squares constructed of beams — kind of like a pergola but inside some type of hip, lofty space.  The focus of the dream was my shoes or rather my flipflops.  I was having shoe issues — one broke.  It was all torn up and when I pulled it off, I realized that it wasn’t my shoe at all and I was relieved, but also like, “Hey, what the heck?!”.  So, hey, what the heck does that all mean?

Back to my internet searching.  In general, shoes represent your approach to life. If you are forgetting shoes (which was part of my dream), you are leaving behind your inhibitions and refusing to conform to some idea/attitude.  I would agree with that because, heck, I was wearing flipflops in a business setting!

To see old and worn shoes, indicates that you will find success through hard work and diligence.  You have come to terms about who you are. To dream about inappropriate shoes for the occasion means that your progress and path in life will be long, hard and laborious.  Amen, sister.  That I agree with 100%.  I think part of wearing someone else’s shoes is about conforming to other people’s old, outdated expectations.   It could also mean you are headed in the wrong direction….hmmm, nope, I don’t think that’s it.

To see flipflops in your dream indicates you are feeling relaxed and at ease….or maybe you are indecisive about some issue/decision.   Yesterday was a good day.  I had a meeting with a potential new client that at the end of the day isn’t going to generate income.  I probably shouldn’t have taken the meeting, but I was itching to get out of the house.  They were great, very interesting and although it won’t result in immediate wealth and riches, they are good people to know.  I also got a couple of meeting invitations — always a good thing.  I ended the day late, but feeling relaxed and productive. Hmmm, but was my subconscious thinking about flipflops because the Kracken destroyed one of the Hunter’s new ones?  Oh yeah, the Kracken wreaked havoc on one of his shoes.  Although I was sad for the Hunter, I also had a glimmer of malicious satisfaction thinking, “Yep, you left them out overnight.”

flipflops

Nope, these aren’t the Hunters, but my dream flipflops broke the same spot…but were all navy blue which is what I wear around the house.

Thank you, DreamMoods.   Now, a message to my subconscious — how about some sexy Freudian dreams?  That would be fun!  OK, enough shadow dancing, let me get back to my hard labor.

black snakeI had a very vivid dream last night about a black venomous snake.  The snake wasn’t hidden or slithering that much.  It was actually in a box and then it got out.  Other people around me were afraid of it and looking to me to handle the situation.  It was dangerous, I remember acknowledging that, but I felt in control of the situation and in charge of the snake.

The climax of the dream was that I was lying down preparing to go to sleep and the snake, which was still loose, comes up to me.  I open my eyes and it is by my face rearing up to prepare to strike.  I grab it behind its head and squeeze it tightly.  I get up and declare the I am going to kill this snake.  It no longer deserves to live, but I decide I won’t kill it.  I feel strong and powerful in my dream.  I woke up feeling like quite a badass.

What does all of this mean in my particular situation?  The Google wizards provided a host of websites and they provided some insight.

  • I’m sure it’s not Freudian — it’s phallic shape representing sex.  I am having some great sex but I’m not feeling temptation, repression or anything sexual.  This probably would have been a much more interesting post if it was sexual, so sorry, Dear Readers.
  • Snakes refer to hidden threats.  If the snake bites me then the dream is trying to alert me of something in my waking life that I am not aware of.  If I kill the snake, then this threat has passed or I have overcome it.  That’s interesting because apparently I am in the processing of overcoming it because I didn’t kill it, even thought I could???  I think this represents me controlling my anxiety, which I did last night by going to the gym and having a strong workout.
  • Snakes refer to fear ( and once again for me it’s that awful anxiety again).  They are unpredictable and can strike at any time without warning.  In this situation, the snake may represent something that is unpredictable or out of control.  I could be afraid of the unknown.  With my pipeline virtually empty of new clients (even though I have some great leads with some good potential but a very loooong timeline), I have been having anxiety about work, so I would agree with this.
  • Snakes can point to my creativity and potential (although I doubt that since I was squeezing it’s head and threatening to kill it).
  • Snakes tend to show up in dreams in times of transition and transformation.  A black snake is the dark power of deep transformations from my subconscious. The snake can indicate that I am in the process of healing and transforming.  I agree with this 100% since I am four years out from ending a 25-year marriage and now creating the life I want.
  • A black snake showing up in a dream means I am dealing with a difficult situation, unsettling emotions and I am having a power struggle in my waking life.  They can represent sadness and anxiety in my case.  This would be my work anxiety of late.  Absolutely agree 100% again.  Yesterday I was feeling a bit frustrated and anxious at the end of the day.
  • A key point is to remember is that a serpent in my sleep means I am symbolically receiving a wake up call from my subconscious.  
  • Black snake could be symbol of rejected aspects of my personality.  Points to a dimension of myself that has been avoided and needs to be exposed and dealt with.  Hmmm, that could be with my business development stuff and my relationship with money….
  • Black snakes represent a threat.  It could be challenging and I’m avoiding it.

I think that the snake is my anxiety and by not killing it, I am allowing myself to be anxious, but I am not allowing it to control me.  In conversations with Robin and my business coach today, I described my current state of affairs as being in the wide open ocean and I have to keep rowing because that is the only way to get to the shore.

So let me get back to rowing and kicking the ass of those black snakes…..

 

It’s My Birthday

Here I sit at a luxurious hotel pool in a sprawling daybed after a morning of indulgent spa treatments. Delicious.  There is nothing like the luxury of a high-end hotel.  I feel cosseted, rich and special.  The Hunter dropped me off partly to borrow my car but also to make me feel cared for.  My morning began with a huge bunch of sunflowers – a fave.

I am 4 years out from exiting my marriage.  I was thinking about that first birthday on my own.  I hadn’t started blogging. I made it special because I did what I wanted. A lovely massage where I cried tears of joy at my new freedom (I tipped the poor, confused masseuse well). I threw a great dinner party with a Southern theme and a hunky chef who made us all help (it was a quasi cooking class with copious amounts of wine). The next day I left on a 10-day road trip with my son & his BFF. We had a blast and I crossed the Len Hike Inn off my bucket list.

What a journey. Tomorrow I am having dinner with some dear friends at a restaurant that features live jazz – that is the Hunter’s gift to me. I spent the 4th having fun at a laidback, quirky town event followed by beach – I was in heaven.

Although I don’t have the income I want (patience & perseverance will prevail) and my current living quarters are not a home, my son living with us for the summer is proving to be a bit cramping on my sexual side, All of those things are temporary. I have my health, the Hunter and am surrounded by love.I feel relaxed and strong. 

I Need a Hobby

I was watching the HBO documentary “Read the Obits Before Breakfast” which features Carl Reiner and a bunch of 90-year-old youngsters discussing how they are so vibrant at such an advanced age.  They interviewed a geriatric expert for scientific background.  It all came down to staying busy and having a passion.

I don’t really have a passion – a hobby.  I putter on this blog, read, go to the gym and beach irregularly, but I don’t have that consuming passion.  In my youth, I took piano lessons for a year before switching to the violin for about 5 years.  I wasn’t a prodigy and just sawed away in the 2nd section quite contentedly.  I loved horseback riding but never had the mount or means to test my limits.  I ended up doing a lot of trail-riding although I dreamed of long-distance endurance competitions.  Horses are also way beyond my budget these days.

I enjoyed photography in college but not passionately.   With the kids, I sat on the sidelines of  ballet, soccer, flag football (all short-lived), lots of baseball, tons of horse shows and lacrosse.  I had no desire to jump in, with the exception of a brief equine flirtation.  

I’m boring.  When I moved out and got divorced, I thought it would be hiking.  I like hiking a lot, but it’s not my passion.  I have no interest in volunteer work – I did 2 petition drives this year and I’m done with that.  I need something that excites me like hunting for the Hunter.  He is all excited about his Fall hunt. He’s scouting, planning and I’m so happy for him. But what about me?

Let me think about it and I’ll report back……

I’m Fat

Yep I cannot ignore the scale, my non-fitting clothes or my flubber any longer.  I’m fat and I am perilously close to a weight I swore I would never see again.  I have gained 25 pounds since the Hunter entered my life.  WTF

I know how it happened.  The first 6 months or so we ate, smoked pot, ate some more and trust me we weren’t noshing on carrot sticks.  I quit the gym. I ignored the creeping pounds.  The Hunter gained weight too but he has shed it effortlessly.  

Then I hit my funk – more food to fill the emptiness.  Next came the stress of moving, the Hunter’s job situation, both of us starting our own companies and that kept the scale moving up. Add in the delicious, but not healthy, meals the Hunter prepares. It’s been a perfect storm, but now it’s time to get serious.

I tried the Fasting/One Meal a Day of no-carb, high fat diet/lifestyle but that sucked.  Not for me.  

Instead I been going to the gym and over the past couple of weeks my attendance continues to improve.  I’m really out of shape, so I’m trying to be patient and not be hard on myself. My next step was to rejoin Weight Watchers after a 15 year hiatus.  My first meeting was tonight.  I’ll try a couple of meetings until I find the right group, but I need the accountability.  WW has changed a few things so I’m re-learning parts of the program.  

It sure was easy to get to this point, but it won’t be easy to correct. Once again I need patience,  action steps and kindness to myself.  

I’m Learning

My business world is such a quirky, not-normal one.  We like to pretend we are normal and a necessary component of any legit business, but we are a strange bunch.  Entrepreneurial, merciless, and smart — oftentimes a lethal combination.  This week I was at a lovely cocktail party of my tribe and found a whole crop of newbies.  Fascinating.  I have a pragmatic trait of not noticing newbies until they have made it past their first year — why waste my time?  I love the hypocrisy of my buddies telling one newbie that his mentor/team leader is a great guy (he’s not — a complete ruthless asshole) and that he’ll learn a lot from them (only how to be screwed over).   I wanted to tell the kid to make sure that he gets everything in writing up front, but hey, why be a downer when the free alcohol is flowing?

This week was good and flew by without me getting through my To Do list.  Of course, I am not helping matters as I sit here and write, but hey, it’s Friday so WTF and TGIF!  I am trying to get back on a regular schedule and actually made it to the gym pretty regularly and I’m feeling great.  Still fluffy and not losing weight, but hey, I have to remember to be patient.

I continue to find my relationship with the Hunter so interesting as I look from the outside in.  If we had met anytime before now (aka before empty nest), I doubt I would have been interested.  During my previous stage in life, a Provider was key to me.  That’s why I didn’t leave my Ex — I liked the $$ in the bank and the security he provided.  But I digress — sorry, but my writing today is wandering all over the place in some random free thought streams.  I actually just wrote two paragraphs that are going onto another post because it’s off topic.  Wait, do I even have a topic today?  I digress further…

Oh, yeah, the Hunter and our relationship!  We are in a comfortable place.  I am learning that I am a stronger force than I thought.  I am learning to sit back and let other people take care of me.  I am learning to talk about my anxieties and concerns because he (and my dear friends) will provide the love and support to talk me off the ledge.  I am learning that I will be a great success — just like my affirmations tell me — but I have to be patient a bit longer. I am learning to say no to volunteer projects that suck my time (I just bequeathed a great one to Robin — she needs this to get out more anyway),  I am learning that I am not a domestic goddess in any way, shape or form, so I just need to give up that charade and move on. I am learning that the Hunter is a good man with dreams and hopes that are finally coming true.  I am learning to trust him completely and to never be afraid to tell him anything (scars from my past life are healing).

A year ago I was in a different place.  One of apprehensive excitement because both the Hunter and I were launching our new companies.  Folks continue to shake their head in amazement at our courage (or foolishness) in starting two companies at the same time, but I like it because we both understand 100% what the other is feeling.  We are in a good place.  I’ve got $$ in the bank, Robin and I are finally splurging on haircuts after 6 months (LOL), the Hunter has a ton of meetings set up as a result of his smash hit presentation last week, I have a HUGE meeting next week with a potential new client as a result of my relentless marketing campaign (that shit really does work!).  Now my son needs to spend the weekend with his dad so I can fuck the Hunter silly this weekend.

 

Losing Sight of Shore

Losing Sight of Shore is an amazing documentary currently on Netflix. It is the story of the Coxless Crew – 4 women who ROWED across the Pacific from San Francisco to Cairns, Australia. They started with the quote “You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.” Of course that quote was Christopher Columbus, but I had never heard it before this documentary. Grab a bottle of wine and watch it – it’s amazing. These are among the bravest women I have ever seen.

final_ocean_quote_pictureIn any case, that quote has been rattling around my brain this week. It’s been a week of highs and lows. Let’s start with the lows and get them out of the way:
• I have been rejected for new business (OK, shit happens),
• Today marks the last day with a lovely client (I will miss them and the $$)
• A frenemy is riding that high of launching his own company and he’s on that early wave of beginner’s luck that I had. (My green-eyed monster reared its head.)
• I asked a long-ago boss for some business and he soundly rejected me, but I have to say the conversation was really constructive and he was kind enough to walk me through why he was saying no and he was right. (Life lesson, sigh).
• I can’t seem to get myself up on a consistent schedule/routine. I’m really frustrated about this.

Now let’s talk about the high’s for the week:
• I’m winning a new piece of business that isn’t easy, but it could be very cool with a nice payday.
• I have a new project that launched this week – also not easy but cool.
• The Hunter gave an amazing presentation to a small group of his ideal type of client and hit it out of the park.
• My son is hanging with us and it’s been lovely to see him
• I just had a lovely chat with a great friend and we made plans to see each other next week. She’s always a great inspiration and mentor to me.

I didn’t have a lot of wins, but these were good. It wasn’t a particularly busy week (another problem). I spent time on some things that I shouldn’t (correcting that course!). I didn’t spend time on things that do matter (like my cold calling course and other business development).

I am now headed out to sea without the shoreline in sight. I have very little to nothing in my pipeline. Yes, my bank account is now safely in the black with about 6 months of reserve, but I feel anxious and the pressure of an empty pipeline. I have to remind myself that Robin needs to pull her weight with the business development and she can’t be included on every $$ that I bring in unless she has actually worked on it. I’ve been down that road before and I ended up broke & resentful.

I talked to my BFF because I feel the stress. I wake up (unless I exercise and take a melatonin) in the middle of the night thinking about work. I’m having a few anxiety dreams (a man stalking me down a street with the intent of killing me – that was a lovely one). She sadly told me that this is all perfectly normal and probably won’t go away anytime soon. WTF? My other great friend just told me that I just need to give it another 6 months and then I’ll be more stabilized. She should know – she has been an independent business owner for many years.

The Hunter took me to the beach this week with the Kracken. I had an active, not even resting, bitch face on which scares him. LOL. The walk was fabulous. He dealt with the dog and I strolled up and down the beautiful, windswept beach watching the waves, the light dim – it nourished my soul. I have started listening to my daily affirmations and it calms my negative self-talk.  Today we are knocking off early to celebrate his great day and I hope we do a replay. This man truly gets me.

 

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